Did I Do Enough?

This is one of those questions that has been plaguing me lately. In our ministry, we have such diverse responsibilities, that sometimes it can feel like you don't have the time to spend on doing one thing well.

That said, our task is people. People's souls lie in our hands--and it's a huge responsibility, and one not to be taken lightly. Ultimately, it is the choice of the individual to accept Christ or reject Him, but it is our responsibility to plant the seeds. Even if we aren't the ones that are with an individual at that moment of conversion, our primary responsibility should be the condition of people's souls and guiding them along the pathway to faith in the one, true living God.

I find myself struggling with this over the last few weeks as I feel like I've fallen short. Did I say the words that the Holy Spirit gave me the opportunities to speak? Did I try hard enough? Is my life a reflection of the words that I speak, so that others see Christ in me? I don't have answers to these questions--and it bugs me. I like answers, I'm a logical person, 2+2=4. My fear is that I have not lived up to be the servant of Christ that I have been commissioned to be, and for some that have passed through our lives in recent time, it has eternal consequences.

The past few weeks I have found the need to put myself aside and focus on others in their times of need. We conducted our first funeral and then several days later I was at the bedside when a woman was unexpectedly Promoted to Glory and found myself as the one to be with the large family as they came and said their initial goodbyes, tried to process what just happened, and make some initial decisions. While not the brightest of circumstances, it is a privilege to have the opportunities to be with people during such a time as that in their lives, and I am humbled to be a part of people's families for that time.

I know that in the end all of my laments and the inadequacies that I feel are heard and dealt with by God. It's exhausting to have that thought in the back of your mind that you may have failed someone, but I also have to look at the successes too--or I would never get out of bed in the morning.

The last year has been absolutely incredible--we have accomplished things that we never though possible and have seen firsthand God work through our labors--personally, in our marriage, and in our ministry. As with anything new, there's always growing pains (on both sides of the coin), but in the end much has worked out for the best for all involved. As corny as it sounds, God has blessed our socks off--many days we sit back in awe knowing that what goes on is not through our own strength.

Personally, God has worked hard in me to come to several realizations that I have been able to rationalize and justify in a twisted manner for so long that it had hardened my heart in some areas. I truly can testify now that when we can't fix ourselves on our own, and we invite God to do a mighty work in us--that we need to hang on for the ride. God heals. He can take that pain and strife and turn it to work for good. Hurts will never be gone, but now they exist as a lesson triumphed to make the person that I am today.

It's still a hard thing to say and believe some days, but I'm proud of the person that I am. I have lots of faults, and take many opportunities to dwell on those areas where I feel I have failed in life and ministry. I also see so much good that comes too, and I've never really seen those positive things before--and now that I can see them, it's a happy thing to be able to see how I've grown and changed. (not in a conceited, prideful way)

I am often reminded of a passage of scripture that my husband and I giggle about a few of the verses sometimes because of some things we've muddled through, but so much truth is in these words:

"Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:5-11 NIV)

Now that is truth to claim!

So, I digress to my original question: Did I do enough? I don't know, but God does, and that's an okay answer for me today.