So I've been working on a new endeavor the last few weeks that has really shifted my direction in life and point of view...it's a huge learning experience and is requiring me to put aside a LOT of pride and usual/comfortable feelings. Completely uncharted territory and it scares the crud out of me, but I know that God blazing this trail before me, because I wouldn't have been dumped on this way without His leading and revelation.
I came to a point this week where I really had to humble myself and make some choices. The choices require me to not only step out of my comfort zone...but completely shatter it. The first time was a half-hearted attempt, I did what I needed to do, but in a safe situation....and tonight I made the decision to make this attempt again, but do it the right way, for real where I needed to be--and not in control of the circumstances. I showed up where I needed to be at the time I needed to be there. AND THOSE THAT WERE TO BE THERE WERE NOT THERE!
I was soooooooo angry. Now, easily I could have felt a sense of relief that I didn't have to deal with what I set out to deal with....but no, I got ticked. I still think I'm a little bit angry and frustrated. Slowly simmering down though as I have tools to use as an outlet in this particular situation.
So, I attempted to face this fear head on, but it didn't follow-through to the benefit of its original purpose. Sooo....did I really triumph, or am I back at the starting gate?
Yeah...it's late, I'm tired. I'm sure this makes no sense.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
*Insert Creative Title Here*
When did it become halfway through October?
So much to be done...and we desperately need to start interviewing for a Christmas Assistant as we need so much more help than last year with all the hub-bub around the corps. We intend on bumping up our Thanksgiving assistance to match last year's Christmas assistance....so we're looking at 1400 total families/cases between the two holidays. Man, that's a lot of turkeys.
Tomorrow's another busy day...food bank truck coming, plus we have to go for a tri-weekly pickup of food donations from a store we have recently partnered with here in town. The first week we picked up just over 2000lbs of food. Last week was over 3000lbs. I'm almost scared to see what this week holds...but praise the Lord for such a blessing of donations. We've had many a grateful teary eye walk out of our office this week with the awe of being able to take fresh bread, eggs, produce, and meat home to their families. A ton of work (literally) for us as we have to process, weigh, and sort everything...but it's priceless in seeing the appreciation that people have for the items that we have not been able to offer in any form of a consistent basis before.
Spent the day doing paperwork and tackling the mountains of stacks on my desk; had a few clients come my way (volunteers run our food pantry most days, I handle the "other" social services that we offer)...but sadly I was only able to offer referral as their needs far outweighed our capabilities. Oh, to have that unlimited bank account...but then again, it's only a bandaid for the immediate emergency. My time is better spent after applying the bandaid to educate in love so that this injury does not become chronic. Unfortunately, so many have already reached that chronic state (and even generational expectation) that it's hard to help others discover a different way to manage life than living in the stress of always trying to find what agency will pay my bills this month. It's not my place to judge why someone has landed across my desk--but it's my calling to give that holistic hand up, not just a handout. I pray some of those seeds fall on fertile ground...because I sure don't get to see the fruit very often!
Getting annoyed by people's assumptions as of late. I do not have any long-sleeve uniform shirts, and have often forgotten to put on my sweater to cover my arms over the last week. I don't appreciate the nosy questions or knowing looks of people "assuming" that I've been abused. Hello? Have you met me? Anyone would know that my tolerance for physical abuse of any form lies right below my serious disdain and lack of compassion for rapists and child molesters.
Last week I had the privilege to visit the ER three times (once wasn't for me!), and the pleasure of being stuck a total of eight times between these two visits to start IVs for bloodwork (the second visit, they ended up getting the IV in my SHOULDER--talk about unpleasant!). Thus, my forearms from bend to wrist and the backs of my hands are covered in giant black bruises....I seriously dislike having a light (essentially glow-in-the-dark white) complexion. No answers though...not due to obscurity, rather a lack of effort--but I'm not going to dwell on that peeve here. Going to a larger town on Wednesday for some definitive tests ordered by my doctor to figure out what's up...at least my doctor has it narrowed down to a 50/50 choice of diagnosis, just need the tests to determine what's up. So....hopefully by the end of the week I'll know if I will be scheduling gallbladder surgery or receiving treatment from a stress-induced ulcer from my last illness. Either way, I'm not amused to be dealing with this right now.
