Faced a fear....or did I?

So I've been working on a new endeavor the last few weeks that has really shifted my direction in life and point of view...it's a huge learning experience and is requiring me to put aside a LOT of pride and usual/comfortable feelings. Completely uncharted territory and it scares the crud out of me, but I know that God blazing this trail before me, because I wouldn't have been dumped on this way without His leading and revelation.

I came to a point this week where I really had to humble myself and make some choices. The choices require me to not only step out of my comfort zone...but completely shatter it. The first time was a half-hearted attempt, I did what I needed to do, but in a safe situation....and tonight I made the decision to make this attempt again, but do it the right way, for real where I needed to be--and not in control of the circumstances. I showed up where I needed to be at the time I needed to be there. AND THOSE THAT WERE TO BE THERE WERE NOT THERE!

I was soooooooo angry. Now, easily I could have felt a sense of relief that I didn't have to deal with what I set out to deal with....but no, I got ticked. I still think I'm a little bit angry and frustrated. Slowly simmering down though as I have tools to use as an outlet in this particular situation.

So, I attempted to face this fear head on, but it didn't follow-through to the benefit of its original purpose. Sooo....did I really triumph, or am I back at the starting gate?

Yeah...it's late, I'm tired. I'm sure this makes no sense.

*Insert Creative Title Here*

When did it become halfway through October?

So much to be done...and we desperately need to start interviewing for a Christmas Assistant as we need so much more help than last year with all the hub-bub around the corps. We intend on bumping up our Thanksgiving assistance to match last year's Christmas assistance....so we're looking at 1400 total families/cases between the two holidays. Man, that's a lot of turkeys.

Tomorrow's another busy day...food bank truck coming, plus we have to go for a tri-weekly pickup of food donations from a store we have recently partnered with here in town. The first week we picked up just over 2000lbs of food. Last week was over 3000lbs. I'm almost scared to see what this week holds...but praise the Lord for such a blessing of donations. We've had many a grateful teary eye walk out of our office this week with the awe of being able to take fresh bread, eggs, produce, and meat home to their families. A ton of work (literally) for us as we have to process, weigh, and sort everything...but it's priceless in seeing the appreciation that people have for the items that we have not been able to offer in any form of a consistent basis before.

Spent the day doing paperwork and tackling the mountains of stacks on my desk; had a few clients come my way (volunteers run our food pantry most days, I handle the "other" social services that we offer)...but sadly I was only able to offer referral as their needs far outweighed our capabilities. Oh, to have that unlimited bank account...but then again, it's only a bandaid for the immediate emergency. My time is better spent after applying the bandaid to educate in love so that this injury does not become chronic. Unfortunately, so many have already reached that chronic state (and even generational expectation) that it's hard to help others discover a different way to manage life than living in the stress of always trying to find what agency will pay my bills this month. It's not my place to judge why someone has landed across my desk--but it's my calling to give that holistic hand up, not just a handout. I pray some of those seeds fall on fertile ground...because I sure don't get to see the fruit very often!

Getting annoyed by people's assumptions as of late. I do not have any long-sleeve uniform shirts, and have often forgotten to put on my sweater to cover my arms over the last week. I don't appreciate the nosy questions or knowing looks of people "assuming" that I've been abused. Hello? Have you met me? Anyone would know that my tolerance for physical abuse of any form lies right below my serious disdain and lack of compassion for rapists and child molesters.

Last week I had the privilege to visit the ER three times (once wasn't for me!), and the pleasure of being stuck a total of eight times between these two visits to start IVs for bloodwork (the second visit, they ended up getting the IV in my SHOULDER--talk about unpleasant!). Thus, my forearms from bend to wrist and the backs of my hands are covered in giant black bruises....I seriously dislike having a light (essentially glow-in-the-dark white) complexion. No answers though...not due to obscurity, rather a lack of effort--but I'm not going to dwell on that peeve here. Going to a larger town on Wednesday for some definitive tests ordered by my doctor to figure out what's up...at least my doctor has it narrowed down to a 50/50 choice of diagnosis, just need the tests to determine what's up. So....hopefully by the end of the week I'll know if I will be scheduling gallbladder surgery or receiving treatment from a stress-induced ulcer from my last illness. Either way, I'm not amused to be dealing with this right now.

There's good news though on the health front...another 6 pounds lost over the last six weeks, bringing a total close to 40lbs for the year so far. Still not sure how to handle this slow weight loss, definitely don't lose sizes as quickly--I've *barely* eecked down one size. Though, that does make it quite exciting as now I can wear my commissioning tunic again--and it fits better than it did when I was commissioned, and that I had my skirt seriously altered at the waist as it was sitting about halfway down my hips. It's not often that I "feel" good about how I feel in clothes...but I must say, yesterday was a pretty awesome feeling wearing a nicely tailored and well-fitting uniform as I have been very self conscious the last month or so feeling like I was drowning in the uniform I was wearing.

Anyway, I'm babbling...so I'll quit now. Figured I should write, but a solid topic didn't come to mind...so, enjoy my brain dumpings!

Still Around...

...working on a new endeavor, so time is at a premium these days.

Life is good.

Feeling much better.

Cleared to drive again yesterday (YES!!!!)

God is doing some great work.

Stay tuned.

Stuck in the wheel

Today is just one of those days where I feel like I'm stuck going in the continuous, vicious circles of the proverbial hamster wheel. There's that cycle I get caught up in that I come so close to breaking free from and then it's right back at square one. Where's the breaking point? It just seems like things can get so close that the goal is in view, and wowie--right back to where I was, wondering why in the world I couldn't experience the end result?

Why is mediocrity so easy? Why is it so easy to let myself down when it comes to the things that I desire so much for my life? Why is it so easy to dream those God-sized dreams, yet so disappointing when the little things stand in the way?

Some days being a grown-up just bites.

In other news...the holiday season is upon us at the corps. Thanksgiving & Christmas planning officially hit full swing today. And, oh yeah, I again win the "World's Biggest Nerd" award--no explanation necessary.

Not a Happy Camper...

Frustrated.

Angry.

Saddened.

Disappointed.

That's all for today...fighting off some of that discouragement that tries to sneak its way in when you're doing things right.

Healthy Apple Crisp Recipe! YUM!

Hubby and I were looking for something new and different to do today that wouldn't be too hard on me...and so we decided to go apple picking as there was an article in the newspaper this weekend that all the orchards were opening. We picked Jonathans and Galas, about two dozen of them (9lbs). While we eat a lot of fruit, I wanted to find something different to do with them too--so I found a diabetic apple crisp recipe and altered it to make it lower fat too...tastes pretty darn good!

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

4 cups of apples, peeled and sliced (4 medium apples)
2 Tablespoons of flour*
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
6 packets of Splenda***

Mix above ingredients in bowl and spread in 8-9" square pan (with a little non-stick spray was perfect)

1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup margarine
1/2 cup flour*
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of baking soda
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)

Combine all ingredients and spread over the top of apple mixture.

Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Turn down to 325 degrees and bake another 15-20mins or until golden brown. Serve warm, store in fridge.

Cut into 9 servings= 119 calories, 6 grams of fat, 13 grams of carbs
Whole Pan= 1051.5 calories, 56.5 grams of fat, 119.1 grams of carbs

*Flour: We used a combination of 1/2 peanut flour and 1/2 all-purpose flour, nutritional value will be negligibly altered for using just all-purpose flour

**Flax seed: We used this for the nutritional value, does not affect taste. If you omit this ingredient, subtract 280 calories, 20g of fat, and 20g of carbs from the whole pan nutritional values

***Splenda: The original recipe called for 1/4 cup of sugar substitute, we don't like the sweetness of sugar substitutes, so we just used less. Calories and carbs will increase if you use more than the 6 packets of Splenda used above.

Memoirs & Secret Demons

I picked up a book from the bargain table when we were in Phoenix because I was intrigued by the title, and the small print mentioned that it was the memoirs of the author's experience during a particular time span in her life. Read the flaps, sounded pretty interesting and funny...so I figured I couldn't lose.

While the book was exceptionally written and an amazingly vivid depiction of a chapter in this woman's life, it hit far too close to home. It was absolutely hilarious at parts, because, well, sometimes the only way to deal with things in life is to make jokes.

While I found 90% of the book a great read, the other 10% took over my mind. Down to the author's first name, the book couldn't have been written any closer to many parts of my life unless I wrote it myself. In some ways, it was comforting that I'm not alone in those things that I fight with in my head--but it also made me very sad that she hasn't found the answer yet either--a way to break through the cycle that continually repeats itself in fighting her/my/our demons. As I closed in on the final chapters where the author fast-forwarded to present day, I was crushed that she isn't any closer than me in walking away from something so present in life that it is almost genetically patterned into who I am.

I wanted to lay there and weep as I finished the last sentence (but didn't as I didn't want to wake my husband and have to explain my blubbering). We all have demons in our lives...those secrets that we keep inside not so much because of shame we feel, but rather because of the disappointment that strikes in our hearts because we just can't claw our way out of it. Don't get me wrong here--I'm not talking sin, more along the line of bad habits.

Sometimes I find myself envious of how some people in similar positions wear their vices or bad habits as almost as a badge of honor--proclaiming to the world that "this is me and I'm messed up." For me it always comes down to the fear of judgment in why I don't shout my issues from the rooftops (and man, if you could get inside my head--there's sure more than one!)

