There is very little in this world that I feel I do well, and there are plenty of people that I envy from time to time for their abilities (yes, I'm human, get over it).
I try as often as I can to praise and thank people for the work that they do, because at the end of the day, our day wouldn't exist without their help. My prayer is that I always come across as sincere--because there are those times when you feel like you thank people too much, that it's almost like it isn't believable. You know what I mean?
I appreciate the skills of others, even when I have those envious feelings like I wish that I could just do it all on my own--downfall of being a perfectionist control freak. (yes, I admit it) Despite the occasional questioning of my sincerity, I also question if I encourage people enough?
We have such a need for leaders and those to take part in not only building our corps, but building the Kingdom as well. I wonder if I do enough in helping individuals realize their potential as leaders and encourage them along the way. There are so many leaders in this world that need encouragement to continue fighting the good fight, and I also wonder if I spend enough time encouraging them in the right way as well. I sometimes feel like my words may just go in one ear and out the other because I'm just a "stupid lieutenant" or may not be as experienced at they, or even because of the dreaded age factor.
There's that adage that a smile is contagious, and I find this whole subject of encouragement to be the same way--that the more we are able to genuinely encourage people, the more we feel encouraged in our own doings. Kind of like If you tell yourself you're not so bad enough times, you'll stop calling yourself an ugly cow...
Last night I felt to be a bit of a hypocrite. I felt the strong need to encourage a fellow blogger who is experiencing some of the similar feelings that I felt before I threw in the towel on my last blog. In time with God last night, I prayed that the sincerity of my words were stronger than the reality of my past experience. This person has incredible insights and has a great knack for writing about the balance and frustrations of the life of an officer--it's not all daisies and roses everyday, and this person captures those amazing highs and sometimes discouraging lows without being offensive or degrading of any person, place, or thing. Even though 99.9% of my communication with this officer has been via the facebook and blogging over the last few years, I have great admiration for this person and hope that they dig down deep for the confidence that is already within them to continue writing honestly as they have already. I also pray that we are appointed in closer proximity one day because I think we'd have a blast and our spouses would learn from each other in how to crack us up in new, hilarious ways!
Anyway, I digress...sorry if this doesn't seem coherent this evening, but the thoughts really are flowing logically in my brain...just not making it to my fingers. We are told in God's Word that it is good encourage one another. Proverbs 12:25 says, "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." If we could just always keep that on our minds to continue to build one another up, instead of knock each other down and allow our envy and bitterness to rule our emotions, that we would communicate better with each other and in the end, just get more done together.
As generic and overused as it may be, do unto others as you would have done unto you. It's not only scriptural, but an adage used in so many world religions. Do you really want others to hurt you? Then stop hurting them with your words and actions--find a way to encourage them!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
I think this is what death feels like
So, I went to sleep last night with anticipation of the long list of things that I had to do today. My husband went to sleep with the start of a cold.
I woke up stuffy from my allergies. My husband woke up on his deathbed from cold symptoms.
By the time breakfast was over, I had convinced myself that allergies may actually be me contracting hubby's cold. Hubby was executing the part of a sick guy with gusto.
Morning goes on, we determine both of us are too sick and need to rest.
Afternoon comes, still in pajamas.
Evening comes, still in pajamas, feeling like death--throat hurts, coughing, and can barely open my mouth it hurts to much. Hubby's still not feeling too hot either.
And that's the day in a nutshell...perhaps it's time for bed and hoping for a better morning.
I woke up stuffy from my allergies. My husband woke up on his deathbed from cold symptoms.
By the time breakfast was over, I had convinced myself that allergies may actually be me contracting hubby's cold. Hubby was executing the part of a sick guy with gusto.
Morning goes on, we determine both of us are too sick and need to rest.
Afternoon comes, still in pajamas.
Evening comes, still in pajamas, feeling like death--throat hurts, coughing, and can barely open my mouth it hurts to much. Hubby's still not feeling too hot either.
And that's the day in a nutshell...perhaps it's time for bed and hoping for a better morning.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
A Night of Anticipation...
It's one of those interesting times of year that only those inside "Army" culture really get the emotions going through many officers and their families. It is the eve of officer moves being announced in our territory. Some will get calls from their divisional commander tonight, others tomorrow morning, and then it will be posted for the rest to see at noon (well, 1pm for those in our time zone).
