So I've been working on a new endeavor the last few weeks that has really shifted my direction in life and point of view...it's a huge learning experience and is requiring me to put aside a LOT of pride and usual/comfortable feelings. Completely uncharted territory and it scares the crud out of me, but I know that God blazing this trail before me, because I wouldn't have been dumped on this way without His leading and revelation.
I came to a point this week where I really had to humble myself and make some choices. The choices require me to not only step out of my comfort zone...but completely shatter it. The first time was a half-hearted attempt, I did what I needed to do, but in a safe situation....and tonight I made the decision to make this attempt again, but do it the right way, for real where I needed to be--and not in control of the circumstances. I showed up where I needed to be at the time I needed to be there. AND THOSE THAT WERE TO BE THERE WERE NOT THERE!
I was soooooooo angry. Now, easily I could have felt a sense of relief that I didn't have to deal with what I set out to deal with....but no, I got ticked. I still think I'm a little bit angry and frustrated. Slowly simmering down though as I have tools to use as an outlet in this particular situation.
So, I attempted to face this fear head on, but it didn't follow-through to the benefit of its original purpose. Sooo....did I really triumph, or am I back at the starting gate?
Yeah...it's late, I'm tired. I'm sure this makes no sense.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
*Insert Creative Title Here*
When did it become halfway through October?
So much to be done...and we desperately need to start interviewing for a Christmas Assistant as we need so much more help than last year with all the hub-bub around the corps. We intend on bumping up our Thanksgiving assistance to match last year's Christmas assistance....so we're looking at 1400 total families/cases between the two holidays. Man, that's a lot of turkeys.
Tomorrow's another busy day...food bank truck coming, plus we have to go for a tri-weekly pickup of food donations from a store we have recently partnered with here in town. The first week we picked up just over 2000lbs of food. Last week was over 3000lbs. I'm almost scared to see what this week holds...but praise the Lord for such a blessing of donations. We've had many a grateful teary eye walk out of our office this week with the awe of being able to take fresh bread, eggs, produce, and meat home to their families. A ton of work (literally) for us as we have to process, weigh, and sort everything...but it's priceless in seeing the appreciation that people have for the items that we have not been able to offer in any form of a consistent basis before.
Spent the day doing paperwork and tackling the mountains of stacks on my desk; had a few clients come my way (volunteers run our food pantry most days, I handle the "other" social services that we offer)...but sadly I was only able to offer referral as their needs far outweighed our capabilities. Oh, to have that unlimited bank account...but then again, it's only a bandaid for the immediate emergency. My time is better spent after applying the bandaid to educate in love so that this injury does not become chronic. Unfortunately, so many have already reached that chronic state (and even generational expectation) that it's hard to help others discover a different way to manage life than living in the stress of always trying to find what agency will pay my bills this month. It's not my place to judge why someone has landed across my desk--but it's my calling to give that holistic hand up, not just a handout. I pray some of those seeds fall on fertile ground...because I sure don't get to see the fruit very often!
Getting annoyed by people's assumptions as of late. I do not have any long-sleeve uniform shirts, and have often forgotten to put on my sweater to cover my arms over the last week. I don't appreciate the nosy questions or knowing looks of people "assuming" that I've been abused. Hello? Have you met me? Anyone would know that my tolerance for physical abuse of any form lies right below my serious disdain and lack of compassion for rapists and child molesters.
Last week I had the privilege to visit the ER three times (once wasn't for me!), and the pleasure of being stuck a total of eight times between these two visits to start IVs for bloodwork (the second visit, they ended up getting the IV in my SHOULDER--talk about unpleasant!). Thus, my forearms from bend to wrist and the backs of my hands are covered in giant black bruises....I seriously dislike having a light (essentially glow-in-the-dark white) complexion. No answers though...not due to obscurity, rather a lack of effort--but I'm not going to dwell on that peeve here. Going to a larger town on Wednesday for some definitive tests ordered by my doctor to figure out what's up...at least my doctor has it narrowed down to a 50/50 choice of diagnosis, just need the tests to determine what's up. So....hopefully by the end of the week I'll know if I will be scheduling gallbladder surgery or receiving treatment from a stress-induced ulcer from my last illness. Either way, I'm not amused to be dealing with this right now.
There's good news though on the health front...another 6 pounds lost over the last six weeks, bringing a total close to 40lbs for the year so far. Still not sure how to handle this slow weight loss, definitely don't lose sizes as quickly--I've *barely* eecked down one size. Though, that does make it quite exciting as now I can wear my commissioning tunic again--and it fits better than it did when I was commissioned, and that I had my skirt seriously altered at the waist as it was sitting about halfway down my hips. It's not often that I "feel" good about how I feel in clothes...but I must say, yesterday was a pretty awesome feeling wearing a nicely tailored and well-fitting uniform as I have been very self conscious the last month or so feeling like I was drowning in the uniform I was wearing.
Anyway, I'm babbling...so I'll quit now. Figured I should write, but a solid topic didn't come to mind...so, enjoy my brain dumpings!
So much to be done...and we desperately need to start interviewing for a Christmas Assistant as we need so much more help than last year with all the hub-bub around the corps. We intend on bumping up our Thanksgiving assistance to match last year's Christmas assistance....so we're looking at 1400 total families/cases between the two holidays. Man, that's a lot of turkeys.
Tomorrow's another busy day...food bank truck coming, plus we have to go for a tri-weekly pickup of food donations from a store we have recently partnered with here in town. The first week we picked up just over 2000lbs of food. Last week was over 3000lbs. I'm almost scared to see what this week holds...but praise the Lord for such a blessing of donations. We've had many a grateful teary eye walk out of our office this week with the awe of being able to take fresh bread, eggs, produce, and meat home to their families. A ton of work (literally) for us as we have to process, weigh, and sort everything...but it's priceless in seeing the appreciation that people have for the items that we have not been able to offer in any form of a consistent basis before.
Spent the day doing paperwork and tackling the mountains of stacks on my desk; had a few clients come my way (volunteers run our food pantry most days, I handle the "other" social services that we offer)...but sadly I was only able to offer referral as their needs far outweighed our capabilities. Oh, to have that unlimited bank account...but then again, it's only a bandaid for the immediate emergency. My time is better spent after applying the bandaid to educate in love so that this injury does not become chronic. Unfortunately, so many have already reached that chronic state (and even generational expectation) that it's hard to help others discover a different way to manage life than living in the stress of always trying to find what agency will pay my bills this month. It's not my place to judge why someone has landed across my desk--but it's my calling to give that holistic hand up, not just a handout. I pray some of those seeds fall on fertile ground...because I sure don't get to see the fruit very often!
Getting annoyed by people's assumptions as of late. I do not have any long-sleeve uniform shirts, and have often forgotten to put on my sweater to cover my arms over the last week. I don't appreciate the nosy questions or knowing looks of people "assuming" that I've been abused. Hello? Have you met me? Anyone would know that my tolerance for physical abuse of any form lies right below my serious disdain and lack of compassion for rapists and child molesters.