I've recently embarked on yet another mission to evict these demons from my mind permanently. Knowing I can't do it alone through education and tangible change, there has to be a spiritual change that is going to make this work. I find it eerily interesting that this new ambition came on the eve of starting a new Bible study series that I am attending that in fact addresses these very spiritual barriers that hinder from freeing myself of the chains that hold me back from walking away from something that has been a part of my life for my entire life, and apparently it won't kill me--no really, scripture promises me this one in Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NIV)

And so, the journey begins again. I don't really have anything to lose, other than a repeat of continually breaking my heart in disappointment...but I have everything to gain.

Once again, life's a wild ride!

A Bunch of Nothing

Not much to report today.

Extremely tired from the get-go today, barely made it through my 4 hours at the office and couldn't leave early because I had an assistance appointment scheduled with a client for right before I was planning to go home. Made it through the stacks of mail on my desk that has accumulated since we were gone and claimed success over it, only to realize when I picked up my briefcase to go home that the mailbag we use to empty our PO Box had gone untouched--and it was a full one today since this was the first day the post office was open since we've been home. I also tried to start an order for the food bank, only to realize I was six days too early to order for the next delivery--which was a complete waste of time, because they'll have an entirely different stock by Monday when I can order! (and that was a double bummer, because there were some pretty good stuff in commodities and free stuff that will be gone by the time I can reserve it, but when I called not realizing my faux paux, they said they're expecting to have even better stuff by next week so I'll have a bigger selection) UGH!

Came home, took a much needed nap, hubby went out on a furniture pick-up. He took pity on me and just brought home supper as I was planning to make stir fry tonight. Oh well, another day for the beef to marinade--I'll make it tomorrow night as tomorrow's my day off (and a new series starts at the women's Bible study I attend--yahoo!!! I've missed going!!!)

Found an awesome deal online for a new pair of sneakers...long overdue. These are silver and pink. LOVE IT! Can't wait the 2-7 business days for them to arrive. Went on a short walk with hubby...a little afraid to go by myself just yet. Not supposed to be taking long, strenuous walks yet (like ones that actually count as exercise)...but we wandered around the neighborhood for a slow, leisurely pace for about 20 minutes before I started feeling like I would start to get dizzy soon.

Now just chilling out, going to bed early! And...that was my exciting day. Don't you feel better for knowing about it?

Reclaiming Life

Today was my first day back at the corps in a month...it's so good to be back. I missed it so much--I missed the fellowship of our volunteers and corps members (good reason), the ministry of service (good reason), and my "work" regimen (bad reason). Over the last few weeks, my workaholic/type A tendencies have really come into perspective, and I've found that while I've made some small changes over the last few months, there's a lot more that I need to work on or I'll work myself into a nervous breakdown before I hit 40. Delegation is going to have to stop being a bad word...and I'm going to have to take the time to train people on some other tasks instead of just doing it myself.

In the four hours at the office (I'm only allowed short days right now, adding a little time every other day...no full days until the end of second week back) I was able to meet with some clients and just start to feel normal again. It was a phenomenal feeling to pull up my hair and put on my uniform this morning.

Came home and rested for a few hours, then I cooked dinner--another part of life missed, taking care of my responsibilities in our home. I went all out--Dijon, soy sauce, and rice vinegar marinated shake 'n baked chicken, salad, and steam broccoli, yellow squash, and carrots. We even sat at the table together! (As before we left for Phoenix, I was eating in bed) Leftover servings of chicken converted into a sandwich for hubby's lunch and a salad for part of my lunch tomorrow. Finished the dishes, and now back to chillin' out...I've had enough standing and sitting up for today.

My dizziness is definitely lessening as the new meds build up in my system...no fainting, yay! (only 26 more days until I can drive again!!!), back pain is manageable--just need to take it easy as it continues to heal.

I am rejoicing in the fact that life is my own again...that I am starting to feel like myself and getting back to the things that I love. God has been faithful to me through all of this, and I am so grateful for people with solutions to my issues and those that have carried my burdens when I was unable to. It's a humbling experience to have to rely on others down to the basic tasks of life, and I pray that I'm not often put in this position again in the future--and believe that I will have more understanding and compassion for those that I minister who are ill.

So, for those that actually take the time to read my brain dumpings--have a great night!

Books, Books, Never Enough!

***Note: 30-day challenge is clearly going to take more than 30 days. Going to use it when I'm at a loss for topics and want to write***

So, while we were in Phoenix, we had the opportunity to do a little paroozing through a Barnes and Noble (ah, a bookstore with choices!). Part of this was intentional to get more information as advised by one of the doctors I saw, and the rest was just because we could when having lots of time between appointments and it was 10 minutes away from the clinic.

We weren't quite intending on making an investment in books, but we did. We picked up:

• The 2010 Calorie King Calorie, Fat & Carbohydrate Counter (made by the same people as www.calorieking.com, an awesome resource. This is a nice purse-sized guide for anything and everything edible. We liked it because we usually end up going to the website after we eat out and realize a bad choice--now we can look beforehand. Perfect because I count calories and fat, and husband counts carbs for his diabetes. Used it this evening at Applebee's--saved husband from a 66g of carbs "under 550 calorie" meal and he was able to choose a more filling and lower carb meal)
• The Calorie King Food & Exercise Journal (My weight loss is doctor-supervised because I'm sooooo tired of weight watchers, etc, that just don't pan out in the long term for me, and I'm required to keep food logs. I think I have changed around my food log spreadsheet every single time I've visited her because I can't put together one that I like. This one is small enough that before I write it in it, I can copy a week's worth of pages and it will fit on the front and back of a standard sheet of copy paper since I'm too cheap to fork out $3.99 every ten weeks for a new one)
• The Mediterranean Heart Diet (Fisher; diet recommended by one of the Mayo Clinic docs--though, diet isn't the right word, as it's more eating for life)
• The Low GI Handbook (Dr. Jennie Brand-Miller, et all; This was a hard one to choose as Glycemic Index books by this group of authors are plentiful. We chose this one after looking at the while collection because not only does this book contain the book "The New Glucose Revolution" it has more recipes and examples that we can use. We may buy more of the supplementary books later if we like it--but glad we looked through many of them in person as several of them are encompassed in this one book as well--also recommended by Mayo Clinic doc)

These last two books look to be rather interesting and educational. We're not interested in fads or things that ultimately will not sustain/improve long term health. While eventual weight loss is my goal, and controlling his diabetes is my husband's, we don't want to be miserable in the process. This glycemic index stuff looks pretty interesting, as does the Mediterranean stuff (and seriously, getting to eat Mediterranean food--I'm all for it!). We didn't blow off the doctor's recommendations for these books as we initially thought we would, because once we sat down to decide if they were worth it, both are very adaptable to lifestyles and whatever eating plan you choose to ascribe to...they aren't just diet plans, but rather ways to make the foods you're eating work the best for you.

Lots of interesting reading ahead...I'm sure I'll let you know any great revelations that I find!

My Siblings (Day 4-Back on Board)

I have two older sisters and one younger brother--and yes, I had to add the 3rd picture of my brother because he is just that cool. (I know I have one of all four of us from our wedding, but I don't have the "official" wedding pics saved on this laptop...so you have to suffer with individual shots)

My siblings are pretty darn awesome.

My brother is amazingly smart and completely hilarious--and apparently starting to take a liking to cooking as he has prepared some amazing meals while we have been in town. He's a great catch ladies--but remember, he does have three older sisters you must get approval from first!

The oldest sister (bottom picture) has her own business and lives far too far away...I think my sisters need to relocate to the west. She's married and has a son (who has a son--my great nephew!), and two spunky daughters.

My other sister (middle picture) finished nursing school a few years ago and is a nurse--such an accomplishment!!! She's married and has a son that is starting college this fall and two daughters as well (one of which is my God Daughter, whom I will be writing about in one of the upcoming challenge posts).

Like I said, my siblings are pretty darn great. Love 'em to death, wish we all lived closer, and have all sorts of memories together. Maybe someday I'll tell you the story of how I almost got my tongue cut out by two of them....

Break

No challenge post today. Tired from an early appointment and very sore this evening. Did a bit of shopping for us and the corps today, a lot of walking around that my body wasn't ready for yet. Excited that meds seem to be agreeing with me, so we get to go home soon....

because...

It's all figured out!

Details on the diagnosis are on my facebook status from yesterday evening--I'm too tired to find it and copy/paste it here at this moment. Have a first course of treatment (medication) started and a plan B if this doesn't stop the fainting spells. Physical therapy on the back once I get home--had a consultation for it early this morning. No more doctor's visits here unless I get sick from the meds--HOORAY!!!!!!!

Pure elation does not even describe how great it feels to get to go home with some answers and to slowly start to get back to the corps and the rest of my life...I can even overlook the disappointment that I'm not allowed to drive again until I haven't fainted for 30 days.

I KNEW God had the answers for me here...and while I wasn't quite prepared for the gamut of tests and their invasive nature that I went through, He was faithful to my petitions and His promise to walk me through this! My prayers and the prayers and thoughts of others have been answered. AMEN!!!

My Parents (Day 3)

(From our wedding, 1/31/09)

Are, without a doubt, amazing.

My parents are strong examples of what a good and long-lasting marriage looks like, and truly epitomize the definition of unconditional love to their children. It is interesting as I grow older and see how their different personality traits have manifested themselves in my life--and for the most part I won on the gene pool with red hair, blue eyes, and good teeth!