Nothing is ever 100% in life until zero hour, but we feel rather relaxed this evening and don't anticipate our phones ringing any time in the foreseeable future.
As many others that I love aren't feeling quite at peace as we do this evening, I find myself thinking about the two phone calls that I've received (I am in my third appointment, second for my husband).
The first call I got was near the beginning of kettle season, letting me know my change of appointment for when we got married (we got married 1/31/09). It was a bit awkward because we were at the end of our premarital counseling session that had ran long (we had too much fun chatting!) and my cell phone and the cell phone of the officer with us kept ringing--finally we figured we better answer the phones. It was the DC informing me that I would be moving into my husband's appointment after our honeymoon. (The other officer's phone was ringing because he was my soon-to-be hubby's CO) I just remember shock. Took awhile to sink in the reality.
Fast forward a few months. It's April 2009. Life was a roller coaster (some day I'll write about that story--they say that if you survive the first year of marriage, it's all downhill from there--we say it better be after everything that we went through with surgeries, accidents, multiple moves, family health, other various crises).
I was getting ready for Home League. I remember it distinctly--I was leading the program on being princesses (daughters of the King). My cell phone rang and it was the DC asking where my husband was, as neither of us were answering our office phone and my husband (I found out later) didn't hear his cell phone ringing and was out getting my van cleaned. My heart stopped not understanding immediately why the DC would be calling--it was that sinking feeling of "oh no! what could we possibly have done wrong?"
The DC said something along the lines of, "well, this is a very time sensitive matter, so please understand why I need to tell you this instead of waiting until your husband can be there too"
I think that's when my heart exploded.
We knew we would be moving last year, but we did not anticipate what the DC told us that we would be moving early. We found out in late April 2009 that we would be moving here to Alamogordo, NM, and we arrived here as the corps officers on May 27, 2009.
It's just a few weeks shy of a year--my longest appointment so far! Still loving every minute, even the not-so-fun moments.
Many use the phrases of "Man appoints and God anoints" or joke around that appointments are determined with a dartboard. I'd be lying if I said that those thoughts didn't cross my mind once in awhile, but I can testify to this fact: God knows what's going on always, even when we can't find Him in the midst of our humanness some days. God works everything according to His will, and despite the heartache we experience sometimes, we have to know that there's a reason in it for God to work in the larger picture of Kingdom-building--even though we may never understand or know what those reasons are.
So, regardless of what happens over the coming hours, days, weeks, and months as those learn of and prepare for change, know that you are bathed in prayer today. Not only by us, but by many other officers and godly people that care for you. Take comfort in that today. Remember the word of Scripture, "Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His face continually." (1 Chronicles 16:11)
Now--those of you on pins and needles--go to bed (now), get your rest (even though you think you'll toss and turn), and rise again in the morning with the strength of Lord to face the day!
Nothing is ever 100% in life until zero hour, but we feel rather relaxed this evening and don't anticipate our phones ringing any time in the foreseeable future.
As many others that I love aren't feeling quite at peace as we do this evening, I find myself thinking about the two phone calls that I've received (I am in my third appointment, second for my husband).
The first call I got was near the beginning of kettle season, letting me know my change of appointment for when we got married (we got married 1/31/09). It was a bit awkward because we were at the end of our premarital counseling session that had ran long (we had too much fun chatting!) and my cell phone and the cell phone of the officer with us kept ringing--finally we figured we better answer the phones. It was the DC informing me that I would be moving into my husband's appointment after our honeymoon. (The other officer's phone was ringing because he was my soon-to-be hubby's CO) I just remember shock. Took awhile to sink in the reality.
Fast forward a few months. It's April 2009. Life was a roller coaster (some day I'll write about that story--they say that if you survive the first year of marriage, it's all downhill from there--we say it better be after everything that we went through with surgeries, accidents, multiple moves, family health, other various crises).
I was getting ready for Home League. I remember it distinctly--I was leading the program on being princesses (daughters of the King). My cell phone rang and it was the DC asking where my husband was, as neither of us were answering our office phone and my husband (I found out later) didn't hear his cell phone ringing and was out getting my van cleaned. My heart stopped not understanding immediately why the DC would be calling--it was that sinking feeling of "oh no! what could we possibly have done wrong?"
