A reflection on my 20-something years...

...as I precariously prepare for the mental crisis that will come on my 30th birthday next year.

My birthday was pretty good--nice day, took a nap, spent some time with my husband, and got to pick out my present and spend money on what I often consider a needless waste of time, but have found its place in the world as I less often get quoted at being 18. (This is makeup we're talking about here) It's rather disconcerting that I wear makeup to appear more put together, thus "older" and I also use anti-aging eye cream to ride the black circles under my eyes to look more energetic, thus "younger."

Next month is my ten-year high school reunion. Needless to say, hubby and I will not be attending. While high school was the best and worst times of my existence, I have little desire to spend the money on overpriced tickets, drive 7-hours, pay hotel, make small talk with a room of people under the influence, waste furlough time, and remind myself of the worst parts of high school. I'll stick with remembering the good parts. Band.

If you had asked me as a high school sophomore what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say that I upon my retirement from the Blue Devils (a competitive drum and bugle corps for those not as well versed), I would be a high school band director.

Yeah...

Let's just say NOTHING that I ever imagined for my life to be has come to fruition EXCEPT for the fact that it's perfect. Not in the no stress, no worries, rich beyond belief, people bow at my feet perfect...but I am exceedingly content and have found great joy in my life. My life is hectic and stressful more often than not, but I have a family that loves me unconditionally (because boy, I've sure tested those conditions over the years!), a wonderful husband whom was tailor-made just for me, and a position in ministry where my gifts and talents are stretched, utilized, and built upon daily. I wouldn't trade my life for the world...though an all-expense paid cruise to somewhere tropical wouldn't be that bad. Just kidding!

I find the world of social networking to be fascinating. Where else can you anonymously hide behind an identity to have the world view you in a different perspective as many do, reconnect with people you haven't seen or heard from in 20 years, or even commune with other members of the Body of Christ. (Caveat: While I do not support the ongoing movement for online churches, I do believe that the internet is a great connection for Christians to encourage, learn from, and fellowship with each other at a basic level. It is not a replacement for authentic relationships) I have also found the world of social networking to be an interesting place of contemplation and assurance of my place in this world. I look at some of the people in my life that I've been able to reconnect with--some have been wildly successful and are doing amazing things, others are just plugging along to the status quo, and others I'm not sure have had a sober day since high school graduation.

There are many times where I find my youth as a stumbling block in my daily life. It's not so much that I'm in a rush to grow up, but rather to live up to the myth that age brings experience...alas, we've discussed this before in conjunction with gender, so I digress. There's also those times where I have those moments that hit me and I say, "Wow, I'm a grown-up." We look back at our childhood and see those things that our parents did and couldn't imagine ourselves ever doing. It's a little surreal when you have those moments in life where you sit down with your spouse to annually review your life insurance coverage, sit down with lawyers to put together a will, make your wishes for the end of your life and the unexpected known, plan retirement savings, and start asking yourself the question, "If I do ____, what will be the long term effect?" I never imagined moments when I would be officiating a funeral, standing at the bedside with a family who just lost a loved one, or have the responsibility to meet the basic needs of a community within the resources we have been provided while spreading the absolute truth of Christ and the need for salvation. Mind-blowing. When you look at things from that point of view, it's pretty hard to argue in the existence of God and the necessity of a relationship with Him.

In conversations with my parents this week, I had occasion in each conversation to use the phrase, "I feel old." Yes, I do feel old--I'm exhausted, wrung out, and feel the great weight of various responsibilities on my shoulders. My mom's response to that statement was, "that's funny--because I don't!" Gee, thanks. My dad's response was, "Yeah, I know what you mean." Finally, a sympathizer.

So, as I embark on this 2nd day of my 29th year of life...I realize that I am that much the wiser from my life experiences, yet also in a position of great novice with a lifetime ahead of me of lessons to learn. Man, I feel old....it's time for a nap.

PS: I make an effort not to use specific names in my blog, as I don't even refer to my husband by name--but PLEASE take a moment to pray for retired Colonels Don & Jan Mowery and family, as well as Lt. Colonel Doug Danielson and his family, as these families have faced the unfathomable losses of loved ones this week. Thank you.