I have the cool opportunity to work with my parents a lot, as they both work at our divisional headquarters. It is weird sometimes to call them and be in "professional" mode and then call up later with a "I need to talk to my mommy/daddy" crisis, but all in all, I know where to get the answers to all of my questions in life!

And in case there was any doubt in your mind....I'm soooo Daddy's Little Girl.

*Update*

The last two days have certainly been the most grueling as far as all this medical testing goes. I've been poked with more needles than I can count, with several IVs and lots more labwork. The last test I took yesterday was by far the worst ever--google "Tilt Table Test.'' I wasn't even up for 5 minutes. Nothing like something that purposely induces a fainting spell--and it was probably my worst fainting spell yet, it was really hard to bounce back from--left the hospital in a wheelchair and didn't start feeling like me again until late evening. So far the phone hasn't rung this morning with any new testing orders, which is good, because that means I will see the doctor this afternoon and start to look at some of the results!

My Vices (Day 2)

Ugh...too many to count.

Facebook.

I enjoy the pseudo-connectedness to others, finding people that were part of my life at times long gone by, playing mindless games that take my mind off the stress of life, and even using it as a tool of intercession to pray for my friends.

Not so much in a writing mood...not looking forward to the tests that I have to face today.

My Best Friend (Day 1)

Not to copy that of several of my friends, but this is my best friend.

(please pardon my poor image sizing)

My husband.

I met my husband in officer training school. It took time to get to know each other. For a period of time, I admit I had a crush on him, and talked myself out of it. Little did I know, a year later he would ask me out! (See a previous entry for our fairy tale)

My husband has seen me at the highest points and lowest of low points. He knows all of my deep, dark secrets and doesn't hold them against me. He loves me for who I am, even when I'm not able to love me for who I am right now. He has shown such selfless love and understanding in many ways to me, and I think in a lot of ways I've been able to provide that for him too. We can finish each other's sentences and know each other's thoughts before they are spoken, have similar likes and dislikes, and have the same firm policy of no pets in our household--ever.

He can always make me laugh. I believe I've laughed more knowing him than the last ten years combined. His sense of humor isn't always understood by many, but we like to say that the things he says are the things I think but won't say. Our brains work in the same way, but at different points of the equation. He sees the answer, I see the process--so we work well together in that aspect. We compliment each other so well in our ministry that it's creepy sometimes--he's good at what scares the bejeebers out of me, and I like doing the things he has not even a millisecond of patience for.

I truly believe with every fiber of my being that he is the man that God truly intended just for me, and am grateful for him and our relationship every day. I can't imagine my life without him.

Change of pace...just call me a follower

Brief update of the day...saw a specialist, who ordered more tests, endured 2 of them, got a free lunch in the patient cafeteria for 2 because scheduling messed up, two more tests up tomorrow--both requiring invasion of my body with needles and IVs and loss of my blood on some level (sense my excitement if you know my extreme love--okay, fear and queasiness--of needles), and holding out hope no more tests will be ordered so I can see my coordinating doc and finally get some answers on Wednesday (which prayerfully means we can go home sometime late this week--I miss my home!!!)

So, many blogs I read are jumping on the bandwagon of the 30-day challenge (I just read 5 in a row on various days!), so I figure I might as well follow the masses as well. Plus, I figure anyone who actually reads this is looking for something a little bit more than just my complaining and whining right now.

This is the list:

• Day 1 -- Your Best Friend
• Day 2 — Your vices
• Day 3 — Your parents
• Day 4 —Your siblings
• Day 5 — Your dreams
• Day 6 — Someone that inspires you
• Day 7 — Your job
• Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend that you’ve never met
• Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
• Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
• Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
• Day 12 — Your dream vacation
• Day 13 — Something you’re looking forward to
• Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
• Day 15 — The person you miss the most
• Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
• Day 17 — The place you wish you were from
• Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
• Day 19 — Something that makes you different
• Day 20 — Your favorite television shows
• Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
• Day 22 — Your pet peeves
• Day 23 — The last person you kissed
• Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
• Day 25 — A life changing moment
• Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
• Day 27 — The thing you most enjoy doing
• Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
• Day 29 — Your talent
• Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

You will note that the content of these get a bit more intense...should be an interesting ride.

Faith vs. Fear

There's the old adage that I've seen as recently as today that says something like, "Where fear ends is where faith begins."

(If you're not interested in my ramblings, a short update of the week is at the bottom of this entry)

I know this will come as a surprise to those that know me (because, you know, I never question anything), but I don't quite agree with this statement. I think the two can coexist.

I didn't realize this until its actually come into perspective. While waiting for my second testing appointment that was scheduled yesterday, I got a call from the reception desk at my first test of yesterday, a brain MRI. The very kind woman explained that the radiologist was viewing my films to write his report and needed "just a few more views" of my brain, and that because I still had time before my next appointment (by the way, I LOVE centralized scheduling because of this experience), that I could return to the radiology department and be seen immediately.

This didn't bother me at first, but as I was laying in the MRI machine with my eyes blacked out and my head in this cage-like contraption for a second time in a matter of hours, I had some time to think. Now, one could just easily assume that the radiologist just didn't take quality images the first time, but sans my phlebotomist this week, I have received nothing but top-notch quality care and this thought did not enter my mind. The thoughts that have taken up residence are those of...why? Did he see something? Is he trying to diagnose something? Is he looking at a tumor or something? Yeah, I know...way to jump to conclusions. (And no, I do not have answers yet--my testing is not complete, I have more appointments next week and will see the doctor again at the conclusion of it all)

So, long story short--I can say there is a bit of fear running rampant in my head right now. Does this mean I've lost my faith? No, of course not. I still believe in God, I still accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and maintain my relationship with Him. I still believe that my sins are covered and I am forgiven. I still believe that my maintenance of said relationship is still securing my place in eternity. I believe and find comfort in the many attributes of the Triune God, and know that regardless of my feelings on the surface, that there is a peace that passes all understanding that dwells deep in my soul.

Am I afraid of what I might hear? Sure, I'm human. Does that make me an unfaithful person? No. Does fear or the lack thereof change what the result will be? Doubtful. Will fear change the actions that I take as a result of the results of my current situation? No.

See--here's where I find the disconnect from my opening quote. Fear is one of those "iceberg" emotions (probably one of the few concepts I could explain from psychology class). It doesn't change anything, but rather gives my mind something to occupy it instead of the underlying big picture. Fear exists because I don't know what the underlying big picture is yet, so it fills the void. Whether we sit there sometime next week and get the worst news we can imagine, or get a simple problem with a simple solution, there will be something deeper and concrete that will take the place of fear. So, fear will be gone--does that mean faith takes its place? No--because faith was there the whole time. Faith has carried me up to this point, through the tests, bad days, pain, and negativity that I'm so great at conjuring up in my own mind. Faith has brought comfort through family and friends, warm notes and messages, and the knowledge that in addition to my own pleas, are the petitions of others on my behalf.

Faith and fear can exist together. It's not one or the other...

*Update on the week*

-Traveled to Phoenix on Monday. Car ride excruciatingly long. Makeshift bed and painkillers did the job.
-Tuesday: Met with my coordinating doctor who leads my care team. Initial tests were ordered. Immediately was whisked in to another doctor for a two-hour consultation and an appointment for an x-ray.
-Wednesday: Labwork and the start of a 24-hour heart monitor test (picture hot Phoenix weather, electrodes all over your chest, and a monitor tied around your neck. Just say, "itchy.")
-Thursday: Finish heart testing
-Friday: Brain MRI, 2nd brain MRI (see above), and balance and dizziness testing (two and a half hours of torture purposely inducing dizziness. Forget water boarding, I've got some new tactics for Gitmo)
-Today: Exhausted, sore, in pain--spent the day resting
-Tomorrow: Church at a local corps
-Monday: Tests & Cardiologist to review heart tests
-Unknown: Finding out the results of my other tests, enduring any more tests that may be ordered, and meeting with my coordinating doctor for the results and making a care plan to deal with said results. We knew this at the start, but no one will give you test results or commit to anything until all test results are in to have the full-body view and have a complete diagnosis. So, at this point, we know nothing.

Good news: Been walking without the cane for a few days, sitting up for short periods of time (almost survived the length of a movie), and taking much less pain medication.

Praying to be going home sometime next week. Unless something serious is found or more urgent tests are needed, we were told the Mayo Clinic would not keep out-of-towners over a holiday weekend unless it is something that is needed for immediate assessment or treatment...but they don't make promises one way or the other.

I know many more read this than actually "follow" or comment--and please know that from the bottom of our hearts, that my husband and I are in deep gratitude for your care, love, and prayers and truly believe that your intercessions keep us going in the uncertainty and rough moments right now.

The thoughts in my head...

...and boy are they scary!