The DC said something along the lines of, "well, this is a very time sensitive matter, so please understand why I need to tell you this instead of waiting until your husband can be there too"
I think that's when my heart exploded.
We knew we would be moving last year, but we did not anticipate what the DC told us that we would be moving early. We found out in late April 2009 that we would be moving here to Alamogordo, NM, and we arrived here as the corps officers on May 27, 2009.
It's just a few weeks shy of a year--my longest appointment so far! Still loving every minute, even the not-so-fun moments.
Many use the phrases of "Man appoints and God anoints" or joke around that appointments are determined with a dartboard. I'd be lying if I said that those thoughts didn't cross my mind once in awhile, but I can testify to this fact: God knows what's going on always, even when we can't find Him in the midst of our humanness some days. God works everything according to His will, and despite the heartache we experience sometimes, we have to know that there's a reason in it for God to work in the larger picture of Kingdom-building--even though we may never understand or know what those reasons are.
So, regardless of what happens over the coming hours, days, weeks, and months as those learn of and prepare for change, know that you are bathed in prayer today. Not only by us, but by many other officers and godly people that care for you. Take comfort in that today. Remember the word of Scripture, "Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His face continually." (1 Chronicles 16:11)
Now--those of you on pins and needles--go to bed (now), get your rest (even though you think you'll toss and turn), and rise again in the morning with the strength of Lord to face the day!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Not much but a little giggle today
Not too much to say today, at least that's for airing for the world to read. Though, I will give you a little funny:
My husband just finished a 2-day cardio stress test (great results, has the heart of a 30-yr-old--they actually asked him if he ran, HA!!!), but while doing this test they use a radioactive dye. They asked him yesterday if he had plans to go through border patrol checkpoints in the next week (we have border patrol check points between here and El Paso and here and Las Cruces). Well, he answered yes, he had to go to Cruces today and we'll be going to El Paso to pick up our mentors at the airport for a visit in a few days. So the doctor said that they would give my husband a letter detailing the information and date of the test because it would set off the border patrol radiation detectors.
We laughed about this and said, yeah, okay...haha. But no joke! My husband said when he pulled up to border patrol today that the agent wears a pager-like thing on his shirt that is a Geiger counter and it went crazy. So the pulled him into the detainment area and had him walk like 50 yards from his vehicle and ran the sensors over him and over the truck (and confirmed that it was him, not in the vehicle)--and had to fill out even more paperwork about the stop and copied the letter from the doctor.
Oh, when he got home today, I was practically on the floor howling in laughter as he was telling me about this ordeal!!! So, we'll have to warn our mentors when we pick them up that we'll be having a little excitement at border patrol.
Apparently I'm now married to radioactive man!
Just another one of those things in life where you need to just laugh!
My husband just finished a 2-day cardio stress test (great results, has the heart of a 30-yr-old--they actually asked him if he ran, HA!!!), but while doing this test they use a radioactive dye. They asked him yesterday if he had plans to go through border patrol checkpoints in the next week (we have border patrol check points between here and El Paso and here and Las Cruces). Well, he answered yes, he had to go to Cruces today and we'll be going to El Paso to pick up our mentors at the airport for a visit in a few days. So the doctor said that they would give my husband a letter detailing the information and date of the test because it would set off the border patrol radiation detectors.
We laughed about this and said, yeah, okay...haha. But no joke! My husband said when he pulled up to border patrol today that the agent wears a pager-like thing on his shirt that is a Geiger counter and it went crazy. So the pulled him into the detainment area and had him walk like 50 yards from his vehicle and ran the sensors over him and over the truck (and confirmed that it was him, not in the vehicle)--and had to fill out even more paperwork about the stop and copied the letter from the doctor.
Oh, when he got home today, I was practically on the floor howling in laughter as he was telling me about this ordeal!!! So, we'll have to warn our mentors when we pick them up that we'll be having a little excitement at border patrol.
Apparently I'm now married to radioactive man!
Just another one of those things in life where you need to just laugh!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
It Only Takes a Moment...
...to ruin someone's day.
