The thoughts in my head...

...and boy are they scary!

Well, nothing has really changed in my life except a shower an a clean pair of pajamas, here's some random thoughts for the day:

• No matter how many times you hit refresh on your browser, it will not increase the growing time for your crops in Farmville on Facebook (be quiet, you know you've played some version of a Sims game in your life, well, this is mine)
• In the quest for something new and different, laying sideways on the bed (even though it's a king-size and your feet don't hang off) is just not at all comfortable
• Husband's pillows are more comfortable than mine...even though they are the same brand, bought at the same time, and switched around countless times from being washed and changing the sheets. Same with his side of the bed, even though we regularly rotate and flip the mattress
• Thinks the pharmaceutical industry is biased against men...or at least diabetics. My prescriptions for allergies and such range between $0.89-$5.35/mo depending on the medicine. Just five (less than half of what he takes) of my husband's refills came to $314 today, and he's got one more to pick up tomorrow that's $34. And that's just our portion! Good thing it's payday...for those that know the payscale for two years of service with no dependent children, that's a little crazy to now have to wait the weeks it takes for reimbursement. We use a neighborhood pharmacy....definitely going to talk to the owner about possibly billing us so we can send it to our insurance and cut out us as the middlemen.
• Daytime TV stinks. As much as I love a good chick flick and the ability to watch numerous movies of my choosing, netflix instant is getting old too. It's sad when the highlight of your day is when "Wife Swap" comes on
• Painkillers are not conducive to reading for content. Hence, books are out of the question and emails get answered 3-4 at a time.
• Eating your meals and staying in bed all day is not glamorous. Why is this romanticized in movies?
• Regardless of how long we live here, I will never not be startled by the sonic booms and explosions from the missile range. Or not be annoyed by every dog in the neighborhood going absolutely insane a split second later.
• It's rather funny how many people with strict/9-5 jobs post on Facebook throughout the work day, yet those with flexible schedules and those that are essentially their own boss usually only do first thing in the morning and/or at night. I wonder if there's a connectedness to career happiness in there?

And, last but not least...

Have you noticed that I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND?

Perhaps a nap is in order.

As the World Turns...

I think one of the hardest things for me lately is that the world continues to go on without me. Now, I don't say that in a narcissistic, superficial kind of way...but more in a contemplative "sigh" tone.

While I have done what I can in my position from 0-45 degrees, I am very much missing about 90% of my everyday life and ministry. I feel guilty about those that are being inconvenienced by my current state, and even some of those normal things I would (and could) engage in right now that I just can't bring myself to do right now out of my own pity party. I decided after barely surviving church on Sunday, that on Tuesday I would take just two hours at the corps to see clients for electric assistance (Our volunteers run our food pantry, but I provide our thrift store voucher assistance and utility assistance programs because of their complexity until I find an able and willing soul to train to do it for me). So, Tuesday morning I embarked on the two hour ritual to get ready and dressed (it is a long process involving many breaks back in bed) and got to the corps where I was welcomed by our volunteers who were happy to see me. Needless to say, I had a full house waiting for me and I was swamped with clients for the entire time I was there. In fact, I had to have my husband be my buffer to get me out of there because I kept getting the "just one more" effect from others. I got home in excruciating pain and immediately slept the rest of the day away and slept most of yesterday away too...and okay, today as well. While it alleviated my guilt, it was not worth the price to pay.

I can't wait for all of this to be a distant memory. I am looking forward to next week with anticipation of answers, but not at all excited for the prospect of a 7-hour car ride, all of the tests I will have to endure, and the prospect of having to spend a lot of time sitting up in waiting areas if my pain is not alleviated by the doctors initially and quickly. I want my life back. I want the fellowship and ministry of corps life, I want to spend time with my husband other than him helping me at our bedside or beside me at night, I want to come and go as a please and not be afraid to even stand up when alone for fear of fainting.

I often remind myself that we give satan too much credit for the things that go on in our lives. I have been reminded by others lately that we "must be doing something right" to be tested by satan in such a way as this. While I don't know if I'm fighting against my own discouragement of some situations that we have been battling since before this issue or truly against the plots of the evil one, I have to constantly remind myself of God's blessings and work in my life. I have an absolutely amazing husband who selflessly is taking care of me and picking up the slack in the midst of his own pain from his accident and what has proved to be absolutely grueling allergy testing for him to start immunotherapy. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances and people I don't even know praying for us. I have incredibly understanding people working with me with understanding on what is not getting done right now and bestowing that grace needed to get things done as I can. When I remind myself of those things, I find it hard to be discouraged because honestly, I'm spoiled!

Life's not easy right now, and it won't be once this hurdle is past, it's just another slope on the roller coaster. I'm just ready to be a part of life again instead of being a distant observer.

In the words of Lorelai Gilmore...

"...And the hits just keep on comin'"

You know that moment when you think, "Man, things really can't get any worse"

HA!

So, last night as I was in my perpetual state of pain and laying in bed (and watching a particularly good movie), my cell phone rings. It's my husband, who I knew to be out on a bike ride.

