In my last post, I wrote about my holy tantrums before God. I can't seem to even muster up a good whine right now.
Frustrated seems like such a futile word, I'm past discouraged at this moment. Over the couple weeks I have begun to have completely random bouts of dizziness and fainting. My doctor is at a complete loss as to the cause, or how to prevent it (and before the suggested diagnoses come out, every test my doctor can do has been run and all common causes have been ruled out). She is sending me to a neurologist for further testing, which is difficult to find apparently. I made over 30 phone calls yesterday and the earliest I can be seen within 2-hours driving distance of home would be the end of September. Yeah...my life can't wait that long. I have put in an appointment request at the Mayo Clinic in AZ and should hear back today, and depending on the wait time I may be starting to make calls to doctors in Phoenix and Albuquerque.
I'm not a good patient, I hate resting and taking things easy. I am beside myself annoyed with so much going on right now that I am working limited hours, working more at home, and limiting my driving in order to keep myself safe. My husband is being great and understanding, but he has quite a bit to get done right now too, in addition to compensating for my increased time at home. I love to read, and while I could read all day--there comes a point when enough is enough. There's only so much one can waste time on Facebook. And I work on my laptop at home, but I can only concentrate on the screen for a little while before I get dizzy, so I only get small tasks done at a time.
I don't even have the words to pray right now. I'm worried as to what this could be, I'm angry at all I'm not getting done, I'm frustrated that I feel like a fragile child having to be focused on my every move. There's no tears to cry, no screams to wail...just silence.
I know in the silence that God knows my heart, and that He's working in this situation--I truly believe He is, I just wish this wasn't one of those times where God is working and isn't clueing me in on the plan.
Sigh....
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Sorry to hear of your physical difficulties. Love you and know that you are doing the best that you can do. Elizabeth Welch
ReplyDeleteYou already know this, but I want to say it anyway, you are in our thoughts and prayers. For different reasons, we understand waiting and waiting and feeling helpless and useless while waiting. While I can't imagine what it feels like to wait and worry for your reasons, we want you to know we're here. Sorry I didn't see this sooner.
ReplyDeleteI also know what you mean by the worry and apprehension of not being able to work as much as you'd like, again even if for very different reasons, we're right there with you, keeping you in prayer and whatever else we can do, don't hesitate to call (or write as you prefer-no judgments).
Love you guys!
Oh yeah and don't feel bad, you're doing as much as you can and you need to take care of yourself right now, everybody who takes time to listen will understand.
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