This day went downhill from the start. If it was possible to have a do-over, I would've cashed in that chip. I made the mistake of taking a nap yesterday evening, even though i knew it was too late to rest, and ended up sleeping for two hours. Needless to say, when bedtime came around, I was wide awake--and remained so until after 1:30 this morning. In turn, I slept through my alarm clock and woke up to my husband shaking me, saying, "Aren't you supposed to be with the ladies?" (We have a women's ministries M-F walking group that meets at 7am) So, one embarrassing and apologetic phone message later, my day was off to a start.
I haven't seemed to have learned my lesson to schedule my conference calls later in the day since they tend to throw my entire day off track. I'm human--it's hard to not take things personally, and even more so, when I work my tush off to try to make a particular situation work out. Today...was pretty much the cherry on top for my patience level. I tamed my tongue and didn't say what I was thinking (shock of all shocks if you know me), and was very thankful that one of the others on the call stood up for me.
Now, don't get me wrong before I launch into this--I have no beef with ex-officers, their reasons for leaving are neither my business nor do I have a place to judge--your calling is between you and God. Many have gone on to do amazing things for the Kingdom with opportunities that they wouldn't have had otherwise, it's very interesting to see how God works in their lives. Anyway, I digress...
There was a comment made in this meeting that there are "people" (who were never actually identified) who have a problem with the role that I play. Now this isn't the first time that I've been knocked for working in the archaic vision of the "man's role" in an officer marriage. Here's the bottom line: My husband and I are not cookie-cutters to societal norms, but we are a perfect match. Our gifts compliment each other. Where I fall short, he has a strength, and vice versa. My strengths happen to lie in the business/administration area--i find great joy and satisfaction in this area of ministry, and my husband is extremely gifted in the pastoral and program area. It not only hit me like a punch in the face to hear this comment, but that it came from the particular individual that made this comment.
I praise God that I was smart enough to not say anything right away while my mind was reeling, and that another gentleman piped up and in a very politically correct way (I was truly impressed--learned a lot from his words), tell this individual that the Army is a very different place now than when this person was an officer (like before my parents were born, no joke) and that it is not uncommon for a female to take on this administrative leadership and that clearly this was where I fit well.
I was then given a chance to add, and all I simply added to the conversation (in a nice way, not the way I was hearing it in my head) that if this individual took the time to actually spend around us at the corps and in the community (instead of judging from their small vantage point), that this person would be able to see the reality that I am really just the support system--the background person if you will, that it is my husband that really takes charge and gets things done. The best way that I've found to phrase it is that he's the visionary, and I'm the one that lines up the ducks to help make it happen.
Anyway, it may seem like a trivial thing, but I seem to see more and more people in and out of "Army Life" that have a lot of disrespect for a woman officer--as a pastor in the pulpit and as a decision maker and strong business leader. It hurts. It's one of those things that I can't let roll off my back. It goes against the basic principles of our co-founders' view of a woman in ministry and, um, hello--it's 2010, not 1810. It's one of those things that just pushes my buttons. Some days I feel like I spend more time educating people on the diverse role of women in The Salvation Army than actually living out this role. I'm just tired of walking into a community meeting and the first question is "where is your husband today?" and then get treated like a delicate pastor's wife.
Anyway, I'm just complaining...but I've just been in a bad mood since this conversation this morning. My productivity level hit rock bottom, I barely accomplished anything because I couldn't focus. I finally stopped all work at one point and just sat with the devotional book that I keep on my desk and was comforted by a passage in Luke about faith and Joyce Meyer's thoughts on the verses. My anger has since melted away, but I'm just "blech"...I don't feel that I should have to always defend myself. It feels like I am my own hindrance in moving forward in some areas because of the sheer fact that I work where my gifts lie--which is TOTALLY contrary to scripture.
I think of the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 12 that say, "Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal. For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit; To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues: But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will." (1 Cor 12:4-11 KJV)
This chapter continues in that God gifts us all in different ways, and as the complete body of Christ we each come together as a part of the body to impact the world for Christ. Then comes scripture that even non-Christians lean on, the love chapter (1 Cor 13:13 NIV)..."And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." And it doesn't matter about me (even when i think it does), God will show others in His time the truth of it all--and my job in the meantime is to trust in Him, know through faith that He will work in all things, and that my responsibility is to love--still love those even when in our humanness we don't want to love them at a particular moment.
