Memoirs & Secret Demons

I picked up a book from the bargain table when we were in Phoenix because I was intrigued by the title, and the small print mentioned that it was the memoirs of the author's experience during a particular time span in her life. Read the flaps, sounded pretty interesting and funny...so I figured I couldn't lose.

While the book was exceptionally written and an amazingly vivid depiction of a chapter in this woman's life, it hit far too close to home. It was absolutely hilarious at parts, because, well, sometimes the only way to deal with things in life is to make jokes.

While I found 90% of the book a great read, the other 10% took over my mind. Down to the author's first name, the book couldn't have been written any closer to many parts of my life unless I wrote it myself. In some ways, it was comforting that I'm not alone in those things that I fight with in my head--but it also made me very sad that she hasn't found the answer yet either--a way to break through the cycle that continually repeats itself in fighting her/my/our demons. As I closed in on the final chapters where the author fast-forwarded to present day, I was crushed that she isn't any closer than me in walking away from something so present in life that it is almost genetically patterned into who I am.

I wanted to lay there and weep as I finished the last sentence (but didn't as I didn't want to wake my husband and have to explain my blubbering). We all have demons in our lives...those secrets that we keep inside not so much because of shame we feel, but rather because of the disappointment that strikes in our hearts because we just can't claw our way out of it. Don't get me wrong here--I'm not talking sin, more along the line of bad habits.

Sometimes I find myself envious of how some people in similar positions wear their vices or bad habits as almost as a badge of honor--proclaiming to the world that "this is me and I'm messed up." For me it always comes down to the fear of judgment in why I don't shout my issues from the rooftops (and man, if you could get inside my head--there's sure more than one!)

I've recently embarked on yet another mission to evict these demons from my mind permanently. Knowing I can't do it alone through education and tangible change, there has to be a spiritual change that is going to make this work. I find it eerily interesting that this new ambition came on the eve of starting a new Bible study series that I am attending that in fact addresses these very spiritual barriers that hinder from freeing myself of the chains that hold me back from walking away from something that has been a part of my life for my entire life, and apparently it won't kill me--no really, scripture promises me this one in Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NIV)

And so, the journey begins again. I don't really have anything to lose, other than a repeat of continually breaking my heart in disappointment...but I have everything to gain.

Once again, life's a wild ride!