There's good news though on the health front...another 6 pounds lost over the last six weeks, bringing a total close to 40lbs for the year so far. Still not sure how to handle this slow weight loss, definitely don't lose sizes as quickly--I've *barely* eecked down one size. Though, that does make it quite exciting as now I can wear my commissioning tunic again--and it fits better than it did when I was commissioned, and that I had my skirt seriously altered at the waist as it was sitting about halfway down my hips. It's not often that I "feel" good about how I feel in clothes...but I must say, yesterday was a pretty awesome feeling wearing a nicely tailored and well-fitting uniform as I have been very self conscious the last month or so feeling like I was drowning in the uniform I was wearing.
Anyway, I'm babbling...so I'll quit now. Figured I should write, but a solid topic didn't come to mind...so, enjoy my brain dumpings!
So much to be done...and we desperately need to start interviewing for a Christmas Assistant as we need so much more help than last year with all the hub-bub around the corps. We intend on bumping up our Thanksgiving assistance to match last year's Christmas assistance....so we're looking at 1400 total families/cases between the two holidays. Man, that's a lot of turkeys.
Tomorrow's another busy day...food bank truck coming, plus we have to go for a tri-weekly pickup of food donations from a store we have recently partnered with here in town. The first week we picked up just over 2000lbs of food. Last week was over 3000lbs. I'm almost scared to see what this week holds...but praise the Lord for such a blessing of donations. We've had many a grateful teary eye walk out of our office this week with the awe of being able to take fresh bread, eggs, produce, and meat home to their families. A ton of work (literally) for us as we have to process, weigh, and sort everything...but it's priceless in seeing the appreciation that people have for the items that we have not been able to offer in any form of a consistent basis before.
Spent the day doing paperwork and tackling the mountains of stacks on my desk; had a few clients come my way (volunteers run our food pantry most days, I handle the "other" social services that we offer)...but sadly I was only able to offer referral as their needs far outweighed our capabilities. Oh, to have that unlimited bank account...but then again, it's only a bandaid for the immediate emergency. My time is better spent after applying the bandaid to educate in love so that this injury does not become chronic. Unfortunately, so many have already reached that chronic state (and even generational expectation) that it's hard to help others discover a different way to manage life than living in the stress of always trying to find what agency will pay my bills this month. It's not my place to judge why someone has landed across my desk--but it's my calling to give that holistic hand up, not just a handout. I pray some of those seeds fall on fertile ground...because I sure don't get to see the fruit very often!
Getting annoyed by people's assumptions as of late. I do not have any long-sleeve uniform shirts, and have often forgotten to put on my sweater to cover my arms over the last week. I don't appreciate the nosy questions or knowing looks of people "assuming" that I've been abused. Hello? Have you met me? Anyone would know that my tolerance for physical abuse of any form lies right below my serious disdain and lack of compassion for rapists and child molesters.
Last week I had the privilege to visit the ER three times (once wasn't for me!), and the pleasure of being stuck a total of eight times between these two visits to start IVs for bloodwork (the second visit, they ended up getting the IV in my SHOULDER--talk about unpleasant!). Thus, my forearms from bend to wrist and the backs of my hands are covered in giant black bruises....I seriously dislike having a light (essentially glow-in-the-dark white) complexion. No answers though...not due to obscurity, rather a lack of effort--but I'm not going to dwell on that peeve here. Going to a larger town on Wednesday for some definitive tests ordered by my doctor to figure out what's up...at least my doctor has it narrowed down to a 50/50 choice of diagnosis, just need the tests to determine what's up. So....hopefully by the end of the week I'll know if I will be scheduling gallbladder surgery or receiving treatment from a stress-induced ulcer from my last illness. Either way, I'm not amused to be dealing with this right now.
There's good news though on the health front...another 6 pounds lost over the last six weeks, bringing a total close to 40lbs for the year so far. Still not sure how to handle this slow weight loss, definitely don't lose sizes as quickly--I've *barely* eecked down one size. Though, that does make it quite exciting as now I can wear my commissioning tunic again--and it fits better than it did when I was commissioned, and that I had my skirt seriously altered at the waist as it was sitting about halfway down my hips. It's not often that I "feel" good about how I feel in clothes...but I must say, yesterday was a pretty awesome feeling wearing a nicely tailored and well-fitting uniform as I have been very self conscious the last month or so feeling like I was drowning in the uniform I was wearing.
Anyway, I'm babbling...so I'll quit now. Figured I should write, but a solid topic didn't come to mind...so, enjoy my brain dumpings!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Still Around...
...working on a new endeavor, so time is at a premium these days.
Life is good.
Feeling much better.