Tonight I'm working on loving those that I don't want to love right now. No one ever said walking with God was pretty...but eternity is a long time to be wrong.
PS: Congratulations to our friends, corps officers in Haines, Alaska, on the birth of their absolutely gorgeous daughter!!! (And you so can't say that about all newborns!)
This day went downhill from the start. If it was possible to have a do-over, I would've cashed in that chip. I made the mistake of taking a nap yesterday evening, even though i knew it was too late to rest, and ended up sleeping for two hours. Needless to say, when bedtime came around, I was wide awake--and remained so until after 1:30 this morning. In turn, I slept through my alarm clock and woke up to my husband shaking me, saying, "Aren't you supposed to be with the ladies?" (We have a women's ministries M-F walking group that meets at 7am) So, one embarrassing and apologetic phone message later, my day was off to a start.
I haven't seemed to have learned my lesson to schedule my conference calls later in the day since they tend to throw my entire day off track. I'm human--it's hard to not take things personally, and even more so, when I work my tush off to try to make a particular situation work out. Today...was pretty much the cherry on top for my patience level. I tamed my tongue and didn't say what I was thinking (shock of all shocks if you know me), and was very thankful that one of the others on the call stood up for me.
Now, don't get me wrong before I launch into this--I have no beef with ex-officers, their reasons for leaving are neither my business nor do I have a place to judge--your calling is between you and God. Many have gone on to do amazing things for the Kingdom with opportunities that they wouldn't have had otherwise, it's very interesting to see how God works in their lives. Anyway, I digress...
There was a comment made in this meeting that there are "people" (who were never actually identified) who have a problem with the role that I play. Now this isn't the first time that I've been knocked for working in the archaic vision of the "man's role" in an officer marriage. Here's the bottom line: My husband and I are not cookie-cutters to societal norms, but we are a perfect match. Our gifts compliment each other. Where I fall short, he has a strength, and vice versa. My strengths happen to lie in the business/administration area--i find great joy and satisfaction in this area of ministry, and my husband is extremely gifted in the pastoral and program area. It not only hit me like a punch in the face to hear this comment, but that it came from the particular individual that made this comment.
I praise God that I was smart enough to not say anything right away while my mind was reeling, and that another gentleman piped up and in a very politically correct way (I was truly impressed--learned a lot from his words), tell this individual that the Army is a very different place now than when this person was an officer (like before my parents were born, no joke) and that it is not uncommon for a female to take on this administrative leadership and that clearly this was where I fit well.
I was then given a chance to add, and all I simply added to the conversation (in a nice way, not the way I was hearing it in my head) that if this individual took the time to actually spend around us at the corps and in the community (instead of judging from their small vantage point), that this person would be able to see the reality that I am really just the support system--the background person if you will, that it is my husband that really takes charge and gets things done. The best way that I've found to phrase it is that he's the visionary, and I'm the one that lines up the ducks to help make it happen.
Anyway, it may seem like a trivial thing, but I seem to see more and more people in and out of "Army Life" that have a lot of disrespect for a woman officer--as a pastor in the pulpit and as a decision maker and strong business leader. It hurts. It's one of those things that I can't let roll off my back. It goes against the basic principles of our co-founders' view of a woman in ministry and, um, hello--it's 2010, not 1810. It's one of those things that just pushes my buttons. Some days I feel like I spend more time educating people on the diverse role of women in The Salvation Army than actually living out this role. I'm just tired of walking into a community meeting and the first question is "where is your husband today?" and then get treated like a delicate pastor's wife.
Anyway, I'm just complaining...but I've just been in a bad mood since this conversation this morning. My productivity level hit rock bottom, I barely accomplished anything because I couldn't focus. I finally stopped all work at one point and just sat with the devotional book that I keep on my desk and was comforted by a passage in Luke about faith and Joyce Meyer's thoughts on the verses. My anger has since melted away, but I'm just "blech"...I don't feel that I should have to always defend myself. It feels like I am my own hindrance in moving forward in some areas because of the sheer fact that I work where my gifts lie--which is TOTALLY contrary to scripture.