Last week I had the privilege to visit the ER three times (once wasn't for me!), and the pleasure of being stuck a total of eight times between these two visits to start IVs for bloodwork (the second visit, they ended up getting the IV in my SHOULDER--talk about unpleasant!). Thus, my forearms from bend to wrist and the backs of my hands are covered in giant black bruises....I seriously dislike having a light (essentially glow-in-the-dark white) complexion. No answers though...not due to obscurity, rather a lack of effort--but I'm not going to dwell on that peeve here. Going to a larger town on Wednesday for some definitive tests ordered by my doctor to figure out what's up...at least my doctor has it narrowed down to a 50/50 choice of diagnosis, just need the tests to determine what's up. So....hopefully by the end of the week I'll know if I will be scheduling gallbladder surgery or receiving treatment from a stress-induced ulcer from my last illness. Either way, I'm not amused to be dealing with this right now.
There's good news though on the health front...another 6 pounds lost over the last six weeks, bringing a total close to 40lbs for the year so far. Still not sure how to handle this slow weight loss, definitely don't lose sizes as quickly--I've *barely* eecked down one size. Though, that does make it quite exciting as now I can wear my commissioning tunic again--and it fits better than it did when I was commissioned, and that I had my skirt seriously altered at the waist as it was sitting about halfway down my hips. It's not often that I "feel" good about how I feel in clothes...but I must say, yesterday was a pretty awesome feeling wearing a nicely tailored and well-fitting uniform as I have been very self conscious the last month or so feeling like I was drowning in the uniform I was wearing.
Anyway, I'm babbling...so I'll quit now. Figured I should write, but a solid topic didn't come to mind...so, enjoy my brain dumpings!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Still Around...
...working on a new endeavor, so time is at a premium these days.
Life is good.
Feeling much better.
Cleared to drive again yesterday (YES!!!!)
God is doing some great work.
Stay tuned.
Life is good.
Feeling much better.
Cleared to drive again yesterday (YES!!!!)
God is doing some great work.
Stay tuned.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Stuck in the wheel
Today is just one of those days where I feel like I'm stuck going in the continuous, vicious circles of the proverbial hamster wheel. There's that cycle I get caught up in that I come so close to breaking free from and then it's right back at square one. Where's the breaking point? It just seems like things can get so close that the goal is in view, and wowie--right back to where I was, wondering why in the world I couldn't experience the end result?
Why is mediocrity so easy? Why is it so easy to let myself down when it comes to the things that I desire so much for my life? Why is it so easy to dream those God-sized dreams, yet so disappointing when the little things stand in the way?
Some days being a grown-up just bites.
In other news...the holiday season is upon us at the corps. Thanksgiving & Christmas planning officially hit full swing today. And, oh yeah, I again win the "World's Biggest Nerd" award--no explanation necessary.
Why is mediocrity so easy? Why is it so easy to let myself down when it comes to the things that I desire so much for my life? Why is it so easy to dream those God-sized dreams, yet so disappointing when the little things stand in the way?
Some days being a grown-up just bites.
In other news...the holiday season is upon us at the corps. Thanksgiving & Christmas planning officially hit full swing today. And, oh yeah, I again win the "World's Biggest Nerd" award--no explanation necessary.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Not a Happy Camper...
Frustrated.
Angry.
Saddened.
Disappointed.
That's all for today...fighting off some of that discouragement that tries to sneak its way in when you're doing things right.
Angry.
Saddened.
Disappointed.
That's all for today...fighting off some of that discouragement that tries to sneak its way in when you're doing things right.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Healthy Apple Crisp Recipe! YUM!
Hubby and I were looking for something new and different to do today that wouldn't be too hard on me...and so we decided to go apple picking as there was an article in the newspaper this weekend that all the orchards were opening. We picked Jonathans and Galas, about two dozen of them (9lbs). While we eat a lot of fruit, I wanted to find something different to do with them too--so I found a diabetic apple crisp recipe and altered it to make it lower fat too...tastes pretty darn good!
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
4 cups of apples, peeled and sliced (4 medium apples)
2 Tablespoons of flour*
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
6 packets of Splenda***
Mix above ingredients in bowl and spread in 8-9" square pan (with a little non-stick spray was perfect)
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup margarine
1/2 cup flour*
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of baking soda
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
Combine all ingredients and spread over the top of apple mixture.
Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Turn down to 325 degrees and bake another 15-20mins or until golden brown. Serve warm, store in fridge.
Cut into 9 servings= 119 calories, 6 grams of fat, 13 grams of carbs
Whole Pan= 1051.5 calories, 56.5 grams of fat, 119.1 grams of carbs
*Flour: We used a combination of 1/2 peanut flour and 1/2 all-purpose flour, nutritional value will be negligibly altered for using just all-purpose flour
**Flax seed: We used this for the nutritional value, does not affect taste. If you omit this ingredient, subtract 280 calories, 20g of fat, and 20g of carbs from the whole pan nutritional values
***Splenda: The original recipe called for 1/4 cup of sugar substitute, we don't like the sweetness of sugar substitutes, so we just used less. Calories and carbs will increase if you use more than the 6 packets of Splenda used above.
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
4 cups of apples, peeled and sliced (4 medium apples)
2 Tablespoons of flour*
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
6 packets of Splenda***
Mix above ingredients in bowl and spread in 8-9" square pan (with a little non-stick spray was perfect)
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup margarine
1/2 cup flour*
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of baking soda
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
Combine all ingredients and spread over the top of apple mixture.
Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Turn down to 325 degrees and bake another 15-20mins or until golden brown. Serve warm, store in fridge.
Cut into 9 servings= 119 calories, 6 grams of fat, 13 grams of carbs
Whole Pan= 1051.5 calories, 56.5 grams of fat, 119.1 grams of carbs
*Flour: We used a combination of 1/2 peanut flour and 1/2 all-purpose flour, nutritional value will be negligibly altered for using just all-purpose flour
**Flax seed: We used this for the nutritional value, does not affect taste. If you omit this ingredient, subtract 280 calories, 20g of fat, and 20g of carbs from the whole pan nutritional values
***Splenda: The original recipe called for 1/4 cup of sugar substitute, we don't like the sweetness of sugar substitutes, so we just used less. Calories and carbs will increase if you use more than the 6 packets of Splenda used above.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Memoirs & Secret Demons
I picked up a book from the bargain table when we were in Phoenix because I was intrigued by the title, and the small print mentioned that it was the memoirs of the author's experience during a particular time span in her life. Read the flaps, sounded pretty interesting and funny...so I figured I couldn't lose.
While the book was exceptionally written and an amazingly vivid depiction of a chapter in this woman's life, it hit far too close to home. It was absolutely hilarious at parts, because, well, sometimes the only way to deal with things in life is to make jokes.
While I found 90% of the book a great read, the other 10% took over my mind. Down to the author's first name, the book couldn't have been written any closer to many parts of my life unless I wrote it myself. In some ways, it was comforting that I'm not alone in those things that I fight with in my head--but it also made me very sad that she hasn't found the answer yet either--a way to break through the cycle that continually repeats itself in fighting her/my/our demons. As I closed in on the final chapters where the author fast-forwarded to present day, I was crushed that she isn't any closer than me in walking away from something so present in life that it is almost genetically patterned into who I am.