Well, nothing has really changed in my life except a shower an a clean pair of pajamas, here's some random thoughts for the day:

• No matter how many times you hit refresh on your browser, it will not increase the growing time for your crops in Farmville on Facebook (be quiet, you know you've played some version of a Sims game in your life, well, this is mine)
• In the quest for something new and different, laying sideways on the bed (even though it's a king-size and your feet don't hang off) is just not at all comfortable
• Husband's pillows are more comfortable than mine...even though they are the same brand, bought at the same time, and switched around countless times from being washed and changing the sheets. Same with his side of the bed, even though we regularly rotate and flip the mattress
• Thinks the pharmaceutical industry is biased against men...or at least diabetics. My prescriptions for allergies and such range between $0.89-$5.35/mo depending on the medicine. Just five (less than half of what he takes) of my husband's refills came to $314 today, and he's got one more to pick up tomorrow that's $34. And that's just our portion! Good thing it's payday...for those that know the payscale for two years of service with no dependent children, that's a little crazy to now have to wait the weeks it takes for reimbursement. We use a neighborhood pharmacy....definitely going to talk to the owner about possibly billing us so we can send it to our insurance and cut out us as the middlemen.
• Daytime TV stinks. As much as I love a good chick flick and the ability to watch numerous movies of my choosing, netflix instant is getting old too. It's sad when the highlight of your day is when "Wife Swap" comes on
• Painkillers are not conducive to reading for content. Hence, books are out of the question and emails get answered 3-4 at a time.
• Eating your meals and staying in bed all day is not glamorous. Why is this romanticized in movies?
• Regardless of how long we live here, I will never not be startled by the sonic booms and explosions from the missile range. Or not be annoyed by every dog in the neighborhood going absolutely insane a split second later.
• It's rather funny how many people with strict/9-5 jobs post on Facebook throughout the work day, yet those with flexible schedules and those that are essentially their own boss usually only do first thing in the morning and/or at night. I wonder if there's a connectedness to career happiness in there?

And, last but not least...

Have you noticed that I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND?

Perhaps a nap is in order.

As the World Turns...

I think one of the hardest things for me lately is that the world continues to go on without me. Now, I don't say that in a narcissistic, superficial kind of way...but more in a contemplative "sigh" tone.

While I have done what I can in my position from 0-45 degrees, I am very much missing about 90% of my everyday life and ministry. I feel guilty about those that are being inconvenienced by my current state, and even some of those normal things I would (and could) engage in right now that I just can't bring myself to do right now out of my own pity party. I decided after barely surviving church on Sunday, that on Tuesday I would take just two hours at the corps to see clients for electric assistance (Our volunteers run our food pantry, but I provide our thrift store voucher assistance and utility assistance programs because of their complexity until I find an able and willing soul to train to do it for me). So, Tuesday morning I embarked on the two hour ritual to get ready and dressed (it is a long process involving many breaks back in bed) and got to the corps where I was welcomed by our volunteers who were happy to see me. Needless to say, I had a full house waiting for me and I was swamped with clients for the entire time I was there. In fact, I had to have my husband be my buffer to get me out of there because I kept getting the "just one more" effect from others. I got home in excruciating pain and immediately slept the rest of the day away and slept most of yesterday away too...and okay, today as well. While it alleviated my guilt, it was not worth the price to pay.

I can't wait for all of this to be a distant memory. I am looking forward to next week with anticipation of answers, but not at all excited for the prospect of a 7-hour car ride, all of the tests I will have to endure, and the prospect of having to spend a lot of time sitting up in waiting areas if my pain is not alleviated by the doctors initially and quickly. I want my life back. I want the fellowship and ministry of corps life, I want to spend time with my husband other than him helping me at our bedside or beside me at night, I want to come and go as a please and not be afraid to even stand up when alone for fear of fainting.

I often remind myself that we give satan too much credit for the things that go on in our lives. I have been reminded by others lately that we "must be doing something right" to be tested by satan in such a way as this. While I don't know if I'm fighting against my own discouragement of some situations that we have been battling since before this issue or truly against the plots of the evil one, I have to constantly remind myself of God's blessings and work in my life. I have an absolutely amazing husband who selflessly is taking care of me and picking up the slack in the midst of his own pain from his accident and what has proved to be absolutely grueling allergy testing for him to start immunotherapy. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances and people I don't even know praying for us. I have incredibly understanding people working with me with understanding on what is not getting done right now and bestowing that grace needed to get things done as I can. When I remind myself of those things, I find it hard to be discouraged because honestly, I'm spoiled!

Life's not easy right now, and it won't be once this hurdle is past, it's just another slope on the roller coaster. I'm just ready to be a part of life again instead of being a distant observer.

In the words of Lorelai Gilmore...

"...And the hits just keep on comin'"

You know that moment when you think, "Man, things really can't get any worse"

HA!

So, last night as I was in my perpetual state of pain and laying in bed (and watching a particularly good movie), my cell phone rings. It's my husband, who I knew to be out on a bike ride.

But what do I know....

He was hit by his car on his bike.

So, I did my best to throw on some semblance of appropriate clothing to wear in public, as I have been wearing jammies in bed to be comfortable (another HA!). Then came getting behind the wheel...now, I can't sit up, which is kind of an essential to driving...so I found a remotely tolerable position with the seat back as far as my arms could still reach the steering wheel (oh, it was special). Get to the ER and of course it's packed on Friday night, so I had the LAST parking spot...after what seemed to be an eternity of my limpy-with-a-cane walk to get to him, the next trial was where to sit. I tried to sit, that lasted all of five minutes, so I ended up having to kneel on the floor and lean over the seat (thank goodness it was very clean). The nurse laughed at me, but understood.

My husband didn't look super when I got there, because they hadn't cleaned him up yet. His nurse was exceptional, and got him cleaned up, talked with us, and was very nice while we waited for the doctor, who also turned out to be exceptionally nice and caring as well. Three hours later we were "walking" (oh, we were a sight together) to the car. (How does he get nice doctors and nurses and a three hour visit, when I have mean doctors who cut you off when you talk, don't listen, and end up being in the ER for 7-8 hours???)

In the end, no broken bones or serious injuries, just some gnarly road rash, a few bruises, and stiff muscles. His (expensive new) bike was totalled, helmet took some damage too--but ALL PRAISE TO GOD that it wasn't worse. After a good night's sleep and a wonderful wife to clean and bandage his wounds, he's in much better condition than one would expect for getting hit by a car. Just a little soreness and stiffness today. So relieved...I can't handle anymore bad news right now!

Nothing new on my end. Coached husband on grocery shopping (even with a list with brand name, item specifics, and a physical description of item's shelf location, he still called me three times with questions--he did wonderfully!) and how I wash the laundry (I know, beggars can't be choosers). I know I've said this a lot, but my husband is amazing to me--there is zero doubt in my mind of his unconditional love and his faith in "in sickness and in health." I owe him big time once I'm back to myself again.

Starting the mental checklists of everything to do and plan before leaving for the Mayo Clinic. Going to have to start writing it down...there's a lot to plan with not knowing for sure how long we'll be gone--7-14 days is not descriptive (though, 4 days into this jaunt starts our six days of furlough that was previously planned for which helps). Spending lots of time in prayer and talking with God these last few days. I believe He's preparing the doctors that I will be encountering and that we can at least get a diagnosis so a treatment plan can be determined. Been praying for lots of friends and family too. Doing a lot of listening as well. There is some plus side to the solitude.

Anyway...I'm babbling now. Until next time, adios!

Horizontal Musings

Since arriving home from church on Sunday, about 95% of my time has been spent laying down.

Why you may ask? Because my lower back is in such severe pain that I cannot sit-up or stand, or walk without the assistance of a "cane" (my husband's walking stick).

What caused the pain? Heck if I know. One moment I was fine, next I was in excruciating pain.

What did you do? Toughed it out for the afternoon watching "For Keeps" on netflix (I think the only Molly Ringwald movie I've never seen) and then at my husband's urging went to the ER.

What happened at the ER? Bloodwork, x-rays, IV, morphine injection (the ONLY relief I've felt from this pain), ultrasounds, and other unpleasant tests which resulted with me screaming from the pain of having to lay on my back for said tests--all over the span of seven hours.

So what was the result? Prescription for pain medication and another medication because "the back pain is the result of an infection"

What kind of infection? "We don't know"

How long will this last? See previous answer

When will I feel better? See previous answer

So.....to my long list of dizziness, fainting spells, and general fatigue, I now add severe lower back pain.

I had no choice to get out of bed on Tuesday as our new food bank was coming for our certification inspection. It took me two hours to get dressed, and 15 minutes to get into the van and 15 minutes to get out of the van (with a 3 minute drive) to get myself to the corps to meet the inspector as my husband was at a long-awaited appointment that we couldn't cancel. Passed the inspection with flying colors and lots of compliments (thanks to my husband who spent well into the night on Monday making sure we couldn't get nailed on anything). After that I collapsed back into bed and slept the rest of the day away as it took every ounce of energy out of me.

Today I had another visit with my doctor, and she had all of the results of my tests from this second ER trip. Some interesting findings, but nothing that actually diagnoses my issues. We decided that we have tapped all of our local medical resources, and my doctor is on several panels at the Mayo Clinic.....so, I'll be jaunting to the Mayo Clinic in Arizona in twelve days. I will be there 7-14 days while they do all of the tests that they feel need to be done and that I can see all of the specialists that I need to see in one trip, and hopefully I will leave there with a diagnosis and a treatment plan to fix me!!!

In the meantime, I'm getting our money's worth on netflix because daytime television is awful, mastering the art of working on my laptop laying down at every possible angle that may be comfortable at that moment, and doing my best to be a corps officer from our bedroom. Needless to say, the last part is a bit lacking despite technology that enables me to work from home and I am very frustrated with my lack of productivity and tired of being in bed.

My husband deserves super kudos juggling his packed schedule, filling in for me, taking care of me, and running my errands....he's been incredible.