Cleared to drive again yesterday (YES!!!!)
God is doing some great work.
Stay tuned.
Life is good.
Feeling much better.
Cleared to drive again yesterday (YES!!!!)
God is doing some great work.
Stay tuned.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Stuck in the wheel
Today is just one of those days where I feel like I'm stuck going in the continuous, vicious circles of the proverbial hamster wheel. There's that cycle I get caught up in that I come so close to breaking free from and then it's right back at square one. Where's the breaking point? It just seems like things can get so close that the goal is in view, and wowie--right back to where I was, wondering why in the world I couldn't experience the end result?
Why is mediocrity so easy? Why is it so easy to let myself down when it comes to the things that I desire so much for my life? Why is it so easy to dream those God-sized dreams, yet so disappointing when the little things stand in the way?
Some days being a grown-up just bites.
In other news...the holiday season is upon us at the corps. Thanksgiving & Christmas planning officially hit full swing today. And, oh yeah, I again win the "World's Biggest Nerd" award--no explanation necessary.
Why is mediocrity so easy? Why is it so easy to let myself down when it comes to the things that I desire so much for my life? Why is it so easy to dream those God-sized dreams, yet so disappointing when the little things stand in the way?
Some days being a grown-up just bites.
In other news...the holiday season is upon us at the corps. Thanksgiving & Christmas planning officially hit full swing today. And, oh yeah, I again win the "World's Biggest Nerd" award--no explanation necessary.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Not a Happy Camper...
Frustrated.
Angry.
Saddened.
Disappointed.
That's all for today...fighting off some of that discouragement that tries to sneak its way in when you're doing things right.
Angry.
Saddened.
Disappointed.
That's all for today...fighting off some of that discouragement that tries to sneak its way in when you're doing things right.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Healthy Apple Crisp Recipe! YUM!
Hubby and I were looking for something new and different to do today that wouldn't be too hard on me...and so we decided to go apple picking as there was an article in the newspaper this weekend that all the orchards were opening. We picked Jonathans and Galas, about two dozen of them (9lbs). While we eat a lot of fruit, I wanted to find something different to do with them too--so I found a diabetic apple crisp recipe and altered it to make it lower fat too...tastes pretty darn good!
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
4 cups of apples, peeled and sliced (4 medium apples)
2 Tablespoons of flour*
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
6 packets of Splenda***
Mix above ingredients in bowl and spread in 8-9" square pan (with a little non-stick spray was perfect)
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup margarine
1/2 cup flour*
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of baking soda
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
Combine all ingredients and spread over the top of apple mixture.
Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Turn down to 325 degrees and bake another 15-20mins or until golden brown. Serve warm, store in fridge.
Cut into 9 servings= 119 calories, 6 grams of fat, 13 grams of carbs
Whole Pan= 1051.5 calories, 56.5 grams of fat, 119.1 grams of carbs
*Flour: We used a combination of 1/2 peanut flour and 1/2 all-purpose flour, nutritional value will be negligibly altered for using just all-purpose flour
**Flax seed: We used this for the nutritional value, does not affect taste. If you omit this ingredient, subtract 280 calories, 20g of fat, and 20g of carbs from the whole pan nutritional values
***Splenda: The original recipe called for 1/4 cup of sugar substitute, we don't like the sweetness of sugar substitutes, so we just used less. Calories and carbs will increase if you use more than the 6 packets of Splenda used above.
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
4 cups of apples, peeled and sliced (4 medium apples)
2 Tablespoons of flour*
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
6 packets of Splenda***
Mix above ingredients in bowl and spread in 8-9" square pan (with a little non-stick spray was perfect)
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup margarine
1/2 cup flour*
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of baking soda
2 Tablespoons of milled flax seed + 4 tablespoons water (optional**)
Combine all ingredients and spread over the top of apple mixture.
Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Turn down to 325 degrees and bake another 15-20mins or until golden brown. Serve warm, store in fridge.
Cut into 9 servings= 119 calories, 6 grams of fat, 13 grams of carbs
Whole Pan= 1051.5 calories, 56.5 grams of fat, 119.1 grams of carbs
*Flour: We used a combination of 1/2 peanut flour and 1/2 all-purpose flour, nutritional value will be negligibly altered for using just all-purpose flour
**Flax seed: We used this for the nutritional value, does not affect taste. If you omit this ingredient, subtract 280 calories, 20g of fat, and 20g of carbs from the whole pan nutritional values
***Splenda: The original recipe called for 1/4 cup of sugar substitute, we don't like the sweetness of sugar substitutes, so we just used less. Calories and carbs will increase if you use more than the 6 packets of Splenda used above.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Memoirs & Secret Demons
I picked up a book from the bargain table when we were in Phoenix because I was intrigued by the title, and the small print mentioned that it was the memoirs of the author's experience during a particular time span in her life. Read the flaps, sounded pretty interesting and funny...so I figured I couldn't lose.