I wanted to lay there and weep as I finished the last sentence (but didn't as I didn't want to wake my husband and have to explain my blubbering). We all have demons in our lives...those secrets that we keep inside not so much because of shame we feel, but rather because of the disappointment that strikes in our hearts because we just can't claw our way out of it. Don't get me wrong here--I'm not talking sin, more along the line of bad habits.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how some people in similar positions wear their vices or bad habits as almost as a badge of honor--proclaiming to the world that "this is me and I'm messed up." For me it always comes down to the fear of judgment in why I don't shout my issues from the rooftops (and man, if you could get inside my head--there's sure more than one!)
I've recently embarked on yet another mission to evict these demons from my mind permanently. Knowing I can't do it alone through education and tangible change, there has to be a spiritual change that is going to make this work. I find it eerily interesting that this new ambition came on the eve of starting a new Bible study series that I am attending that in fact addresses these very spiritual barriers that hinder from freeing myself of the chains that hold me back from walking away from something that has been a part of my life for my entire life, and apparently it won't kill me--no really, scripture promises me this one in Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NIV)
And so, the journey begins again. I don't really have anything to lose, other than a repeat of continually breaking my heart in disappointment...but I have everything to gain.
Once again, life's a wild ride!
While the book was exceptionally written and an amazingly vivid depiction of a chapter in this woman's life, it hit far too close to home. It was absolutely hilarious at parts, because, well, sometimes the only way to deal with things in life is to make jokes.
While I found 90% of the book a great read, the other 10% took over my mind. Down to the author's first name, the book couldn't have been written any closer to many parts of my life unless I wrote it myself. In some ways, it was comforting that I'm not alone in those things that I fight with in my head--but it also made me very sad that she hasn't found the answer yet either--a way to break through the cycle that continually repeats itself in fighting her/my/our demons. As I closed in on the final chapters where the author fast-forwarded to present day, I was crushed that she isn't any closer than me in walking away from something so present in life that it is almost genetically patterned into who I am.
I wanted to lay there and weep as I finished the last sentence (but didn't as I didn't want to wake my husband and have to explain my blubbering). We all have demons in our lives...those secrets that we keep inside not so much because of shame we feel, but rather because of the disappointment that strikes in our hearts because we just can't claw our way out of it. Don't get me wrong here--I'm not talking sin, more along the line of bad habits.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how some people in similar positions wear their vices or bad habits as almost as a badge of honor--proclaiming to the world that "this is me and I'm messed up." For me it always comes down to the fear of judgment in why I don't shout my issues from the rooftops (and man, if you could get inside my head--there's sure more than one!)
I've recently embarked on yet another mission to evict these demons from my mind permanently. Knowing I can't do it alone through education and tangible change, there has to be a spiritual change that is going to make this work. I find it eerily interesting that this new ambition came on the eve of starting a new Bible study series that I am attending that in fact addresses these very spiritual barriers that hinder from freeing myself of the chains that hold me back from walking away from something that has been a part of my life for my entire life, and apparently it won't kill me--no really, scripture promises me this one in Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NIV)
And so, the journey begins again. I don't really have anything to lose, other than a repeat of continually breaking my heart in disappointment...but I have everything to gain.
Once again, life's a wild ride!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
A Bunch of Nothing
Not much to report today.
Extremely tired from the get-go today, barely made it through my 4 hours at the office and couldn't leave early because I had an assistance appointment scheduled with a client for right before I was planning to go home. Made it through the stacks of mail on my desk that has accumulated since we were gone and claimed success over it, only to realize when I picked up my briefcase to go home that the mailbag we use to empty our PO Box had gone untouched--and it was a full one today since this was the first day the post office was open since we've been home. I also tried to start an order for the food bank, only to realize I was six days too early to order for the next delivery--which was a complete waste of time, because they'll have an entirely different stock by Monday when I can order! (and that was a double bummer, because there were some pretty good stuff in commodities and free stuff that will be gone by the time I can reserve it, but when I called not realizing my faux paux, they said they're expecting to have even better stuff by next week so I'll have a bigger selection) UGH!
Came home, took a much needed nap, hubby went out on a furniture pick-up. He took pity on me and just brought home supper as I was planning to make stir fry tonight. Oh well, another day for the beef to marinade--I'll make it tomorrow night as tomorrow's my day off (and a new series starts at the women's Bible study I attend--yahoo!!! I've missed going!!!)
Found an awesome deal online for a new pair of sneakers...long overdue. These are silver and pink. LOVE IT! Can't wait the 2-7 business days for them to arrive. Went on a short walk with hubby...a little afraid to go by myself just yet. Not supposed to be taking long, strenuous walks yet (like ones that actually count as exercise)...but we wandered around the neighborhood for a slow, leisurely pace for about 20 minutes before I started feeling like I would start to get dizzy soon.
Now just chilling out, going to bed early! And...that was my exciting day. Don't you feel better for knowing about it?
Extremely tired from the get-go today, barely made it through my 4 hours at the office and couldn't leave early because I had an assistance appointment scheduled with a client for right before I was planning to go home. Made it through the stacks of mail on my desk that has accumulated since we were gone and claimed success over it, only to realize when I picked up my briefcase to go home that the mailbag we use to empty our PO Box had gone untouched--and it was a full one today since this was the first day the post office was open since we've been home. I also tried to start an order for the food bank, only to realize I was six days too early to order for the next delivery--which was a complete waste of time, because they'll have an entirely different stock by Monday when I can order! (and that was a double bummer, because there were some pretty good stuff in commodities and free stuff that will be gone by the time I can reserve it, but when I called not realizing my faux paux, they said they're expecting to have even better stuff by next week so I'll have a bigger selection) UGH!
Came home, took a much needed nap, hubby went out on a furniture pick-up. He took pity on me and just brought home supper as I was planning to make stir fry tonight. Oh well, another day for the beef to marinade--I'll make it tomorrow night as tomorrow's my day off (and a new series starts at the women's Bible study I attend--yahoo!!! I've missed going!!!)
Found an awesome deal online for a new pair of sneakers...long overdue. These are silver and pink. LOVE IT! Can't wait the 2-7 business days for them to arrive. Went on a short walk with hubby...a little afraid to go by myself just yet. Not supposed to be taking long, strenuous walks yet (like ones that actually count as exercise)...but we wandered around the neighborhood for a slow, leisurely pace for about 20 minutes before I started feeling like I would start to get dizzy soon.
Now just chilling out, going to bed early! And...that was my exciting day. Don't you feel better for knowing about it?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Reclaiming Life
Today was my first day back at the corps in a month...it's so good to be back. I missed it so much--I missed the fellowship of our volunteers and corps members (good reason), the ministry of service (good reason), and my "work" regimen (bad reason). Over the last few weeks, my workaholic/type A tendencies have really come into perspective, and I've found that while I've made some small changes over the last few months, there's a lot more that I need to work on or I'll work myself into a nervous breakdown before I hit 40. Delegation is going to have to stop being a bad word...and I'm going to have to take the time to train people on some other tasks instead of just doing it myself.
In the four hours at the office (I'm only allowed short days right now, adding a little time every other day...no full days until the end of second week back) I was able to meet with some clients and just start to feel normal again. It was a phenomenal feeling to pull up my hair and put on my uniform this morning.