When the pain meds wear off and I'm cranky, I find myself being rather negative...but I am trying my hardest to have a positive attitude (as I have no clue if I'll be bounding around again in a matter of days, or still stuck in bed until we leave for AZ). My doctor is 30 minutes from home, and by the time we got there today, I could barely get out of the car (laying in the front with the seat back...it was too much of a "sitting up" position for me)...so, our contingency plan for travelling to Phoenix is to put a twin mattress in the back of my minivan so I can lay in a comfortable position. Not sure how border patrol will react to this, but right now that's the only way I'm going to survive seven hours in the car. At this point I'm just praying to be okay enough to make it to church on Sunday so my husband doesn't have to do everything.

So...there you have it. Life from my side of the bed. Time to get up and shuffle a painful lap around the kitchen (I'm terribly paranoid of blood clots from being in bed so long) On the upside, even with being in bed for the last four days, I still lost 4 pounds! This brings me to a total of 40 pounds lost since my heaviest weight (last April when I had my sinus surgery) and 30lbs lost since October when I started going to my current doctor!!!

Rubber Legs Go Away!

My brain hasn't checked in for service yet today, I've stared at the same email long enough for my stats input to time out and log off. Clearly I'm being productive.

Awesome Bible study yesterday...needed the message of encouragement and to encourage others. Nice monthly meeting with the other hospital chaplains. It was the 10th anniversary of the chaplaincy program, so the hospital provided us with a beautiful lunch! Then I was wiped, so I took residence on the couch to return emails and phone calls, and get a little bit of work done.

Today is slow moving, and I'm rather discombobulated from the random dizzy, but at least I'm taking it slower than the tortoise so no fainting (baby steps...). Still can't say I'm amused that all I've gotten done today is help my husband pour paint and build about 8 food boxes. Hopefully I get a surge of energy this afternoon to help him finish painting the chapel so that tomorrow he can just worry about stripping and sealing the floor in there...then buff/wax it Saturday morning and we'll have a brand spankin' new chapel! Next week's job is the corps kitchen so that we have it finished before the new food bank comes in for their inspection. So not looking forward to moving out three freezers, a fridge, and a stove to paint and do the floors!

Other than that, just waiting for the phone to ring in return to one of my bazillion messages to a neurologist to get a sooner-than-later appointment or my doctor saying that she has magically found what is wrong!

No Words

In my last post, I wrote about my holy tantrums before God. I can't seem to even muster up a good whine right now.

Frustrated seems like such a futile word, I'm past discouraged at this moment. Over the couple weeks I have begun to have completely random bouts of dizziness and fainting. My doctor is at a complete loss as to the cause, or how to prevent it (and before the suggested diagnoses come out, every test my doctor can do has been run and all common causes have been ruled out). She is sending me to a neurologist for further testing, which is difficult to find apparently. I made over 30 phone calls yesterday and the earliest I can be seen within 2-hours driving distance of home would be the end of September. Yeah...my life can't wait that long. I have put in an appointment request at the Mayo Clinic in AZ and should hear back today, and depending on the wait time I may be starting to make calls to doctors in Phoenix and Albuquerque.

I'm not a good patient, I hate resting and taking things easy. I am beside myself annoyed with so much going on right now that I am working limited hours, working more at home, and limiting my driving in order to keep myself safe. My husband is being great and understanding, but he has quite a bit to get done right now too, in addition to compensating for my increased time at home. I love to read, and while I could read all day--there comes a point when enough is enough. There's only so much one can waste time on Facebook. And I work on my laptop at home, but I can only concentrate on the screen for a little while before I get dizzy, so I only get small tasks done at a time.

I don't even have the words to pray right now. I'm worried as to what this could be, I'm angry at all I'm not getting done, I'm frustrated that I feel like a fragile child having to be focused on my every move. There's no tears to cry, no screams to wail...just silence.

I know in the silence that God knows my heart, and that He's working in this situation--I truly believe He is, I just wish this wasn't one of those times where God is working and isn't clueing me in on the plan.

Sigh....

Quick Thought of the Day

I just finished a lesson in my Bible study homework this morning and came across an interesting thought. The author spoke of having "a respectable fit" before God when we encounter those hard situations that sock us in the gut in which we do not have the words or answers for.

A respectable fit?

Please...

Yes, God Almighty deserves reverence and the utmost of respect--but let's be honest here, those aren't the only attributes of God. He's also our father.

What father has never experienced the total, sprawled out on the floor, kicking and screaming tantrum of their two-year old?

Exactly.

Respectable fit...okay, perhaps in a public setting. But when it's just me and God, and I'm really wrestling with something--the tears, screams, and fists are flying. I find more comfort in my soul in having an outright tantrum before God than simply silent questioning.

Right or wrong...who knows?

But God still loves me anyway.

The Lost Days of Letter Writing

In addition to completing my DHQ packet for the week, Monday's are also my day to write. I have recently started writing letters to a friend at least once a week (which is fun, because it's nice to look forward to mail--and I received one today, YAY!) and send out cards of prayers, encouragement, sympathy, thanks, etc. I write anywhere from 5-20 cards depending on what has happened over the last week to congregation members, clients, friends, and colleagues. I don't know about you, but I like getting mail. It's depressing when you go to the mailbox and the only things there are statements from your health insurance company, bills, and junk mail.

What happened to the time when writing was second nature...almost an expectation?

Okay, now I'm the first one to defend the ease and practicality of Facebook and email (mostly because of my irrational fear of talking on the phone)...but I guess that's where some of my upbringing in the quality of a nicely written note comes out, because there's just some messages that should not be expressed electronically--and a step further--public messages via electronic means. So birthdays, anniversaries, new baby greetings...sure, I can understand that. Public condolence messages...can't really wrap my head around that one yet.

I guess I look at it from my point of view. The internet is my escape, a source of entertainment, and a time to mindlessly pitter around. Do I want to open up my Facebook and see 15 notifications from people expressing their (heartfelt) emotions and point of view regarding the aspect of my life that I want to escape at that moment? And to play devil's advocate, are the messages expressed truly genuine, or the need to jump on the bandwagon because the 27 people before you have poured out their hearts? Hmm....

Some food for thought...just something that's irked me for a while. I can't say I'm not guilty of what I speak of...I've made this blunder more than once, but it's something that I try to be aware of what I'm doing. It's all about intentionality. Intentional Living. (Okay, so now I'm sound like a Focus on the Family ad)

A reflection on my 20-something years...

...as I precariously prepare for the mental crisis that will come on my 30th birthday next year.

My birthday was pretty good--nice day, took a nap, spent some time with my husband, and got to pick out my present and spend money on what I often consider a needless waste of time, but have found its place in the world as I less often get quoted at being 18. (This is makeup we're talking about here) It's rather disconcerting that I wear makeup to appear more put together, thus "older" and I also use anti-aging eye cream to ride the black circles under my eyes to look more energetic, thus "younger."

Next month is my ten-year high school reunion. Needless to say, hubby and I will not be attending. While high school was the best and worst times of my existence, I have little desire to spend the money on overpriced tickets, drive 7-hours, pay hotel, make small talk with a room of people under the influence, waste furlough time, and remind myself of the worst parts of high school. I'll stick with remembering the good parts. Band.

If you had asked me as a high school sophomore what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say that I upon my retirement from the Blue Devils (a competitive drum and bugle corps for those not as well versed), I would be a high school band director.

Yeah...

Let's just say NOTHING that I ever imagined for my life to be has come to fruition EXCEPT for the fact that it's perfect. Not in the no stress, no worries, rich beyond belief, people bow at my feet perfect...but I am exceedingly content and have found great joy in my life. My life is hectic and stressful more often than not, but I have a family that loves me unconditionally (because boy, I've sure tested those conditions over the years!), a wonderful husband whom was tailor-made just for me, and a position in ministry where my gifts and talents are stretched, utilized, and built upon daily. I wouldn't trade my life for the world...though an all-expense paid cruise to somewhere tropical wouldn't be that bad. Just kidding!

I find the world of social networking to be fascinating. Where else can you anonymously hide behind an identity to have the world view you in a different perspective as many do, reconnect with people you haven't seen or heard from in 20 years, or even commune with other members of the Body of Christ. (Caveat: While I do not support the ongoing movement for online churches, I do believe that the internet is a great connection for Christians to encourage, learn from, and fellowship with each other at a basic level. It is not a replacement for authentic relationships) I have also found the world of social networking to be an interesting place of contemplation and assurance of my place in this world. I look at some of the people in my life that I've been able to reconnect with--some have been wildly successful and are doing amazing things, others are just plugging along to the status quo, and others I'm not sure have had a sober day since high school graduation.

There are many times where I find my youth as a stumbling block in my daily life. It's not so much that I'm in a rush to grow up, but rather to live up to the myth that age brings experience...alas, we've discussed this before in conjunction with gender, so I digress. There's also those times where I have those moments that hit me and I say, "Wow, I'm a grown-up." We look back at our childhood and see those things that our parents did and couldn't imagine ourselves ever doing. It's a little surreal when you have those moments in life where you sit down with your spouse to annually review your life insurance coverage, sit down with lawyers to put together a will, make your wishes for the end of your life and the unexpected known, plan retirement savings, and start asking yourself the question, "If I do ____, what will be the long term effect?" I never imagined moments when I would be officiating a funeral, standing at the bedside with a family who just lost a loved one, or have the responsibility to meet the basic needs of a community within the resources we have been provided while spreading the absolute truth of Christ and the need for salvation. Mind-blowing. When you look at things from that point of view, it's pretty hard to argue in the existence of God and the necessity of a relationship with Him.