While the book was exceptionally written and an amazingly vivid depiction of a chapter in this woman's life, it hit far too close to home. It was absolutely hilarious at parts, because, well, sometimes the only way to deal with things in life is to make jokes.
While I found 90% of the book a great read, the other 10% took over my mind. Down to the author's first name, the book couldn't have been written any closer to many parts of my life unless I wrote it myself. In some ways, it was comforting that I'm not alone in those things that I fight with in my head--but it also made me very sad that she hasn't found the answer yet either--a way to break through the cycle that continually repeats itself in fighting her/my/our demons. As I closed in on the final chapters where the author fast-forwarded to present day, I was crushed that she isn't any closer than me in walking away from something so present in life that it is almost genetically patterned into who I am.
I wanted to lay there and weep as I finished the last sentence (but didn't as I didn't want to wake my husband and have to explain my blubbering). We all have demons in our lives...those secrets that we keep inside not so much because of shame we feel, but rather because of the disappointment that strikes in our hearts because we just can't claw our way out of it. Don't get me wrong here--I'm not talking sin, more along the line of bad habits.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how some people in similar positions wear their vices or bad habits as almost as a badge of honor--proclaiming to the world that "this is me and I'm messed up." For me it always comes down to the fear of judgment in why I don't shout my issues from the rooftops (and man, if you could get inside my head--there's sure more than one!)
I've recently embarked on yet another mission to evict these demons from my mind permanently. Knowing I can't do it alone through education and tangible change, there has to be a spiritual change that is going to make this work. I find it eerily interesting that this new ambition came on the eve of starting a new Bible study series that I am attending that in fact addresses these very spiritual barriers that hinder from freeing myself of the chains that hold me back from walking away from something that has been a part of my life for my entire life, and apparently it won't kill me--no really, scripture promises me this one in Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NIV)
And so, the journey begins again. I don't really have anything to lose, other than a repeat of continually breaking my heart in disappointment...but I have everything to gain.
Once again, life's a wild ride!
While the book was exceptionally written and an amazingly vivid depiction of a chapter in this woman's life, it hit far too close to home. It was absolutely hilarious at parts, because, well, sometimes the only way to deal with things in life is to make jokes.
While I found 90% of the book a great read, the other 10% took over my mind. Down to the author's first name, the book couldn't have been written any closer to many parts of my life unless I wrote it myself. In some ways, it was comforting that I'm not alone in those things that I fight with in my head--but it also made me very sad that she hasn't found the answer yet either--a way to break through the cycle that continually repeats itself in fighting her/my/our demons. As I closed in on the final chapters where the author fast-forwarded to present day, I was crushed that she isn't any closer than me in walking away from something so present in life that it is almost genetically patterned into who I am.
I wanted to lay there and weep as I finished the last sentence (but didn't as I didn't want to wake my husband and have to explain my blubbering). We all have demons in our lives...those secrets that we keep inside not so much because of shame we feel, but rather because of the disappointment that strikes in our hearts because we just can't claw our way out of it. Don't get me wrong here--I'm not talking sin, more along the line of bad habits.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how some people in similar positions wear their vices or bad habits as almost as a badge of honor--proclaiming to the world that "this is me and I'm messed up." For me it always comes down to the fear of judgment in why I don't shout my issues from the rooftops (and man, if you could get inside my head--there's sure more than one!)
I've recently embarked on yet another mission to evict these demons from my mind permanently. Knowing I can't do it alone through education and tangible change, there has to be a spiritual change that is going to make this work. I find it eerily interesting that this new ambition came on the eve of starting a new Bible study series that I am attending that in fact addresses these very spiritual barriers that hinder from freeing myself of the chains that hold me back from walking away from something that has been a part of my life for my entire life, and apparently it won't kill me--no really, scripture promises me this one in Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NIV)
And so, the journey begins again. I don't really have anything to lose, other than a repeat of continually breaking my heart in disappointment...but I have everything to gain.
Once again, life's a wild ride!
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