Came home and rested for a few hours, then I cooked dinner--another part of life missed, taking care of my responsibilities in our home. I went all out--Dijon, soy sauce, and rice vinegar marinated shake 'n baked chicken, salad, and steam broccoli, yellow squash, and carrots. We even sat at the table together! (As before we left for Phoenix, I was eating in bed) Leftover servings of chicken converted into a sandwich for hubby's lunch and a salad for part of my lunch tomorrow. Finished the dishes, and now back to chillin' out...I've had enough standing and sitting up for today.
My dizziness is definitely lessening as the new meds build up in my system...no fainting, yay! (only 26 more days until I can drive again!!!), back pain is manageable--just need to take it easy as it continues to heal.
I am rejoicing in the fact that life is my own again...that I am starting to feel like myself and getting back to the things that I love. God has been faithful to me through all of this, and I am so grateful for people with solutions to my issues and those that have carried my burdens when I was unable to. It's a humbling experience to have to rely on others down to the basic tasks of life, and I pray that I'm not often put in this position again in the future--and believe that I will have more understanding and compassion for those that I minister who are ill.
So, for those that actually take the time to read my brain dumpings--have a great night!
In the four hours at the office (I'm only allowed short days right now, adding a little time every other day...no full days until the end of second week back) I was able to meet with some clients and just start to feel normal again. It was a phenomenal feeling to pull up my hair and put on my uniform this morning.
Came home and rested for a few hours, then I cooked dinner--another part of life missed, taking care of my responsibilities in our home. I went all out--Dijon, soy sauce, and rice vinegar marinated shake 'n baked chicken, salad, and steam broccoli, yellow squash, and carrots. We even sat at the table together! (As before we left for Phoenix, I was eating in bed) Leftover servings of chicken converted into a sandwich for hubby's lunch and a salad for part of my lunch tomorrow. Finished the dishes, and now back to chillin' out...I've had enough standing and sitting up for today.
My dizziness is definitely lessening as the new meds build up in my system...no fainting, yay! (only 26 more days until I can drive again!!!), back pain is manageable--just need to take it easy as it continues to heal.
I am rejoicing in the fact that life is my own again...that I am starting to feel like myself and getting back to the things that I love. God has been faithful to me through all of this, and I am so grateful for people with solutions to my issues and those that have carried my burdens when I was unable to. It's a humbling experience to have to rely on others down to the basic tasks of life, and I pray that I'm not often put in this position again in the future--and believe that I will have more understanding and compassion for those that I minister who are ill.
So, for those that actually take the time to read my brain dumpings--have a great night!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Books, Books, Never Enough!
***Note: 30-day challenge is clearly going to take more than 30 days. Going to use it when I'm at a loss for topics and want to write***
So, while we were in Phoenix, we had the opportunity to do a little paroozing through a Barnes and Noble (ah, a bookstore with choices!). Part of this was intentional to get more information as advised by one of the doctors I saw, and the rest was just because we could when having lots of time between appointments and it was 10 minutes away from the clinic.
We weren't quite intending on making an investment in books, but we did. We picked up:
So, while we were in Phoenix, we had the opportunity to do a little paroozing through a Barnes and Noble (ah, a bookstore with choices!). Part of this was intentional to get more information as advised by one of the doctors I saw, and the rest was just because we could when having lots of time between appointments and it was 10 minutes away from the clinic.
We weren't quite intending on making an investment in books, but we did. We picked up:
- The 2010 Calorie King Calorie, Fat & Carbohydrate Counter (made by the same people as www.calorieking.com, an awesome resource. This is a nice purse-sized guide for anything and everything edible. We liked it because we usually end up going to the website after we eat out and realize a bad choice--now we can look beforehand. Perfect because I count calories and fat, and husband counts carbs for his diabetes. Used it this evening at Applebee's--saved husband from a 66g of carbs "under 550 calorie" meal and he was able to choose a more filling and lower carb meal)
- The Calorie King Food & Exercise Journal (My weight loss is doctor-supervised because I'm sooooo tired of weight watchers, etc, that just don't pan out in the long term for me, and I'm required to keep food logs. I think I have changed around my food log spreadsheet every single time I've visited her because I can't put together one that I like. This one is small enough that before I write it in it, I can copy a week's worth of pages and it will fit on the front and back of a standard sheet of copy paper since I'm too cheap to fork out $3.99 every ten weeks for a new one)
- The Mediterranean Heart Diet (Fisher; diet recommended by one of the Mayo Clinic docs--though, diet isn't the right word, as it's more eating for life)
- The Low GI Handbook (Dr. Jennie Brand-Miller, et all; This was a hard one to choose as Glycemic Index books by this group of authors are plentiful. We chose this one after looking at the while collection because not only does this book contain the book "The New Glucose Revolution" it has more recipes and examples that we can use. We may buy more of the supplementary books later if we like it--but glad we looked through many of them in person as several of them are encompassed in this one book as well--also recommended by Mayo Clinic doc)
These last two books look to be rather interesting and educational. We're not interested in fads or things that ultimately will not sustain/improve long term health. While eventual weight loss is my goal, and controlling his diabetes is my husband's, we don't want to be miserable in the process. This glycemic index stuff looks pretty interesting, as does the Mediterranean stuff (and seriously, getting to eat Mediterranean food--I'm all for it!). We didn't blow off the doctor's recommendations for these books as we initially thought we would, because once we sat down to decide if they were worth it, both are very adaptable to lifestyles and whatever eating plan you choose to ascribe to...they aren't just diet plans, but rather ways to make the foods you're eating work the best for you.
Lots of interesting reading ahead...I'm sure I'll let you know any great revelations that I find!
Friday, September 3, 2010
My Siblings (Day 4-Back on Board)
I have two older sisters and one younger brother--and yes, I had to add the 3rd picture of my brother because he is just that cool. (I know I have one of all four of us from our wedding, but I don't have the "official" wedding pics saved on this laptop...so you have to suffer with individual shots)
My siblings are pretty darn awesome.
My brother is amazingly smart and completely hilarious--and apparently starting to take a liking to cooking as he has prepared some amazing meals while we have been in town. He's a great catch ladies--but remember, he does have three older sisters you must get approval from first!
The oldest sister (bottom picture) has her own business and lives far too far away...I think my sisters need to relocate to the west. She's married and has a son (who has a son--my great nephew!), and two spunky daughters.
My other sister (middle picture) finished nursing school a few years ago and is a nurse--such an accomplishment!!! She's married and has a son that is starting college this fall and two daughters as well (one of which is my God Daughter, whom I will be writing about in one of the upcoming challenge posts).
Like I said, my siblings are pretty darn great. Love 'em to death, wish we all lived closer, and have all sorts of memories together. Maybe someday I'll tell you the story of how I almost got my tongue cut out by two of them....
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Break
No challenge post today. Tired from an early appointment and very sore this evening. Did a bit of shopping for us and the corps today, a lot of walking around that my body wasn't ready for yet. Excited that meds seem to be agreeing with me, so we get to go home soon....
because...
It's all figured out!