In conversations with my parents this week, I had occasion in each conversation to use the phrase, "I feel old." Yes, I do feel old--I'm exhausted, wrung out, and feel the great weight of various responsibilities on my shoulders. My mom's response to that statement was, "that's funny--because I don't!" Gee, thanks. My dad's response was, "Yeah, I know what you mean." Finally, a sympathizer.

So, as I embark on this 2nd day of my 29th year of life...I realize that I am that much the wiser from my life experiences, yet also in a position of great novice with a lifetime ahead of me of lessons to learn. Man, I feel old....it's time for a nap.

PS: I make an effort not to use specific names in my blog, as I don't even refer to my husband by name--but PLEASE take a moment to pray for retired Colonels Don & Jan Mowery and family, as well as Lt. Colonel Doug Danielson and his family, as these families have faced the unfathomable losses of loved ones this week. Thank you.

Things are never really as they seem...

...you know, the calm before the storm?

Why do I have this sense of impending doom...or rather, disconcerting uneasiness?

Oh well, par for the course.

Random day...great time at Bible study. It's fascinating to me that you can look at passages of scripture that you've read many times and yet be totally floored about what you can learn from them. Followed by car wash, picking up husband's prescriptions (oy, to wait for insurance reimbursements...why can't pharmacies just bill the 100% like our doctors once we meet our stop loss?), and a few hours at the laundromat to wash our comforter and mattress pad (we have a very small washer--not conducive to a king-sized anything!). It has been a very long time since I've been in a laundromat (okay, my summer assignment)...I had hoped to not live that fate again often. I never have good experiences there. Never. Today a lady got mad at ME because she left her laundry in the large-capacity washers and the attendant had to empty them because me and two other people were waiting for them, charging $1 a bag to get her stuff back (totally reasonable in my mind). Then another lady got mad at me because I moved seats because she STUNK of booze...I tried to be coy about it, checking my dryers to see if the bedding was dry and then taking another seat. I'm sorry, but please don't get mad at me because you choose to be looped at noon. I do nothing to provoke these people but walk in to do laundry...sheesh.

Starting to get the hang of this cooking and preparing lunches to take to the corps for two very different eating plans...I've managed to figure out how to at least eat the same dinner, lunch though is a very different story, and he's on his own to figure out breakfast. I find it rather interesting that those foods that are low in carbs are very high in fat. Hubby has to eat no more than 45g of carbs at a meal and 15g at snacks...this means a sandwich is a once a day shot, and cereal, rice and pasta are soooo out (sadness!). I only get 1000-1200 calories a day and a max of 30-40g of fat. For example, the same sandwich that hubby gets for lunch maxes out his carbs, but because it's diet bread his nutritionist recommended, it's low in calories and fat...so I can have sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...I'm tired of reading labels, so much to consider to buy a simple food item!

Anyway...my mind is shot tonight, as I'm sure you've picked up in my rambling. It's time for sleep.

Zero to Sixty and Back

Today was a test in my preparedness. I must say, I was rather surprised at myself and my ability to be flexible--not a strong point of mine. Needless to say, I found that it was rather painless to completely rearrange life for an unknown time span with little interruption of daily life at home after one short phone call, pack a suitcase in less than an hour (including a load of laundry and trip to the dry cleaners!), and putting my hands on the exact resources that I would need to refresh my grasp on said topic and shift into the mindset that I needed for the task at hand. Just as I zipped the suitcase to go out the door and drive to the airport, plans changed on a dime. God had some other plans, and I'm okay with that.

Well...at least I got the laundry done and finally ransomed out our uniforms from the dry cleaners...

So, after unpacking my expertly packed suitcase (it is so sad how good I've gotten at packing this year), I sat down to relax and while brownies baked for tomorrow's Bible study (my small group's turn to bring the refreshments), I finished my last lesson to prepare for tomorrow. It was an interesting study on Psalm 127. Now, this psalm has an interesting place in my heart as it was the scripture that I wrestled with for nine months in officer training school through exegesis, homiletics, and all the painstaking efforts in writing our "first" (read: intelligently prepared) sermons. The lesson in my Bible study today threw everything I knew right out the window, well sort of...it at least made me look more critically at what I was reading in the lesson, as the author of our study took the psalm, split it in half, and completely skewed the meaning as a result. While the lesson the author was getting to was a completely valid point in our relationship with God, she really missed the mark in interpreting this particular scripture.

Now I am taking it easy this evening and reflecting on life. Such an interesting journey, I'm glad I'm along for the ride. Can't imagine it any different than it is now, well, maybe with the exception of actually living in the same division--or at least time zone--of our friends (which means they need to move closer to us, because we like where we're at!)

Uninteresting day off planned for tomorrow...after Bible study I have to run some errands and work on a couple things at home. Resisting the urge to go to the corps...I'm curious to see the progress that was made after I left this afternoon on the newest endeavor in efficiency and organization to our food pantry--especially after ordering the utility carts that my husband requested for it today!

Ah Yes, Return to Reality

I totally understand the vacation from your vacation concept now. Last week, we took six days of furlough (didn't want to miss Sunday) to have a little breather--we have more furlough time in a year than one could logically fit in with our schedule, so we decided to take some time this month, the end of next month, and after Christmas (and we still have time that will vaporize!).

I had to drag myself out of bed when the alarm went off (after a customary hit of the snooze) so that I could start my morning ritual of breakfast, the daily homework for Bible study, get ready, put together healthy lunches and snacks for hubby and me (which sounds easy--not so much when his diet is low carb, and mine is low cal/low fat), and check the corps PO box on the way to the corps.

Once arriving at the corps it took me THREE HOURS to just open and sort the mail that accumulated in our absence (granted, I did have a couple interruptions for thrift store vouchers, phone, etc). Needless to say, all I accomplished today was getting my finance packet for last week and this week ready for the mail and write out this week's CCM cards. Didn't get to the email or answering machine...that's first up tomorrow along with my community service worker reports for the municipal court and finalizing our next preaching calendar for September through Easter. Sheesh. I guess the magical little fairies that do paperwork and filing skipped over my desk last week.

Had an awesome volunteer come in today to start to move palettes of food and shelving as we are reworking our food pantry this week to create a more effective & efficient use of space and the FIFO concept (first in, first out) for our food bank shipments. More help tomorrow and lots to still get done, including husband's long-awaited inaugural use of the refurbished floor buffer we finally acquired for the corps and painting the interior of the corps (adios pink chapel and ugly brown brick!)

Complaining aside, last week was a nice break from the normal...while we were busy, I was able to work side-by-side with my husband on several non-ministry related projects. Some of these we refer to as "marriage builders" because we have different points of view on how the job should be completed. In the end though, we figure it out together and haven't had any major catastrophes yet. The end of the week was nice as we were able to escape for a couple days and visit husband's grandma and some cadets on their summer assignment. Can't complain about the discounts we get for a common hotel chain...makes short getaways quick, easy, and super affordable. Getting away was good, we were finally able to rest--literally. When we checked into our hotel, we promptly fell asleep for a 4-hour nap, went to dinner, slept for 11 hours, visited, slept for another 2 hours, visited, slept 9 hours--and would've been longer had the phone not rang. That's one thing that always amazes me is that when we go away from home, we sleep so much that you would think we haven't slept in ages!

Well, I find myself babbling at this moment for lack of something better to write, but I figured I needed to put something down so that the random voyeurs of the world would still know I'm alive. More later...

The Devil Made Me Do It

No he didn't!

Ugh. As of late, I have found it very grating on my brain when I hear the excuse, "I...because Satan is..." (there's so many forms of that phrase)

In my last homework assignment for my Bible study, there was a few paragraphs dedicated to the control that satan has over our lives.

Now...I'm no theologian, but don't we have free will? Don't we have the ability to make our own choices? Just as we can choose to follow God, do we not also have the choice to follow satan? Using that line of thought, how can he control us?

Also, "satan is everywhere." Okay...satan's minions/demons, maybe... but when did satan become omnipresent? How can he be tempting me, starting wars around the world, and dragging you through the mud at the same time?

Hubby and I were talking about this last night because it was really bugging me how part of this study tried to pass off our responsibility of choosing right over wrong as something that's not our problem, it's just satan working. Too fluffy for me. Didn't go over well when I tried to present this case in my small group during Bible study today...there were a lot of "buts" and "what abouts." I don't think it even made people stop and think.

Other than that, Bible study wasn't disappointing today--I am so glad I made this leap! Learned a TON about Passover, the Feast of Unleavened Bread, and the Feast of Firstfruits and their correlation to the crucifixion, death/burial, and resurrection of Christ. Very interesting!

***
It has only taken 6 months since the first brush stroke hit the wall, but our master bedroom is FINALLY painted (took us 2 coats and 8 hours...stupid vaulted ceilings). Valspar's Universal Umber is B-E-A-UTIFUL...so don't miss the lime green, and don't foresee ever doing so. Curtains are in the process of being washed, and we're going to rearrange some of the furniture, but otherwise our bedroom is finally somewhere we want to be other than sleep!

Exciting couple days ahead as we wind up our six days of furlough. Doing a little local visiting and having a little getaway. Not sure if I'm taking the laptop yet, but probably won't post until later in the weekend.

Enjoy the weekend--hopefully it's not too hot where you are!

Torn

Why can't growing in our relationships with God be a painless process?