But what do I know....

He was hit by his car on his bike.

So, I did my best to throw on some semblance of appropriate clothing to wear in public, as I have been wearing jammies in bed to be comfortable (another HA!). Then came getting behind the wheel...now, I can't sit up, which is kind of an essential to driving...so I found a remotely tolerable position with the seat back as far as my arms could still reach the steering wheel (oh, it was special). Get to the ER and of course it's packed on Friday night, so I had the LAST parking spot...after what seemed to be an eternity of my limpy-with-a-cane walk to get to him, the next trial was where to sit. I tried to sit, that lasted all of five minutes, so I ended up having to kneel on the floor and lean over the seat (thank goodness it was very clean). The nurse laughed at me, but understood.

My husband didn't look super when I got there, because they hadn't cleaned him up yet. His nurse was exceptional, and got him cleaned up, talked with us, and was very nice while we waited for the doctor, who also turned out to be exceptionally nice and caring as well. Three hours later we were "walking" (oh, we were a sight together) to the car. (How does he get nice doctors and nurses and a three hour visit, when I have mean doctors who cut you off when you talk, don't listen, and end up being in the ER for 7-8 hours???)

In the end, no broken bones or serious injuries, just some gnarly road rash, a few bruises, and stiff muscles. His (expensive new) bike was totalled, helmet took some damage too--but ALL PRAISE TO GOD that it wasn't worse. After a good night's sleep and a wonderful wife to clean and bandage his wounds, he's in much better condition than one would expect for getting hit by a car. Just a little soreness and stiffness today. So relieved...I can't handle anymore bad news right now!

Nothing new on my end. Coached husband on grocery shopping (even with a list with brand name, item specifics, and a physical description of item's shelf location, he still called me three times with questions--he did wonderfully!) and how I wash the laundry (I know, beggars can't be choosers). I know I've said this a lot, but my husband is amazing to me--there is zero doubt in my mind of his unconditional love and his faith in "in sickness and in health." I owe him big time once I'm back to myself again.

Starting the mental checklists of everything to do and plan before leaving for the Mayo Clinic. Going to have to start writing it down...there's a lot to plan with not knowing for sure how long we'll be gone--7-14 days is not descriptive (though, 4 days into this jaunt starts our six days of furlough that was previously planned for which helps). Spending lots of time in prayer and talking with God these last few days. I believe He's preparing the doctors that I will be encountering and that we can at least get a diagnosis so a treatment plan can be determined. Been praying for lots of friends and family too. Doing a lot of listening as well. There is some plus side to the solitude.

Anyway...I'm babbling now. Until next time, adios!

Horizontal Musings

Since arriving home from church on Sunday, about 95% of my time has been spent laying down.

Why you may ask? Because my lower back is in such severe pain that I cannot sit-up or stand, or walk without the assistance of a "cane" (my husband's walking stick).

What caused the pain? Heck if I know. One moment I was fine, next I was in excruciating pain.

What did you do? Toughed it out for the afternoon watching "For Keeps" on netflix (I think the only Molly Ringwald movie I've never seen) and then at my husband's urging went to the ER.

What happened at the ER? Bloodwork, x-rays, IV, morphine injection (the ONLY relief I've felt from this pain), ultrasounds, and other unpleasant tests which resulted with me screaming from the pain of having to lay on my back for said tests--all over the span of seven hours.

So what was the result? Prescription for pain medication and another medication because "the back pain is the result of an infection"

What kind of infection? "We don't know"

How long will this last? See previous answer

When will I feel better? See previous answer

So.....to my long list of dizziness, fainting spells, and general fatigue, I now add severe lower back pain.

I had no choice to get out of bed on Tuesday as our new food bank was coming for our certification inspection. It took me two hours to get dressed, and 15 minutes to get into the van and 15 minutes to get out of the van (with a 3 minute drive) to get myself to the corps to meet the inspector as my husband was at a long-awaited appointment that we couldn't cancel. Passed the inspection with flying colors and lots of compliments (thanks to my husband who spent well into the night on Monday making sure we couldn't get nailed on anything). After that I collapsed back into bed and slept the rest of the day away as it took every ounce of energy out of me.

Today I had another visit with my doctor, and she had all of the results of my tests from this second ER trip. Some interesting findings, but nothing that actually diagnoses my issues. We decided that we have tapped all of our local medical resources, and my doctor is on several panels at the Mayo Clinic.....so, I'll be jaunting to the Mayo Clinic in Arizona in twelve days. I will be there 7-14 days while they do all of the tests that they feel need to be done and that I can see all of the specialists that I need to see in one trip, and hopefully I will leave there with a diagnosis and a treatment plan to fix me!!!

In the meantime, I'm getting our money's worth on netflix because daytime television is awful, mastering the art of working on my laptop laying down at every possible angle that may be comfortable at that moment, and doing my best to be a corps officer from our bedroom. Needless to say, the last part is a bit lacking despite technology that enables me to work from home and I am very frustrated with my lack of productivity and tired of being in bed.