Details on the diagnosis are on my facebook status from yesterday evening--I'm too tired to find it and copy/paste it here at this moment. Have a first course of treatment (medication) started and a plan B if this doesn't stop the fainting spells. Physical therapy on the back once I get home--had a consultation for it early this morning. No more doctor's visits here unless I get sick from the meds--HOORAY!!!!!!!
Pure elation does not even describe how great it feels to get to go home with some answers and to slowly start to get back to the corps and the rest of my life...I can even overlook the disappointment that I'm not allowed to drive again until I haven't fainted for 30 days.
I KNEW God had the answers for me here...and while I wasn't quite prepared for the gamut of tests and their invasive nature that I went through, He was faithful to my petitions and His promise to walk me through this! My prayers and the prayers and thoughts of others have been answered. AMEN!!!
because...
It's all figured out!
Details on the diagnosis are on my facebook status from yesterday evening--I'm too tired to find it and copy/paste it here at this moment. Have a first course of treatment (medication) started and a plan B if this doesn't stop the fainting spells. Physical therapy on the back once I get home--had a consultation for it early this morning. No more doctor's visits here unless I get sick from the meds--HOORAY!!!!!!!
Pure elation does not even describe how great it feels to get to go home with some answers and to slowly start to get back to the corps and the rest of my life...I can even overlook the disappointment that I'm not allowed to drive again until I haven't fainted for 30 days.
I KNEW God had the answers for me here...and while I wasn't quite prepared for the gamut of tests and their invasive nature that I went through, He was faithful to my petitions and His promise to walk me through this! My prayers and the prayers and thoughts of others have been answered. AMEN!!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
My Parents (Day 3)
(From our wedding, 1/31/09)Are, without a doubt, amazing.
My parents are strong examples of what a good and long-lasting marriage looks like, and truly epitomize the definition of unconditional love to their children. It is interesting as I grow older and see how their different personality traits have manifested themselves in my life--and for the most part I won on the gene pool with red hair, blue eyes, and good teeth!
I have the cool opportunity to work with my parents a lot, as they both work at our divisional headquarters. It is weird sometimes to call them and be in "professional" mode and then call up later with a "I need to talk to my mommy/daddy" crisis, but all in all, I know where to get the answers to all of my questions in life!
And in case there was any doubt in your mind....I'm soooo Daddy's Little Girl.
*Update*
The last two days have certainly been the most grueling as far as all this medical testing goes. I've been poked with more needles than I can count, with several IVs and lots more labwork. The last test I took yesterday was by far the worst ever--google "Tilt Table Test.'' I wasn't even up for 5 minutes. Nothing like something that purposely induces a fainting spell--and it was probably my worst fainting spell yet, it was really hard to bounce back from--left the hospital in a wheelchair and didn't start feeling like me again until late evening. So far the phone hasn't rung this morning with any new testing orders, which is good, because that means I will see the doctor this afternoon and start to look at some of the results!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My Vices (Day 2)
Ugh...too many to count.
Facebook.
I enjoy the pseudo-connectedness to others, finding people that were part of my life at times long gone by, playing mindless games that take my mind off the stress of life, and even using it as a tool of intercession to pray for my friends.
Not so much in a writing mood...not looking forward to the tests that I have to face today.
Facebook.
I enjoy the pseudo-connectedness to others, finding people that were part of my life at times long gone by, playing mindless games that take my mind off the stress of life, and even using it as a tool of intercession to pray for my friends.
Not so much in a writing mood...not looking forward to the tests that I have to face today.
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Best Friend (Day 1)
Not to copy that of several of my friends, but this is my best friend.
(please pardon my poor image sizing)
I met my husband in officer training school. It took time to get to know each other. For a period of time, I admit I had a crush on him, and talked myself out of it. Little did I know, a year later he would ask me out! (See a previous entry for our fairy tale)
My husband has seen me at the highest points and lowest of low points. He knows all of my deep, dark secrets and doesn't hold them against me. He loves me for who I am, even when I'm not able to love me for who I am right now. He has shown such selfless love and understanding in many ways to me, and I think in a lot of ways I've been able to provide that for him too. We can finish each other's sentences and know each other's thoughts before they are spoken, have similar likes and dislikes, and have the same firm policy of no pets in our household--ever.
He can always make me laugh. I believe I've laughed more knowing him than the last ten years combined. His sense of humor isn't always understood by many, but we like to say that the things he says are the things I think but won't say. Our brains work in the same way, but at different points of the equation. He sees the answer, I see the process--so we work well together in that aspect. We compliment each other so well in our ministry that it's creepy sometimes--he's good at what scares the bejeebers out of me, and I like doing the things he has not even a millisecond of patience for.
I truly believe with every fiber of my being that he is the man that God truly intended just for me, and am grateful for him and our relationship every day. I can't imagine my life without him.
Change of pace...just call me a follower
Brief update of the day...saw a specialist, who ordered more tests, endured 2 of them, got a free lunch in the patient cafeteria for 2 because scheduling messed up, two more tests up tomorrow--both requiring invasion of my body with needles and IVs and loss of my blood on some level (sense my excitement if you know my extreme love--okay, fear and queasiness--of needles), and holding out hope no more tests will be ordered so I can see my coordinating doc and finally get some answers on Wednesday (which prayerfully means we can go home sometime late this week--I miss my home!!!)
So, many blogs I read are jumping on the bandwagon of the 30-day challenge (I just read 5 in a row on various days!), so I figure I might as well follow the masses as well. Plus, I figure anyone who actually reads this is looking for something a little bit more than just my complaining and whining right now.
This is the list:
So, many blogs I read are jumping on the bandwagon of the 30-day challenge (I just read 5 in a row on various days!), so I figure I might as well follow the masses as well. Plus, I figure anyone who actually reads this is looking for something a little bit more than just my complaining and whining right now.
This is the list:
- Day 1 -- Your Best Friend
- Day 2 — Your vices
- Day 3 — Your parents
- Day 4 —Your siblings
- Day 5 — Your dreams
- Day 6 — Someone that inspires you
- Day 7 — Your job
- Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend that you’ve never met
- Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
- Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
- Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
- Day 12 — Your dream vacation
- Day 13 — Something you’re looking forward to
- Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
- Day 15 — The person you miss the most
- Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
- Day 17 — The place you wish you were from
- Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
- Day 19 — Something that makes you different
- Day 20 — Your favorite television shows
- Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
- Day 22 — Your pet peeves
- Day 23 — The last person you kissed
- Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
- Day 25 — A life changing moment
- Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
- Day 27 — The thing you most enjoy doing
- Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
- Day 29 — Your talent
- Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
You will note that the content of these get a bit more intense...should be an interesting ride.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Faith vs. Fear
There's the old adage that I've seen as recently as today that says something like, "Where fear ends is where faith begins."
(If you're not interested in my ramblings, a short update of the week is at the bottom of this entry)
I know this will come as a surprise to those that know me (because, you know, I never question anything), but I don't quite agree with this statement. I think the two can coexist.
