Faith vs. Fear

There's the old adage that I've seen as recently as today that says something like, "Where fear ends is where faith begins."

(If you're not interested in my ramblings, a short update of the week is at the bottom of this entry)

I know this will come as a surprise to those that know me (because, you know, I never question anything), but I don't quite agree with this statement. I think the two can coexist.

I didn't realize this until its actually come into perspective. While waiting for my second testing appointment that was scheduled yesterday, I got a call from the reception desk at my first test of yesterday, a brain MRI. The very kind woman explained that the radiologist was viewing my films to write his report and needed "just a few more views" of my brain, and that because I still had time before my next appointment (by the way, I LOVE centralized scheduling because of this experience), that I could return to the radiology department and be seen immediately.

This didn't bother me at first, but as I was laying in the MRI machine with my eyes blacked out and my head in this cage-like contraption for a second time in a matter of hours, I had some time to think. Now, one could just easily assume that the radiologist just didn't take quality images the first time, but sans my phlebotomist this week, I have received nothing but top-notch quality care and this thought did not enter my mind. The thoughts that have taken up residence are those of...why? Did he see something? Is he trying to diagnose something? Is he looking at a tumor or something? Yeah, I know...way to jump to conclusions. (And no, I do not have answers yet--my testing is not complete, I have more appointments next week and will see the doctor again at the conclusion of it all)

So, long story short--I can say there is a bit of fear running rampant in my head right now. Does this mean I've lost my faith? No, of course not. I still believe in God, I still accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and maintain my relationship with Him. I still believe that my sins are covered and I am forgiven. I still believe that my maintenance of said relationship is still securing my place in eternity. I believe and find comfort in the many attributes of the Triune God, and know that regardless of my feelings on the surface, that there is a peace that passes all understanding that dwells deep in my soul.

Am I afraid of what I might hear? Sure, I'm human. Does that make me an unfaithful person? No. Does fear or the lack thereof change what the result will be? Doubtful. Will fear change the actions that I take as a result of the results of my current situation? No.

See--here's where I find the disconnect from my opening quote. Fear is one of those "iceberg" emotions (probably one of the few concepts I could explain from psychology class). It doesn't change anything, but rather gives my mind something to occupy it instead of the underlying big picture. Fear exists because I don't know what the underlying big picture is yet, so it fills the void. Whether we sit there sometime next week and get the worst news we can imagine, or get a simple problem with a simple solution, there will be something deeper and concrete that will take the place of fear. So, fear will be gone--does that mean faith takes its place? No--because faith was there the whole time. Faith has carried me up to this point, through the tests, bad days, pain, and negativity that I'm so great at conjuring up in my own mind. Faith has brought comfort through family and friends, warm notes and messages, and the knowledge that in addition to my own pleas, are the petitions of others on my behalf.

Faith and fear can exist together. It's not one or the other...

*Update on the week*

-Traveled to Phoenix on Monday. Car ride excruciatingly long. Makeshift bed and painkillers did the job.
-Tuesday: Met with my coordinating doctor who leads my care team. Initial tests were ordered. Immediately was whisked in to another doctor for a two-hour consultation and an appointment for an x-ray.
-Wednesday: Labwork and the start of a 24-hour heart monitor test (picture hot Phoenix weather, electrodes all over your chest, and a monitor tied around your neck. Just say, "itchy.")
-Thursday: Finish heart testing
-Friday: Brain MRI, 2nd brain MRI (see above), and balance and dizziness testing (two and a half hours of torture purposely inducing dizziness. Forget water boarding, I've got some new tactics for Gitmo)
-Today: Exhausted, sore, in pain--spent the day resting
-Tomorrow: Church at a local corps
-Monday: Tests & Cardiologist to review heart tests
-Unknown: Finding out the results of my other tests, enduring any more tests that may be ordered, and meeting with my coordinating doctor for the results and making a care plan to deal with said results. We knew this at the start, but no one will give you test results or commit to anything until all test results are in to have the full-body view and have a complete diagnosis. So, at this point, we know nothing.

Good news: Been walking without the cane for a few days, sitting up for short periods of time (almost survived the length of a movie), and taking much less pain medication.

Praying to be going home sometime next week. Unless something serious is found or more urgent tests are needed, we were told the Mayo Clinic would not keep out-of-towners over a holiday weekend unless it is something that is needed for immediate assessment or treatment...but they don't make promises one way or the other.

I know many more read this than actually "follow" or comment--and please know that from the bottom of our hearts, that my husband and I are in deep gratitude for your care, love, and prayers and truly believe that your intercessions keep us going in the uncertainty and rough moments right now.