My husband deserves super kudos juggling his packed schedule, filling in for me, taking care of me, and running my errands....he's been incredible.

When the pain meds wear off and I'm cranky, I find myself being rather negative...but I am trying my hardest to have a positive attitude (as I have no clue if I'll be bounding around again in a matter of days, or still stuck in bed until we leave for AZ). My doctor is 30 minutes from home, and by the time we got there today, I could barely get out of the car (laying in the front with the seat back...it was too much of a "sitting up" position for me)...so, our contingency plan for travelling to Phoenix is to put a twin mattress in the back of my minivan so I can lay in a comfortable position. Not sure how border patrol will react to this, but right now that's the only way I'm going to survive seven hours in the car. At this point I'm just praying to be okay enough to make it to church on Sunday so my husband doesn't have to do everything.

So...there you have it. Life from my side of the bed. Time to get up and shuffle a painful lap around the kitchen (I'm terribly paranoid of blood clots from being in bed so long) On the upside, even with being in bed for the last four days, I still lost 4 pounds! This brings me to a total of 40 pounds lost since my heaviest weight (last April when I had my sinus surgery) and 30lbs lost since October when I started going to my current doctor!!!

Rubber Legs Go Away!

My brain hasn't checked in for service yet today, I've stared at the same email long enough for my stats input to time out and log off. Clearly I'm being productive.

Awesome Bible study yesterday...needed the message of encouragement and to encourage others. Nice monthly meeting with the other hospital chaplains. It was the 10th anniversary of the chaplaincy program, so the hospital provided us with a beautiful lunch! Then I was wiped, so I took residence on the couch to return emails and phone calls, and get a little bit of work done.

Today is slow moving, and I'm rather discombobulated from the random dizzy, but at least I'm taking it slower than the tortoise so no fainting (baby steps...). Still can't say I'm amused that all I've gotten done today is help my husband pour paint and build about 8 food boxes. Hopefully I get a surge of energy this afternoon to help him finish painting the chapel so that tomorrow he can just worry about stripping and sealing the floor in there...then buff/wax it Saturday morning and we'll have a brand spankin' new chapel! Next week's job is the corps kitchen so that we have it finished before the new food bank comes in for their inspection. So not looking forward to moving out three freezers, a fridge, and a stove to paint and do the floors!

Other than that, just waiting for the phone to ring in return to one of my bazillion messages to a neurologist to get a sooner-than-later appointment or my doctor saying that she has magically found what is wrong!

No Words

In my last post, I wrote about my holy tantrums before God. I can't seem to even muster up a good whine right now.

Frustrated seems like such a futile word, I'm past discouraged at this moment. Over the couple weeks I have begun to have completely random bouts of dizziness and fainting. My doctor is at a complete loss as to the cause, or how to prevent it (and before the suggested diagnoses come out, every test my doctor can do has been run and all common causes have been ruled out). She is sending me to a neurologist for further testing, which is difficult to find apparently. I made over 30 phone calls yesterday and the earliest I can be seen within 2-hours driving distance of home would be the end of September. Yeah...my life can't wait that long. I have put in an appointment request at the Mayo Clinic in AZ and should hear back today, and depending on the wait time I may be starting to make calls to doctors in Phoenix and Albuquerque.

I'm not a good patient, I hate resting and taking things easy. I am beside myself annoyed with so much going on right now that I am working limited hours, working more at home, and limiting my driving in order to keep myself safe. My husband is being great and understanding, but he has quite a bit to get done right now too, in addition to compensating for my increased time at home. I love to read, and while I could read all day--there comes a point when enough is enough. There's only so much one can waste time on Facebook. And I work on my laptop at home, but I can only concentrate on the screen for a little while before I get dizzy, so I only get small tasks done at a time.

I don't even have the words to pray right now. I'm worried as to what this could be, I'm angry at all I'm not getting done, I'm frustrated that I feel like a fragile child having to be focused on my every move. There's no tears to cry, no screams to wail...just silence.

I know in the silence that God knows my heart, and that He's working in this situation--I truly believe He is, I just wish this wasn't one of those times where God is working and isn't clueing me in on the plan.

Sigh....

Quick Thought of the Day

I just finished a lesson in my Bible study homework this morning and came across an interesting thought. The author spoke of having "a respectable fit" before God when we encounter those hard situations that sock us in the gut in which we do not have the words or answers for.

A respectable fit?

Please...

Yes, God Almighty deserves reverence and the utmost of respect--but let's be honest here, those aren't the only attributes of God. He's also our father.

What father has never experienced the total, sprawled out on the floor, kicking and screaming tantrum of their two-year old?

Exactly.

Respectable fit...okay, perhaps in a public setting. But when it's just me and God, and I'm really wrestling with something--the tears, screams, and fists are flying. I find more comfort in my soul in having an outright tantrum before God than simply silent questioning.

Right or wrong...who knows?

But God still loves me anyway.