I didn't realize this until its actually come into perspective. While waiting for my second testing appointment that was scheduled yesterday, I got a call from the reception desk at my first test of yesterday, a brain MRI. The very kind woman explained that the radiologist was viewing my films to write his report and needed "just a few more views" of my brain, and that because I still had time before my next appointment (by the way, I LOVE centralized scheduling because of this experience), that I could return to the radiology department and be seen immediately.
This didn't bother me at first, but as I was laying in the MRI machine with my eyes blacked out and my head in this cage-like contraption for a second time in a matter of hours, I had some time to think. Now, one could just easily assume that the radiologist just didn't take quality images the first time, but sans my phlebotomist this week, I have received nothing but top-notch quality care and this thought did not enter my mind. The thoughts that have taken up residence are those of...why? Did he see something? Is he trying to diagnose something? Is he looking at a tumor or something? Yeah, I know...way to jump to conclusions. (And no, I do not have answers yet--my testing is not complete, I have more appointments next week and will see the doctor again at the conclusion of it all)
So, long story short--I can say there is a bit of fear running rampant in my head right now. Does this mean I've lost my faith? No, of course not. I still believe in God, I still accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and maintain my relationship with Him. I still believe that my sins are covered and I am forgiven. I still believe that my maintenance of said relationship is still securing my place in eternity. I believe and find comfort in the many attributes of the Triune God, and know that regardless of my feelings on the surface, that there is a peace that passes all understanding that dwells deep in my soul.
Am I afraid of what I might hear? Sure, I'm human. Does that make me an unfaithful person? No. Does fear or the lack thereof change what the result will be? Doubtful. Will fear change the actions that I take as a result of the results of my current situation? No.
See--here's where I find the disconnect from my opening quote. Fear is one of those "iceberg" emotions (probably one of the few concepts I could explain from psychology class). It doesn't change anything, but rather gives my mind something to occupy it instead of the underlying big picture. Fear exists because I don't know what the underlying big picture is yet, so it fills the void. Whether we sit there sometime next week and get the worst news we can imagine, or get a simple problem with a simple solution, there will be something deeper and concrete that will take the place of fear. So, fear will be gone--does that mean faith takes its place? No--because faith was there the whole time. Faith has carried me up to this point, through the tests, bad days, pain, and negativity that I'm so great at conjuring up in my own mind. Faith has brought comfort through family and friends, warm notes and messages, and the knowledge that in addition to my own pleas, are the petitions of others on my behalf.
Faith and fear can exist together. It's not one or the other...
*Update on the week*
-Traveled to Phoenix on Monday. Car ride excruciatingly long. Makeshift bed and painkillers did the job.
-Tuesday: Met with my coordinating doctor who leads my care team. Initial tests were ordered. Immediately was whisked in to another doctor for a two-hour consultation and an appointment for an x-ray.
-Wednesday: Labwork and the start of a 24-hour heart monitor test (picture hot Phoenix weather, electrodes all over your chest, and a monitor tied around your neck. Just say, "itchy.")
-Thursday: Finish heart testing
-Friday: Brain MRI, 2nd brain MRI (see above), and balance and dizziness testing (two and a half hours of torture purposely inducing dizziness. Forget water boarding, I've got some new tactics for Gitmo)
-Today: Exhausted, sore, in pain--spent the day resting
-Tomorrow: Church at a local corps
-Monday: Tests & Cardiologist to review heart tests
-Unknown: Finding out the results of my other tests, enduring any more tests that may be ordered, and meeting with my coordinating doctor for the results and making a care plan to deal with said results. We knew this at the start, but no one will give you test results or commit to anything until all test results are in to have the full-body view and have a complete diagnosis. So, at this point, we know nothing.
Good news: Been walking without the cane for a few days, sitting up for short periods of time (almost survived the length of a movie), and taking much less pain medication.
Praying to be going home sometime next week. Unless something serious is found or more urgent tests are needed, we were told the Mayo Clinic would not keep out-of-towners over a holiday weekend unless it is something that is needed for immediate assessment or treatment...but they don't make promises one way or the other.
I know many more read this than actually "follow" or comment--and please know that from the bottom of our hearts, that my husband and I are in deep gratitude for your care, love, and prayers and truly believe that your intercessions keep us going in the uncertainty and rough moments right now.
(If you're not interested in my ramblings, a short update of the week is at the bottom of this entry)
I know this will come as a surprise to those that know me (because, you know, I never question anything), but I don't quite agree with this statement. I think the two can coexist.
I didn't realize this until its actually come into perspective. While waiting for my second testing appointment that was scheduled yesterday, I got a call from the reception desk at my first test of yesterday, a brain MRI. The very kind woman explained that the radiologist was viewing my films to write his report and needed "just a few more views" of my brain, and that because I still had time before my next appointment (by the way, I LOVE centralized scheduling because of this experience), that I could return to the radiology department and be seen immediately.
This didn't bother me at first, but as I was laying in the MRI machine with my eyes blacked out and my head in this cage-like contraption for a second time in a matter of hours, I had some time to think. Now, one could just easily assume that the radiologist just didn't take quality images the first time, but sans my phlebotomist this week, I have received nothing but top-notch quality care and this thought did not enter my mind. The thoughts that have taken up residence are those of...why? Did he see something? Is he trying to diagnose something? Is he looking at a tumor or something? Yeah, I know...way to jump to conclusions. (And no, I do not have answers yet--my testing is not complete, I have more appointments next week and will see the doctor again at the conclusion of it all)
So, long story short--I can say there is a bit of fear running rampant in my head right now. Does this mean I've lost my faith? No, of course not. I still believe in God, I still accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and maintain my relationship with Him. I still believe that my sins are covered and I am forgiven. I still believe that my maintenance of said relationship is still securing my place in eternity. I believe and find comfort in the many attributes of the Triune God, and know that regardless of my feelings on the surface, that there is a peace that passes all understanding that dwells deep in my soul.
Am I afraid of what I might hear? Sure, I'm human. Does that make me an unfaithful person? No. Does fear or the lack thereof change what the result will be? Doubtful. Will fear change the actions that I take as a result of the results of my current situation? No.
See--here's where I find the disconnect from my opening quote. Fear is one of those "iceberg" emotions (probably one of the few concepts I could explain from psychology class). It doesn't change anything, but rather gives my mind something to occupy it instead of the underlying big picture. Fear exists because I don't know what the underlying big picture is yet, so it fills the void. Whether we sit there sometime next week and get the worst news we can imagine, or get a simple problem with a simple solution, there will be something deeper and concrete that will take the place of fear. So, fear will be gone--does that mean faith takes its place? No--because faith was there the whole time. Faith has carried me up to this point, through the tests, bad days, pain, and negativity that I'm so great at conjuring up in my own mind. Faith has brought comfort through family and friends, warm notes and messages, and the knowledge that in addition to my own pleas, are the petitions of others on my behalf.
Faith and fear can exist together. It's not one or the other...
*Update on the week*
-Traveled to Phoenix on Monday. Car ride excruciatingly long. Makeshift bed and painkillers did the job.
-Tuesday: Met with my coordinating doctor who leads my care team. Initial tests were ordered. Immediately was whisked in to another doctor for a two-hour consultation and an appointment for an x-ray.
-Wednesday: Labwork and the start of a 24-hour heart monitor test (picture hot Phoenix weather, electrodes all over your chest, and a monitor tied around your neck. Just say, "itchy.")