I think of the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 12 that say, "Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal. For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit; To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues: But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will." (1 Cor 12:4-11 KJV)
This chapter continues in that God gifts us all in different ways, and as the complete body of Christ we each come together as a part of the body to impact the world for Christ. Then comes scripture that even non-Christians lean on, the love chapter (1 Cor 13:13 NIV)..."And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." And it doesn't matter about me (even when i think it does), God will show others in His time the truth of it all--and my job in the meantime is to trust in Him, know through faith that He will work in all things, and that my responsibility is to love--still love those even when in our humanness we don't want to love them at a particular moment.
Tonight I'm working on loving those that I don't want to love right now. No one ever said walking with God was pretty...but eternity is a long time to be wrong.
PS: Congratulations to our friends, corps officers in Haines, Alaska, on the birth of their absolutely gorgeous daughter!!! (And you so can't say that about all newborns!)
Monday, May 10, 2010
Did I Do Enough?
This is one of those questions that has been plaguing me lately. In our ministry, we have such diverse responsibilities, that sometimes it can feel like you don't have the time to spend on doing one thing well.
That said, our task is people. People's souls lie in our hands--and it's a huge responsibility, and one not to be taken lightly. Ultimately, it is the choice of the individual to accept Christ or reject Him, but it is our responsibility to plant the seeds. Even if we aren't the ones that are with an individual at that moment of conversion, our primary responsibility should be the condition of people's souls and guiding them along the pathway to faith in the one, true living God.
I find myself struggling with this over the last few weeks as I feel like I've fallen short. Did I say the words that the Holy Spirit gave me the opportunities to speak? Did I try hard enough? Is my life a reflection of the words that I speak, so that others see Christ in me? I don't have answers to these questions--and it bugs me. I like answers, I'm a logical person, 2+2=4. My fear is that I have not lived up to be the servant of Christ that I have been commissioned to be, and for some that have passed through our lives in recent time, it has eternal consequences.
The past few weeks I have found the need to put myself aside and focus on others in their times of need. We conducted our first funeral and then several days later I was at the bedside when a woman was unexpectedly Promoted to Glory and found myself as the one to be with the large family as they came and said their initial goodbyes, tried to process what just happened, and make some initial decisions. While not the brightest of circumstances, it is a privilege to have the opportunities to be with people during such a time as that in their lives, and I am humbled to be a part of people's families for that time.
I know that in the end all of my laments and the inadequacies that I feel are heard and dealt with by God. It's exhausting to have that thought in the back of your mind that you may have failed someone, but I also have to look at the successes too--or I would never get out of bed in the morning.
The last year has been absolutely incredible--we have accomplished things that we never though possible and have seen firsthand God work through our labors--personally, in our marriage, and in our ministry. As with anything new, there's always growing pains (on both sides of the coin), but in the end much has worked out for the best for all involved. As corny as it sounds, God has blessed our socks off--many days we sit back in awe knowing that what goes on is not through our own strength.
Personally, God has worked hard in me to come to several realizations that I have been able to rationalize and justify in a twisted manner for so long that it had hardened my heart in some areas. I truly can testify now that when we can't fix ourselves on our own, and we invite God to do a mighty work in us--that we need to hang on for the ride. God heals. He can take that pain and strife and turn it to work for good. Hurts will never be gone, but now they exist as a lesson triumphed to make the person that I am today.
It's still a hard thing to say and believe some days, but I'm proud of the person that I am. I have lots of faults, and take many opportunities to dwell on those areas where I feel I have failed in life and ministry. I also see so much good that comes too, and I've never really seen those positive things before--and now that I can see them, it's a happy thing to be able to see how I've grown and changed. (not in a conceited, prideful way)
I am often reminded of a passage of scripture that my husband and I giggle about a few of the verses sometimes because of some things we've muddled through, but so much truth is in these words:
"Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:5-11 NIV)
Now that is truth to claim!
So, I digress to my original question: Did I do enough? I don't know, but God does, and that's an okay answer for me today.
That said, our task is people. People's souls lie in our hands--and it's a huge responsibility, and one not to be taken lightly. Ultimately, it is the choice of the individual to accept Christ or reject Him, but it is our responsibility to plant the seeds. Even if we aren't the ones that are with an individual at that moment of conversion, our primary responsibility should be the condition of people's souls and guiding them along the pathway to faith in the one, true living God.