Now, before the wishy-washy Christian thoughts enter your mind, understand that I know that our relationship with God is not a to be stagnant and cozy endeavor...I just like rhetorical questions.

So, remember that Bible study I was all excited about in my last post? Well, I still am very excited--but as I continue to work through each day's "homework," I find that God is really pushing me out of my current state of comfort and I'm having to face some not so warm and fuzzy thoughts and feelings. Not quite something I expected from the Psalms of ASCENT.

The more that I dwell on it, I realize that before one can rise, the foundation has to be firm. In this instance, it means that I must rid myself of misconceptions, some past pains, and face some of the truths of God that I have felt didn't apply to me, or that I wasn't good enough to have be true for me.

While this Bible study is very uplifting and inspiring, some of the individual questions really throw me back into a state of contemplation and remembrance, not always a place I like to be...there's lots of things I like to just push out of my mind.

As I move forward today in this mode of "ouch vs. elation," I am thankful for the time that I am intentionally putting aside to commune with God and tackle some of these issues that I thought if I could push away long enough, they would just disappear. As much as the analogy makes me cringe, He's the potter and I'm the clay right now. (Don't know why that one bugs me...it just does)

Now back to my regularly-scheduled furlough laziness for the next hour until we leave to get new lenses for our glasses and a myriad of other appointments this afternoon, followed by FINALLY finishing the paint job on our bedroom that I started back in January...adios lime green, hello soothing "universal umber." (A dark beige-y brown color)

Furlough, Day 1

Vegetate in pajamas until 5pm: Check! (Would've been all day, but we were hungry for Applebee's salads for dinner)

*WARNING-TMI AHEAD* (Will alert you when it's over if you choose to scroll down)

So, about 8 months or so ago I underwent a medical treatment that I thought was the answer to many pet peeves. I made my biggest medical mistake ever--I took the doctor's advice alone without doing my homework (like it would've been that hard to come home and google). Apparently she played down the initial procedure itself, including the adjustment period, and the changes that would take place as a result. Initially, it was much more torturous than I had originally intended to put myself through (like believing the answer I would be okay to drive myself home, I ended up having to pull over several times), and the adjusting has been so-so...but the changes it has made, had I known beforehand, I may have spent more time considering this pseudo-luxury. Now it's too late...80% of the time I have no beef with the issue, but that other 20% I waver back and forth between waiting things out a bit longer to see if things change or go through the torture of ending the treatment. Did my homework afterwards, and many of the personal reviews I've read...about 50% get over the issues, and about 30% did not but chose to wait out the treatment's lifespan, and 20% went through the pain of discontinuing treatment.

I'm torn. But since I have yet to come up with better options that I'm willing to live with, I think I'll likely end up waiting and seeing...however, I'm not a happy camper with the random, unpredictable pain. And yes, I'm a big weenie--so it's even worse.

Moral of the story: Do your homework. Don't trust the doctor's opinion alone.

*TMI Ended*

Not much planned for our "staycation" this week. More than anything, we just needed a break from life. A daytrip planned for later in the week, and several doctor's visits for hubby this week. I am (sadly) looking forward to the diabetic nutritionist tomorrow for hubby, as when I made his appointment, she invited me along--I am looking forward to some advice and more educated information for grocery shopping and cooking diabetic-friendly to make my hubby healthier (as my attention goes primarily to calories and fat grams on my healthy eating plan, not what will lower his blood sugar). Life with him on insulin is starting to settle into a routine, which makes it much less stressful.

Wednesday morning I have a Bible study that I started to attend. I finally made the intentional choice that I need to stop dragging my feet and take a real day off--that the world won't end without me. This has been one of my goals on my ministry development plan for two years, it's about time I meet it. So, once I looked at the calendar upon starting this study, I found that Wednesday seems to be the best day to make this leap...so, last week it was okay, and we'll continue the trend after furlough. I really enjoyed this Bible study that I attended. I was initially looking for a place with people my age, similar interests, and that I could just be a stranger and not a leader...although, when I came, I was introduced as, "This is Stephanie. She's an ordained minister and her and her husband run The Salvation Army here in town." Yeah...so much for blending in. But, no one seemed to be put off by that--and it certainly doesn't make me an authority on anything! The current Bible study is a Beth Moore series on the Psalms of Ascent. Pretty interesting...I'm looking forward to this week's session. I love my small group, and all the participants are super friendly and welcoming. I'm not a big joiner--and this way out of my comfort zone to just show up and start something. I'm looking forward to hopefully making some more friends within our community outside of a pastoral/business role.

Other than that, nothing new in life today...got a letter from a wonderful officer friend in which we are now pen-pal-ing with each other. That was exciting to get something in the mail other than netflix! (It's sad when you really don't receive mail) I love that "tangible" communication that you can hold on to...something special about it.

Anyway, more of substance to come later...brain is still adjusting to vacation-mode. It's been difficult today to not do corps business, even at home.

Happy trails until we meet again!

Of This and That...

Been a busy few days....here's the highlights as I want to get off the computer and back to my book:

• Third Day Concert--AMAZING
• Trusting my husband's adventurous nature and spontaneously changing our route home to stop at Carlsbad Caverns--so cool!
• Walking through Carlsbad Caverns and driving over the Guadalupe Mountains vividly remembering the description the author used during a mother/daughter cross-country road trip of these sites in a book I recently read, "Gardenias for Breakfast."--trippy
• Rain off and on all afternoon--we so need it!
• Spent all afternoon (between loads of laundry) reading a book that I didn't think I would enjoy: "Stolen Innocence: My Story of Growing Up in a Polygamous Sect, Becoming a Teenage Bride, and Breaking Free of Warren Jeffs" by Elissa Wall--I can't put it down! Likely going to finish it tonight, about 100pgs left.

Happy Sunday! Tomorrow starts 6 days of furlough--much needed (though, it is starting with a stop at the office before everyone gets there to finish up some loose ends to we can truly relax)

Day Off....NOT!

So, this day started with the best of intentions to sleep in, take our comforter and mattress pad to the laundromat (king size bed+little washer=no bueno), and run over to El Paso (an hour away) to stock up at Costco and some other errands.

It was about 7am when I was pouring my cereal that this was not going to work out as envisioned. So much for sleeping in...husband woke me up when he got up early to do some outdoor work at the corps before it got too hot. Then I couldn't get moving, so the laundromat didn't happen. So, we got on the road to El Paso about 10am.

When we got there, we figured lunch was in order before every restaurant got busy. We went to Olive Garden, one of our favorites that we don't have here. My husband then floored me by ordering the soup and salad. Hello? Really? What has happened to my husband? (Though, I am proud of him, because I know it wasn't the best choice we could have made and he's really trying to get serious about getting his diabetes under control to cut off some of his medications)

Then we went to the mall because I needed to go to the Fossil store to get my watch battery replaced (it's been about 18months, it was about time). Well, we then had to find another watch place that was at the mall to get a battery in one of hubby's designer watches. While there we were paroozing the medical ID bracelets (for hubby, see above), and he chose one that he would actually wear instead of one of the cheapie drug store ones...so, while we waited for it to be engraved, I went to a hairdresser in the mall to get my hair and bangs trimmed (about 3 months procrastinated...).

After all of our excitement at the mall we headed for the bank (our choice bank does not have any locations in our town)...now, I knew it was a bank holiday and we would have to use the ATM. One of them was broken, the second one we were told "we have lots of deposits, we'll be about 20 minutes", and the third in the blazing sun finally worked (I think my sandals were melting to the sidewalk). Normally we bank deposits that we don't have direct deposited by mail, but we finally got caught up on our reimbursements from our health insurance to the tune of $794. We wanted to get it in the bank quickly because I promised hubby when we reached "x" amount of comfortable money that he could purchase a bike he's been drooling over...so, he'll be the proud owner of a brand new bike in a matter of short days.

Final stop was Costco...never a short trip. We went for a few items for home and for the corps, and ended up with more extras than we intended. Par for the course today. I won the "guess how much our cart full will cost at the register" contest by just under $8.

So, what should have been about a 2-hour shopping/errand excursion (4 1/2 with the driving) ended up being NINE hours. So much for that day off for the "observed" holiday...the one day we deliberately chose to close down everything and not do any work...that's okay, Friday is the Third Day concert we have tickets for. HOORAY!

This weekend was amazing. Saturday was spent in the mountains (much cooler than here in town) at their western days celebration--good music, good food, good clean family fun. Then on the drive home we stopped at a place called Bluff Springs--beautiful waterfall and hiking/camping area. We'll definitely be overnighting there sometime soon on our upcoming furlough dates. Sunday was a nice worship service--had a Salvationist visitor from Jamaica, that lives in Germany, and is visiting her sister in our tiny town of all places! Then in the evening our congregation was invited to another church for a time of worship/prayer/encouragement for our country and then we sat on the church lawn for the fireworks. The worship was just what I needed...I love it when this group of small churches comes together and is truly "there" for each other (in perspective: in a conservative Republican town of 35,000, we have 70 churches). Us little guys need the support from each other! Fireworks were disappointing though...delayed by almost 45 minutes and were not nearly as nice as last year's display.

Thankfully the neighbor's kids were not up all hours launching all of their own fireworks...they died down before midnight, so even though I didn't get my wish to sleep in--still got a good night's sleep.

And with that, a good night's sleep sounds like a good idea--short but busy week ahead of us!

The Unexpected Doesn't Make Appointments

Oh...the best laid plans.