-Thursday: Finish heart testing
-Friday: Brain MRI, 2nd brain MRI (see above), and balance and dizziness testing (two and a half hours of torture purposely inducing dizziness. Forget water boarding, I've got some new tactics for Gitmo)
-Today: Exhausted, sore, in pain--spent the day resting
-Tomorrow: Church at a local corps
-Monday: Tests & Cardiologist to review heart tests
-Unknown: Finding out the results of my other tests, enduring any more tests that may be ordered, and meeting with my coordinating doctor for the results and making a care plan to deal with said results. We knew this at the start, but no one will give you test results or commit to anything until all test results are in to have the full-body view and have a complete diagnosis. So, at this point, we know nothing.
Good news: Been walking without the cane for a few days, sitting up for short periods of time (almost survived the length of a movie), and taking much less pain medication.
Praying to be going home sometime next week. Unless something serious is found or more urgent tests are needed, we were told the Mayo Clinic would not keep out-of-towners over a holiday weekend unless it is something that is needed for immediate assessment or treatment...but they don't make promises one way or the other.
I know many more read this than actually "follow" or comment--and please know that from the bottom of our hearts, that my husband and I are in deep gratitude for your care, love, and prayers and truly believe that your intercessions keep us going in the uncertainty and rough moments right now.
Friday, August 20, 2010
The thoughts in my head...
...and boy are they scary!
Well, nothing has really changed in my life except a shower an a clean pair of pajamas, here's some random thoughts for the day:
Well, nothing has really changed in my life except a shower an a clean pair of pajamas, here's some random thoughts for the day:
- No matter how many times you hit refresh on your browser, it will not increase the growing time for your crops in Farmville on Facebook (be quiet, you know you've played some version of a Sims game in your life, well, this is mine)
- In the quest for something new and different, laying sideways on the bed (even though it's a king-size and your feet don't hang off) is just not at all comfortable
- Husband's pillows are more comfortable than mine...even though they are the same brand, bought at the same time, and switched around countless times from being washed and changing the sheets. Same with his side of the bed, even though we regularly rotate and flip the mattress
- Thinks the pharmaceutical industry is biased against men...or at least diabetics. My prescriptions for allergies and such range between $0.89-$5.35/mo depending on the medicine. Just five (less than half of what he takes) of my husband's refills came to $314 today, and he's got one more to pick up tomorrow that's $34. And that's just our portion! Good thing it's payday...for those that know the payscale for two years of service with no dependent children, that's a little crazy to now have to wait the weeks it takes for reimbursement. We use a neighborhood pharmacy....definitely going to talk to the owner about possibly billing us so we can send it to our insurance and cut out us as the middlemen.
- Daytime TV stinks. As much as I love a good chick flick and the ability to watch numerous movies of my choosing, netflix instant is getting old too. It's sad when the highlight of your day is when "Wife Swap" comes on
- Painkillers are not conducive to reading for content. Hence, books are out of the question and emails get answered 3-4 at a time.
- Eating your meals and staying in bed all day is not glamorous. Why is this romanticized in movies?
- Regardless of how long we live here, I will never not be startled by the sonic booms and explosions from the missile range. Or not be annoyed by every dog in the neighborhood going absolutely insane a split second later.
- It's rather funny how many people with strict/9-5 jobs post on Facebook throughout the work day, yet those with flexible schedules and those that are essentially their own boss usually only do first thing in the morning and/or at night. I wonder if there's a connectedness to career happiness in there?
And, last but not least...
Have you noticed that I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND?
Perhaps a nap is in order.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
As the World Turns...
I think one of the hardest things for me lately is that the world continues to go on without me. Now, I don't say that in a narcissistic, superficial kind of way...but more in a contemplative "sigh" tone.
While I have done what I can in my position from 0-45 degrees, I am very much missing about 90% of my everyday life and ministry. I feel guilty about those that are being inconvenienced by my current state, and even some of those normal things I would (and could) engage in right now that I just can't bring myself to do right now out of my own pity party. I decided after barely surviving church on Sunday, that on Tuesday I would take just two hours at the corps to see clients for electric assistance (Our volunteers run our food pantry, but I provide our thrift store voucher assistance and utility assistance programs because of their complexity until I find an able and willing soul to train to do it for me). So, Tuesday morning I embarked on the two hour ritual to get ready and dressed (it is a long process involving many breaks back in bed) and got to the corps where I was welcomed by our volunteers who were happy to see me. Needless to say, I had a full house waiting for me and I was swamped with clients for the entire time I was there. In fact, I had to have my husband be my buffer to get me out of there because I kept getting the "just one more" effect from others. I got home in excruciating pain and immediately slept the rest of the day away and slept most of yesterday away too...and okay, today as well. While it alleviated my guilt, it was not worth the price to pay.
I can't wait for all of this to be a distant memory. I am looking forward to next week with anticipation of answers, but not at all excited for the prospect of a 7-hour car ride, all of the tests I will have to endure, and the prospect of having to spend a lot of time sitting up in waiting areas if my pain is not alleviated by the doctors initially and quickly. I want my life back. I want the fellowship and ministry of corps life, I want to spend time with my husband other than him helping me at our bedside or beside me at night, I want to come and go as a please and not be afraid to even stand up when alone for fear of fainting.
I often remind myself that we give satan too much credit for the things that go on in our lives. I have been reminded by others lately that we "must be doing something right" to be tested by satan in such a way as this. While I don't know if I'm fighting against my own discouragement of some situations that we have been battling since before this issue or truly against the plots of the evil one, I have to constantly remind myself of God's blessings and work in my life. I have an absolutely amazing husband who selflessly is taking care of me and picking up the slack in the midst of his own pain from his accident and what has proved to be absolutely grueling allergy testing for him to start immunotherapy. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances and people I don't even know praying for us. I have incredibly understanding people working with me with understanding on what is not getting done right now and bestowing that grace needed to get things done as I can. When I remind myself of those things, I find it hard to be discouraged because honestly, I'm spoiled!
Life's not easy right now, and it won't be once this hurdle is past, it's just another slope on the roller coaster. I'm just ready to be a part of life again instead of being a distant observer.
While I have done what I can in my position from 0-45 degrees, I am very much missing about 90% of my everyday life and ministry. I feel guilty about those that are being inconvenienced by my current state, and even some of those normal things I would (and could) engage in right now that I just can't bring myself to do right now out of my own pity party. I decided after barely surviving church on Sunday, that on Tuesday I would take just two hours at the corps to see clients for electric assistance (Our volunteers run our food pantry, but I provide our thrift store voucher assistance and utility assistance programs because of their complexity until I find an able and willing soul to train to do it for me). So, Tuesday morning I embarked on the two hour ritual to get ready and dressed (it is a long process involving many breaks back in bed) and got to the corps where I was welcomed by our volunteers who were happy to see me. Needless to say, I had a full house waiting for me and I was swamped with clients for the entire time I was there. In fact, I had to have my husband be my buffer to get me out of there because I kept getting the "just one more" effect from others. I got home in excruciating pain and immediately slept the rest of the day away and slept most of yesterday away too...and okay, today as well. While it alleviated my guilt, it was not worth the price to pay.