I find myself struggling with this over the last few weeks as I feel like I've fallen short. Did I say the words that the Holy Spirit gave me the opportunities to speak? Did I try hard enough? Is my life a reflection of the words that I speak, so that others see Christ in me? I don't have answers to these questions--and it bugs me. I like answers, I'm a logical person, 2+2=4. My fear is that I have not lived up to be the servant of Christ that I have been commissioned to be, and for some that have passed through our lives in recent time, it has eternal consequences.
The past few weeks I have found the need to put myself aside and focus on others in their times of need. We conducted our first funeral and then several days later I was at the bedside when a woman was unexpectedly Promoted to Glory and found myself as the one to be with the large family as they came and said their initial goodbyes, tried to process what just happened, and make some initial decisions. While not the brightest of circumstances, it is a privilege to have the opportunities to be with people during such a time as that in their lives, and I am humbled to be a part of people's families for that time.
I know that in the end all of my laments and the inadequacies that I feel are heard and dealt with by God. It's exhausting to have that thought in the back of your mind that you may have failed someone, but I also have to look at the successes too--or I would never get out of bed in the morning.
The last year has been absolutely incredible--we have accomplished things that we never though possible and have seen firsthand God work through our labors--personally, in our marriage, and in our ministry. As with anything new, there's always growing pains (on both sides of the coin), but in the end much has worked out for the best for all involved. As corny as it sounds, God has blessed our socks off--many days we sit back in awe knowing that what goes on is not through our own strength.
Personally, God has worked hard in me to come to several realizations that I have been able to rationalize and justify in a twisted manner for so long that it had hardened my heart in some areas. I truly can testify now that when we can't fix ourselves on our own, and we invite God to do a mighty work in us--that we need to hang on for the ride. God heals. He can take that pain and strife and turn it to work for good. Hurts will never be gone, but now they exist as a lesson triumphed to make the person that I am today.
It's still a hard thing to say and believe some days, but I'm proud of the person that I am. I have lots of faults, and take many opportunities to dwell on those areas where I feel I have failed in life and ministry. I also see so much good that comes too, and I've never really seen those positive things before--and now that I can see them, it's a happy thing to be able to see how I've grown and changed. (not in a conceited, prideful way)
I am often reminded of a passage of scripture that my husband and I giggle about a few of the verses sometimes because of some things we've muddled through, but so much truth is in these words:
"Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:5-11 NIV)
Now that is truth to claim!
So, I digress to my original question: Did I do enough? I don't know, but God does, and that's an okay answer for me today.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Welcome to My New Start
Welcome to my new journey in blogging. Quite awhile ago, I deleted my old blog because of negative feedback that I received second- and third-hand. I have found recently that I have missed my writing and rambling, so I've weighed out the pros and cons and decided to give it another shot. Unfortunately, due to past experiences, the disclaimer on the top of my page is necessary--not to be mean or inflict a sense of censorship, but to protect myself and also model an appropriate reaction for conflict (coming to me directly!)
This is who I am:
-A child of God
-A minister of Christ's love
-A daughter
-A wife
-A friend
-A work in constant progress
-A person who respects honesty and communication
-A direct person
-A sometimes cynical, cranky, ecstatic, optimistic, pessimistic, or hopeful person (or any other myriad of emotions dependent on the day)
-Strongly opinionated, but respectful of the views of others
This is who I am NOT:
-Perfect
-An expert on anything
-Into drama or mind games
-Ever meaning to intentionally offend, insult, or hurt anyone
Well, that's about it for now...let's see where this new journey shall lead!
I leave you today with some food for thought, my "life verse" that is applicable every single moment of every single day: "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." (Psalm 86:11 NIV)
This is who I am:
-A child of God
-A minister of Christ's love
-A daughter
-A wife
-A friend
-A work in constant progress
-A person who respects honesty and communication
-A direct person
-A sometimes cynical, cranky, ecstatic, optimistic, pessimistic, or hopeful person (or any other myriad of emotions dependent on the day)
-Strongly opinionated, but respectful of the views of others
This is who I am NOT:
-Perfect
-An expert on anything
-Into drama or mind games
-Ever meaning to intentionally offend, insult, or hurt anyone
Well, that's about it for now...let's see where this new journey shall lead!
I leave you today with some food for thought, my "life verse" that is applicable every single moment of every single day: "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." (Psalm 86:11 NIV)
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