Had a tightly-scheduled and busy day when we started this morning...and it went from busy to crazy.

Rain slowed my drive home from the doctor (7lbs. lost this time!), my prescription wasn't ready when I got to the pharmacy, answering machine at the corps did not have the message I was waiting for, printer jammed, post office parking lot was so jammed that I just skipped it, called to the hospital for chaplain duties before I was ready to go up for my normal visitation, thrift store truck was ready at the mechanic, had to quickly figure out lunch for hubby because he's not used to the spikes/lows with his new insulin, hubby had a doctor appointment that was useless because they didn't have the test results they were waiting for (seriously, a $5 gift certificate to the hospital cafeteria doesn't make it better today), and several other snags in the road that just threw everything off-track. We didn't even get through dinner together without the phone ringing (couldn't turn it off today being on-call)

We were originally going to get all our stuff done and then mid-afternoon head into the mountains for an evening with friends and we'll be enjoying the Western Days in Timberon tomorrow (hubby's judging the pie baking contest!). Needless to say, once the avalanche hit, that wasn't going to happen. Though, we are going to head up there early in the morning to enjoy all the festivities of the day. Then Sunday evening our congregation has been invited to a praise meeting/fellowship at another small church and we'll sit on the lawn of the church that has a great view of the fireworks...looking forward to that.

In the midst of it all today, I was humbled by a reminder of why I do what I do, and what God has called me for. I had a chance today in my hospital chaplaincy to visit with an incredible woman of God. Even in the midst of her situation, she was claiming the victory that comes through Christ with a smile on her face and a positive attitude. I had an opportunity to read her favorite scripture to her as she was unable to hold and read her Bible that morning, and she spoke it along with me word for word--and had written in her Bible all of the pronouns to "her" and her name--making it personal and claiming the promises that this Psalm held. My prayers were able to provide her comfort, and her faith spurred me on today. I had to get to the hospital and visit quickly as she was about to be transferred to another hospital when I received the urgent call for a chaplain--I pray I get to the opportunity to pass over her path again soon. Such an example of everlasting faith!

Praying now for the weekend to slow down and to enjoy the holiday, fellowship with friends, worship with our congregation, and a 4th full of praise and fellowship!

BE SAFE--DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!!! (But if you do, and happen to get assigned community service, please choose The Salvation Army of Alamogordo. We have plenty for you to do as we prepare for our summer extreme corps makeover!)

Life Lessons

When we first arrived in this appointment, we became hospital chaplains after hearing that there was a great need for them. So, for 2 days each month someone is "on duty" where you go to the hospital each of those days and visit those that have requested a pastoral visit, and then if there is an emergency, they can call you in at any time (I've had a few late night visits). Hospitals and nursing homes are not my cup of tea, so I figured this would be an excellent opportunity to challenge myself in an area that I'm going to have to minister in for the rest of my life.

Well, I'm on duty right now. I was going to head up this afternoon for my normal visitation, but I got a call about an hour before the corps closed for the day for an emergency, so my husband took care of the corps so I could get up there quickly. Let's just say when you get a call to "get here as soon as you can", it's not to rejoice with a family that just had a baby or likewise...

This is when my biggest doubts rear their ugly heads--afterwards. Did I say the right thing? Did I provide the family and patient with what they needed? Was I truly a mouthpiece of God's love and comfort?

And now I sit in a funk. I know that I am fully capable of proclaiming the message of the Gospel and speaking the truths of God's Word. I have the ability to be loving, caring, and compassionate. But doubts rule my mind. I know that emotions are a choice, but this is always one that's hard to shake for me for a time.

I wish I could just figure out how to flip the switch and snap out of this one! Urrggghhhh!!!!!

Not Seeing the Big Picture...

Okay, so this Bible verse keeps popping up:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

My mom used it in an article she wrote that was recently published in the New Frontier (Our territorial publication), I used it in a letter I just sent to a friend, and now today I received a birthday card and personalized magnet from our divisional commander & wife with the same verse.

Apparently I'm supposed to be paying attention.

Hmmm....it's a mystery to me how this one's going to play out. Hang on, it's going to be a wild ride!

In the Unexpected

Have you ever had one of those days where people get under your skin?

I get very frustrated when people blatantly lie to my face when I ask them a question about previous assistances they have received. "I don't remember..." or "But I thought it was..." or my favorite "But when I called I was told..." (no you weren't--in case you didn't notice when you came upstairs, my office is a loft above our lobby--I hear every word, even when you think I don't)

Dude. Seriously.

My birthday's coming up, but it wasn't yesterday. If an assistance appears with my name next to it in our social services software, I pull your file to verify, and show you your signature verifying receipt of said service, there's really not any question that it happened. Don't pull that junk with me, because honestly, it's not going to fly--there was a time when I was naive and would cry when I had to tell someone no--and there was a phase when I was far too cynical for my own good--and now I think I've settled into a good level of discernment and compassion, but that doesn't mean my compassion will override your scam. And to my credit, I did make a few phone calls to see if exceptions could be made today--so I'm not totally heartless.

Being in the people business, these days happen where the frustrations just don't roll off your back. It's discouraging. I want to have faith in people, that they are truly seeking a hand up and not a hand out. I want to believe that what I do is truly improving someone's situation and not just helping them fall into a pattern of dependence on people, agencies, assistances, etc. I really don't want to be someone's enabler. But, I also realize that in the end--whether I've made the right or wrong choice, God's going to reward or judge me or the other party accordingly.

Now, all that said, I did have a surprise from someone who crossed my path today that made me realize my harshness. This person seems to have one crisis after another, some legitimate, some not, and they always find their way to sitting across my desk from me. I don't know what it was--had to be a God thing, because it sure wasn't me--but I ended up helping this person in a way that normally I wouldn't, and it really opened up the door to conversation. We had a really nice conversation about my role as an officer, female pastor, and the societal stigmas that come with that (living in a small conservative town with 70 churches and only one other female pastor, I am generally viewed as the frail pastor's wife instead of an equal partner in corps leadership). It was really refreshing--totally threw me back, and unfortunately but me behind in my scheduled appointments, but it was time well spent. In our conversation, I was able to encourage this person in their newest endeavor and even provide some information that they weren't aware of to make their new journey a bit easier. Definitely a God thing.

I'm so glad to know that I serve a God who loves me enough to teach me in spite of myself. May I never forget the fact that I don't know it all, and while God works in my life--he also works in the lives of others, changing them for the better too. No one is above the need for God's redemption. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God's love for us rises above our iniquities--AMEN!

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I have found as I get older, I really don't enjoy shopping as I once did. I used to relish a shopping trip, even just a quick jaunt to pick up an item or two, and I would be in heaven to spend most of the day at the mall. Now, I find myself having to force myself to go to the store...and even then, we have to be pretty desperate (and I have learned that the best way to shop is just me, it tends to be the cheapest that way)

Our town's grocery shopping consists of an always busy Super Wal-Mart and small local grocery store that's part of a small chain. Typically, I only go to the grocery store for produce, and suffer out the rest at Wal-Mart in the crowds. Not to sound snobbish, but I would give anything for a Trader Joe's for groceries and a Target for all the rest!

This evening I went to do our grocery/toiletry shopping for the week. Unfortunately, due to our liking of fresh fruit and veggies, we have to go weekly in order to have what we like. It took me an hour and fourteen minutes from parking lot to loading the car. I hate crowds. Now, granted this trip took two phone calls and a picture message to my husband to decipher the items he put on the list, and I spent about five minutes paroozing the books, but the rest was spent in my methodical system of navigating the aisles (non-food items, non-perishable foods, produce, meat, cheese, and milk) with my categorically organized shopping list.

Many of my pet peeves roar their ugly head at the grocery store...people that won't stand to one side or the other, friends/families walk carts side-by-side blocking the whole aisle, and people that walk in front of you and stand there when you are just about to grab your desired item and move on with life.

Then there's the checkout...oh boy. As a savvy shopper, I always have my coupons, and if I have done any corps shopping, our tax exempt card ready--half the time the cashier will put these off to the side and forget to scan them before completing the transaction, meaning they have to void the sale and re-do it. Okay, so some stores it's not as much of a hassle as others...but sometimes that means re-scanning a whole cart full of food. Now, I know you may be thinking--just use the coupons next time, but that's the difference of $10-20 on any given shopping trip. That's an ice cream date or a movie with my husband! Heck no! I'm never rude about it, but I do nicely ask that my purchases are rung up correctly, and make it a point to thank them for the effort.

I try my very best to be polite to cashiers, I know their job is hard and they deal with a lot of poopy people throughout their day. Butttt....that doesn't give them the excuse in turn to hate the world. Granted, my line of work is vastly different--but I deal with a lot of poopy people too, and I find that the day goes faster and generally people respond better when you're not a jerk to them in return. Just a thought.

Ugh. Now that I've ranted...

Great day of worship with our congregation. Lots of prayer for our congregation and their families, fellow officers, service corps, and our world services campaign (ugh, I need some more ideas for "making it personal"--totally not getting through to people, the first few weeks of people's personal testimonies were cool, but I think the emphasis was totally lost). Husband preached a really good message on the 3rd Commandment (We're preaching through the 10 Commandments right now). Some interesting insights that totally expanded my view of what it means to misuse the name of the Lord.

Busy week ahead, looking forward to some fun on Saturday in the mountains. Friday is one week until the Third Day concert we have tickets for!!!