I think one of the hardest things for me lately is that the world continues to go on without me. Now, I don't say that in a narcissistic, superficial kind of way...but more in a contemplative "sigh" tone.
While I have done what I can in my position from 0-45 degrees, I am very much missing about 90% of my everyday life and ministry. I feel guilty about those that are being inconvenienced by my current state, and even some of those normal things I would (and could) engage in right now that I just can't bring myself to do right now out of my own pity party. I decided after barely surviving church on Sunday, that on Tuesday I would take just two hours at the corps to see clients for electric assistance (Our volunteers run our food pantry, but I provide our thrift store voucher assistance and utility assistance programs because of their complexity until I find an able and willing soul to train to do it for me). So, Tuesday morning I embarked on the two hour ritual to get ready and dressed (it is a long process involving many breaks back in bed) and got to the corps where I was welcomed by our volunteers who were happy to see me. Needless to say, I had a full house waiting for me and I was swamped with clients for the entire time I was there. In fact, I had to have my husband be my buffer to get me out of there because I kept getting the "just one more" effect from others. I got home in excruciating pain and immediately slept the rest of the day away and slept most of yesterday away too...and okay, today as well. While it alleviated my guilt, it was not worth the price to pay.
I can't wait for all of this to be a distant memory. I am looking forward to next week with anticipation of answers, but not at all excited for the prospect of a 7-hour car ride, all of the tests I will have to endure, and the prospect of having to spend a lot of time sitting up in waiting areas if my pain is not alleviated by the doctors initially and quickly. I want my life back. I want the fellowship and ministry of corps life, I want to spend time with my husband other than him helping me at our bedside or beside me at night, I want to come and go as a please and not be afraid to even stand up when alone for fear of fainting.
I often remind myself that we give satan too much credit for the things that go on in our lives. I have been reminded by others lately that we "must be doing something right" to be tested by satan in such a way as this. While I don't know if I'm fighting against my own discouragement of some situations that we have been battling since before this issue or truly against the plots of the evil one, I have to constantly remind myself of God's blessings and work in my life. I have an absolutely amazing husband who selflessly is taking care of me and picking up the slack in the midst of his own pain from his accident and what has proved to be absolutely grueling allergy testing for him to start immunotherapy. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances and people I don't even know praying for us. I have incredibly understanding people working with me with understanding on what is not getting done right now and bestowing that grace needed to get things done as I can. When I remind myself of those things, I find it hard to be discouraged because honestly, I'm spoiled!
Life's not easy right now, and it won't be once this hurdle is past, it's just another slope on the roller coaster. I'm just ready to be a part of life again instead of being a distant observer.
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