I can't wait for all of this to be a distant memory. I am looking forward to next week with anticipation of answers, but not at all excited for the prospect of a 7-hour car ride, all of the tests I will have to endure, and the prospect of having to spend a lot of time sitting up in waiting areas if my pain is not alleviated by the doctors initially and quickly. I want my life back. I want the fellowship and ministry of corps life, I want to spend time with my husband other than him helping me at our bedside or beside me at night, I want to come and go as a please and not be afraid to even stand up when alone for fear of fainting.
I often remind myself that we give satan too much credit for the things that go on in our lives. I have been reminded by others lately that we "must be doing something right" to be tested by satan in such a way as this. While I don't know if I'm fighting against my own discouragement of some situations that we have been battling since before this issue or truly against the plots of the evil one, I have to constantly remind myself of God's blessings and work in my life. I have an absolutely amazing husband who selflessly is taking care of me and picking up the slack in the midst of his own pain from his accident and what has proved to be absolutely grueling allergy testing for him to start immunotherapy. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances and people I don't even know praying for us. I have incredibly understanding people working with me with understanding on what is not getting done right now and bestowing that grace needed to get things done as I can. When I remind myself of those things, I find it hard to be discouraged because honestly, I'm spoiled!
Life's not easy right now, and it won't be once this hurdle is past, it's just another slope on the roller coaster. I'm just ready to be a part of life again instead of being a distant observer.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
In the words of Lorelai Gilmore...
"...And the hits just keep on comin'"
You know that moment when you think, "Man, things really can't get any worse"
HA!
So, last night as I was in my perpetual state of pain and laying in bed (and watching a particularly good movie), my cell phone rings. It's my husband, who I knew to be out on a bike ride.
But what do I know....
He was hit by his car on his bike.
So, I did my best to throw on some semblance of appropriate clothing to wear in public, as I have been wearing jammies in bed to be comfortable (another HA!). Then came getting behind the wheel...now, I can't sit up, which is kind of an essential to driving...so I found a remotely tolerable position with the seat back as far as my arms could still reach the steering wheel (oh, it was special). Get to the ER and of course it's packed on Friday night, so I had the LAST parking spot...after what seemed to be an eternity of my limpy-with-a-cane walk to get to him, the next trial was where to sit. I tried to sit, that lasted all of five minutes, so I ended up having to kneel on the floor and lean over the seat (thank goodness it was very clean). The nurse laughed at me, but understood.
My husband didn't look super when I got there, because they hadn't cleaned him up yet. His nurse was exceptional, and got him cleaned up, talked with us, and was very nice while we waited for the doctor, who also turned out to be exceptionally nice and caring as well. Three hours later we were "walking" (oh, we were a sight together) to the car. (How does he get nice doctors and nurses and a three hour visit, when I have mean doctors who cut you off when you talk, don't listen, and end up being in the ER for 7-8 hours???)
In the end, no broken bones or serious injuries, just some gnarly road rash, a few bruises, and stiff muscles. His (expensive new) bike was totalled, helmet took some damage too--but ALL PRAISE TO GOD that it wasn't worse. After a good night's sleep and a wonderful wife to clean and bandage his wounds, he's in much better condition than one would expect for getting hit by a car. Just a little soreness and stiffness today. So relieved...I can't handle anymore bad news right now!
Nothing new on my end. Coached husband on grocery shopping (even with a list with brand name, item specifics, and a physical description of item's shelf location, he still called me three times with questions--he did wonderfully!) and how I wash the laundry (I know, beggars can't be choosers). I know I've said this a lot, but my husband is amazing to me--there is zero doubt in my mind of his unconditional love and his faith in "in sickness and in health." I owe him big time once I'm back to myself again.
Starting the mental checklists of everything to do and plan before leaving for the Mayo Clinic. Going to have to start writing it down...there's a lot to plan with not knowing for sure how long we'll be gone--7-14 days is not descriptive (though, 4 days into this jaunt starts our six days of furlough that was previously planned for which helps). Spending lots of time in prayer and talking with God these last few days. I believe He's preparing the doctors that I will be encountering and that we can at least get a diagnosis so a treatment plan can be determined. Been praying for lots of friends and family too. Doing a lot of listening as well. There is some plus side to the solitude.
Anyway...I'm babbling now. Until next time, adios!
You know that moment when you think, "Man, things really can't get any worse"
HA!
So, last night as I was in my perpetual state of pain and laying in bed (and watching a particularly good movie), my cell phone rings. It's my husband, who I knew to be out on a bike ride.
But what do I know....
He was hit by his car on his bike.
So, I did my best to throw on some semblance of appropriate clothing to wear in public, as I have been wearing jammies in bed to be comfortable (another HA!). Then came getting behind the wheel...now, I can't sit up, which is kind of an essential to driving...so I found a remotely tolerable position with the seat back as far as my arms could still reach the steering wheel (oh, it was special). Get to the ER and of course it's packed on Friday night, so I had the LAST parking spot...after what seemed to be an eternity of my limpy-with-a-cane walk to get to him, the next trial was where to sit. I tried to sit, that lasted all of five minutes, so I ended up having to kneel on the floor and lean over the seat (thank goodness it was very clean). The nurse laughed at me, but understood.
My husband didn't look super when I got there, because they hadn't cleaned him up yet. His nurse was exceptional, and got him cleaned up, talked with us, and was very nice while we waited for the doctor, who also turned out to be exceptionally nice and caring as well. Three hours later we were "walking" (oh, we were a sight together) to the car. (How does he get nice doctors and nurses and a three hour visit, when I have mean doctors who cut you off when you talk, don't listen, and end up being in the ER for 7-8 hours???)
In the end, no broken bones or serious injuries, just some gnarly road rash, a few bruises, and stiff muscles. His (expensive new) bike was totalled, helmet took some damage too--but ALL PRAISE TO GOD that it wasn't worse. After a good night's sleep and a wonderful wife to clean and bandage his wounds, he's in much better condition than one would expect for getting hit by a car. Just a little soreness and stiffness today. So relieved...I can't handle anymore bad news right now!
Nothing new on my end. Coached husband on grocery shopping (even with a list with brand name, item specifics, and a physical description of item's shelf location, he still called me three times with questions--he did wonderfully!) and how I wash the laundry (I know, beggars can't be choosers). I know I've said this a lot, but my husband is amazing to me--there is zero doubt in my mind of his unconditional love and his faith in "in sickness and in health." I owe him big time once I'm back to myself again.
Starting the mental checklists of everything to do and plan before leaving for the Mayo Clinic. Going to have to start writing it down...there's a lot to plan with not knowing for sure how long we'll be gone--7-14 days is not descriptive (though, 4 days into this jaunt starts our six days of furlough that was previously planned for which helps). Spending lots of time in prayer and talking with God these last few days. I believe He's preparing the doctors that I will be encountering and that we can at least get a diagnosis so a treatment plan can be determined. Been praying for lots of friends and family too. Doing a lot of listening as well. There is some plus side to the solitude.
Anyway...I'm babbling now. Until next time, adios!
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